Keyword: satire

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  • The Constitution Yields A Revelation About Obama

    04/10/2012 11:51:38 AM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 1 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-10-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Democrats Deride Ryan Budget

    04/10/2012 9:40:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Wisconsin’s Republican Representative Paul Ryan’s efforts to put the federal government budget on a track to balance in the next decade was widely criticized by Democrats. “This budget is not a statement of our national values,” said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “It represents a bleak future for America,” said Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md). “It is antithetical to our entire history,” said President Obama. Statistical analysis reveals that Ryan’s budget spends 46% more in inflation-adjusted dollars than Democratic President Bill Clinton’s last budget. It also would put federal spending at 22.2% of gross domestic output vs. the Clinton budget’s...
  • New Jobless Claims Understated 56 of Last 57 Weeks

    04/09/2012 1:31:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Given the difficulty of estimating economic data it is common practice for government agencies to announce a preliminary number subject to later revision. Under the law of averages, estimates should balance out between being higher or lower than later revisions. Amazingly, though, the Obama Department of Labor’s preliminary estimates of new jobless claims have been lower than later revisions in 56 of the last 57 weeks. The odds of this happening by chance are infinitesimal. This oddity was explained by Labor Secretary Hilda Solis. “We feel it is better to err on the side of optimism,” she said. “The preliminary...
  • Obama Critiques Media Bias

    04/09/2012 11:24:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    President Obama told journalists that their effort to give both sides of a story conveys unwarranted credibility to his opponents. “Reporters may think it’s fair or balanced to juxtapose contending views on controversial issues,” the President lectured. “This creates an impression that there might be merit on both sides. But must wrong be given a platform to contend with right? Must sin be given a voice to counterbalance virtue?” The president urged media representatives to “not shy away from your duty to report the truth nor dilute it with a dollop of lies just to attain an appearance of unbiased...
  • If The Economy Was A Minority...

    04/09/2012 11:21:18 AM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 1 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-9-12 | The Looking Spoon
    Lifted and very slightly changed from John Hawkins's (Right Wing News) column at Townhall, Five Ways that Barack Obama has Decimated the American Economy.
  • Treasury Says Deficits Mustn’t Be Allowed to Slow Spending

    04/08/2012 11:26:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner argued against letting fears of ballooning federal government deficits interfere with increased government spending. “The federal government’s debt and deficit are no big deal,” Geithner insisted. “It’s not like personal or corporate debt or fiscal shortfalls. It can be canceled at any time. Look, the government makes the laws. It can easily make a law absolving itself from the responsibility to repay borrowed money if it has to.” Geithner hastened to clarify that he was “not advocating such a law at this time, but the power is there if we need it. I don’t think we...
  • University newspaper runs article about the good things that Hitler did under Jewish student's name

    04/08/2012 8:36:35 AM PDT · by SJackson · 70 replies
    Daily Mail ^ | 4-8-12
    Rutgers University are investigating an article called ‘What About the Good Things that Hitler Did?’ that was published in the school’s satirical newspaper and falsely attributed to a Jewish student. The piece, which included lines such as ‘give Hitler a little thanks’ , was written under Aaron Marcus’s name and his photograph appears beside the article. Marcus, who lost family in the Holocaust, only found out about the piece when a friend at the New Jersey university called to ask him if he had actually written it. 'To say anything praiseworthy of someone like Hitler, and to have people actually...
  • President Illuminates Philosophies of Government

    04/07/2012 3:48:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Gearing up for what promises to be a difficult campaign, President Obama laid into his critics saying “they want you to be on your own.” He contrasted this “social darwinism” approach to his “on us” philosophy. “The idea that Americans want to be left alone to pursue happiness on their own is clearly out-of-step with the way most Americans think,” Obama maintained. “People only go to work because they have to, not because they want to. When they’re on the job they’re watching the clock waiting for the workday to end. They look forward to the weekend, not the workweek....
  • President Claims Court Ruling Against Health Care Law Would Be Unprecedented

    04/07/2012 10:49:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    In an effort to try to nudge the Supreme Court toward a favorable decision on his signature legislative accomplishment, President Obama argued that overturning the Affordable Care Act would be “unprecedented.” “Both Congress and the Executive have already assessed the constitutionality of this law,” Obama asserted. “We wouldn’t have approved it if it were unconstitutional.” The president said that “the fact that two branches of the government have already come down on the side of the law’s constitutionality should be enough. Frankly, I’m surprised that the Court is even bothering to take up the issue. In a best-out-of-three play-off they...
  • Biden's Advice To Obama On Dissing The Supreme Court

    04/05/2012 4:33:06 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 8 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-5-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Obama's Brand Of Cigarettes Revealed...

    04/04/2012 4:32:49 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 19 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-4-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Key Democrats Warn Supreme Court on Obamacare (Semmens Satire)

    04/02/2012 10:08:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 53 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    A handful of senate Democrats warned the Supreme Court not to overturn the Affordable Care Act—more widely known as Obamacare. “The court commands no armies, it has no money; it depends for its power on its credibility,” Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said. “The President is Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful army in the world. Congress has control over more spending than any other entity in the world. The Justices need to consider whether they want to lock horns with these other branches of government.” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) took issue with contentions that the 2700-page health care law hasn’t been...
  • Highway 82 going underground through Glenwood

    04/01/2012 6:14:20 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 5 replies
    The Glenwood Springs Post Independent ^ | April 1, 2012 | Juan Estrada, Staff Infection
    APRIL FOOLS — Flanked by dozens of out-of-work hardrock miners anxious to put their skills back to work, city transportation and Colorado Our Way or the Highway Department officials announced plans this morning for Glenwood Springs' version of Boston's infamous “Big Dig.” Instead of going forward with the planned Grand Avenue Bridge replacement, the Permanent Landing Team (PLT) has been meeting in secret at the CDOT Hanging Lake Tunnel command center for months hatching the new plan. It will involve tunneling from the north side of the Colorado River at the Interstate 70 Exit 116. The 1.5-mile underground passage will...
  • Treasury Secretary Blames Congress for Economy, Excuses Obama

    04/01/2012 2:50:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner upheld his boss’ mantra that others are to blame for the current sorry state of the economy. “Really, it was the guys who were in office prior to President Obama’s ascendance that are responsible,” Geithner maintained. “If any fingers are to be pointed there’s where we should look.” When he was reminded that Obama was a member of Congress during that period, Geithner acknowledged that “some may try this ploy to shift blame to him, but the fact is, he was hardly ever present for any of the deliberations or votes...
  • Democrats Press for Efforts to Combat Campaign Slander

    04/01/2012 11:46:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    A group of 30 Democrats called for President Obama to use an upcoming Congressional recess as an opportunity to appoint five new Federal Election Commissioners. The appointments are deemed essential to blunt the impact of the Supreme Court’s ruling in the Citizens United case. “As it stands now, anyone can say anything he wants about any candidate without fear of repercussion,” said Minority Chief Deputy Whip Peter Welch (D-Vt). “The FEC as it is now constituted is unable to properly regulate what may be said during the very important campaign ahead. By making recess appointments the President can staff the...
  • Pelosi Says There Are Other Options in Trayvon Martin Death

    03/31/2012 1:34:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is weighing “other options” in the event that Florida officials are unsuccessful in punishing George Zimmerman for shooting Trayvon Martin. Martin was killed by neighborhood watch volunteer Zimmerman February 26. Though all the facts are not yet publicly known, demands that Zimmerman be charged with murder have been gaining momentum in certain circles. The New Black Panther Party has posted a $10,000 reward for Zimmerman’s capture and is in the process of organizing a 5,000-man posse to undertake the effort. Celebrities Spike Lee and Roseanne Barr have “tweeted” address information for different...
  • President Defends ‘Flexibility’ Remarks

    03/31/2012 10:40:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    In what President Obama believed to be an “off-the-record” exchange, he was overheard requesting “space” from the Russians until after the November election when he would have more “flexibility.” This would-be covert conversation has raised suspicions about his intended defense policies for a prospective second term. “Doing the right thing and doing the popular thing are not always one-and-the-same,” Obama explained. “I want to be able to do what’s right. But it will be of no avail if I’m not reelected. All I was asking of the Russians was to lay low for the next eight months to let me...
  • President Defends ‘Flexibility’ Remarks

    03/31/2012 10:40:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    In what President Obama believed to be an “off-the-record” exchange, he was overheard requesting “space” from the Russians until after the November election when he would have more “flexibility.” This would-be covert conversation has raised suspicions about his intended defense policies for a prospective second term. “Doing the right thing and doing the popular thing are not always one-and-the-same,” Obama explained. “I want to be able to do what’s right. But it will be of no avail if I’m not reelected. All I was asking of the Russians was to lay low for the next eight months to let me...
  • Kagan Confident Violation Won’t Get Her in Trouble

    03/30/2012 9:44:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 76 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan brushed off accusations that her participation in the Court’s hearing on Obamacare violates the law. Section 455(b)(3) of Title 28 of the U.S. Code requires judges to disqualify themselves from hearing cases when they have “served in governmental employment and in such capacity participated as counsel, adviser, or material witness concerning the proceeding or expressed an opinion concerning the merits of the particular case or controversy.” As Solicitor General, Kagan served in such a role. “The most important job for a judge is to mete out justice,” Kagan asserted. “Mere parchment—whether it be a Constitution...
  • Celebrities Should Be Appropriately Dressed When Throwing The First Pitch In Baseball

    03/29/2012 2:38:16 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 9 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-28-12 | The Looking Spoon
    I think this outfit works.