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Keyword: satire

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  • The Constitution Yields A Revelation About Obama

    04/10/2012 11:51:38 AM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 1 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-10-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Democrats Deride Ryan Budget

    04/10/2012 9:40:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Wisconsin’s Republican Representative Paul Ryan’s efforts to put the federal government budget on a track to balance in the next decade was widely criticized by Democrats. “This budget is not a statement of our national values,” said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “It represents a bleak future for America,” said Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md). “It is antithetical to our entire history,” said President Obama. Statistical analysis reveals that Ryan’s budget spends 46% more in inflation-adjusted dollars than Democratic President Bill Clinton’s last budget. It also would put federal spending at 22.2% of gross domestic output vs. the Clinton budget’s...
  • New Jobless Claims Understated 56 of Last 57 Weeks

    04/09/2012 1:31:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Given the difficulty of estimating economic data it is common practice for government agencies to announce a preliminary number subject to later revision. Under the law of averages, estimates should balance out between being higher or lower than later revisions. Amazingly, though, the Obama Department of Labor’s preliminary estimates of new jobless claims have been lower than later revisions in 56 of the last 57 weeks. The odds of this happening by chance are infinitesimal. This oddity was explained by Labor Secretary Hilda Solis. “We feel it is better to err on the side of optimism,” she said. “The preliminary...
  • Obama Critiques Media Bias

    04/09/2012 11:24:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    President Obama told journalists that their effort to give both sides of a story conveys unwarranted credibility to his opponents. “Reporters may think it’s fair or balanced to juxtapose contending views on controversial issues,” the President lectured. “This creates an impression that there might be merit on both sides. But must wrong be given a platform to contend with right? Must sin be given a voice to counterbalance virtue?” The president urged media representatives to “not shy away from your duty to report the truth nor dilute it with a dollop of lies just to attain an appearance of unbiased...
  • If The Economy Was A Minority...

    04/09/2012 11:21:18 AM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 1 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-9-12 | The Looking Spoon
    Lifted and very slightly changed from John Hawkins's (Right Wing News) column at Townhall, Five Ways that Barack Obama has Decimated the American Economy.
  • Treasury Says Deficits Mustn’t Be Allowed to Slow Spending

    04/08/2012 11:26:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner argued against letting fears of ballooning federal government deficits interfere with increased government spending. “The federal government’s debt and deficit are no big deal,” Geithner insisted. “It’s not like personal or corporate debt or fiscal shortfalls. It can be canceled at any time. Look, the government makes the laws. It can easily make a law absolving itself from the responsibility to repay borrowed money if it has to.” Geithner hastened to clarify that he was “not advocating such a law at this time, but the power is there if we need it. I don’t think we...
  • University newspaper runs article about the good things that Hitler did under Jewish student's name

    04/08/2012 8:36:35 AM PDT · by SJackson · 70 replies
    Daily Mail ^ | 4-8-12
    Rutgers University are investigating an article called ‘What About the Good Things that Hitler Did?’ that was published in the school’s satirical newspaper and falsely attributed to a Jewish student. The piece, which included lines such as ‘give Hitler a little thanks’ , was written under Aaron Marcus’s name and his photograph appears beside the article. Marcus, who lost family in the Holocaust, only found out about the piece when a friend at the New Jersey university called to ask him if he had actually written it. 'To say anything praiseworthy of someone like Hitler, and to have people actually...
  • President Illuminates Philosophies of Government

    04/07/2012 3:48:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    Gearing up for what promises to be a difficult campaign, President Obama laid into his critics saying “they want you to be on your own.” He contrasted this “social darwinism” approach to his “on us” philosophy. “The idea that Americans want to be left alone to pursue happiness on their own is clearly out-of-step with the way most Americans think,” Obama maintained. “People only go to work because they have to, not because they want to. When they’re on the job they’re watching the clock waiting for the workday to end. They look forward to the weekend, not the workweek....
  • President Claims Court Ruling Against Health Care Law Would Be Unprecedented

    04/07/2012 10:49:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 April 2012 | John Semmens
    In an effort to try to nudge the Supreme Court toward a favorable decision on his signature legislative accomplishment, President Obama argued that overturning the Affordable Care Act would be “unprecedented.” “Both Congress and the Executive have already assessed the constitutionality of this law,” Obama asserted. “We wouldn’t have approved it if it were unconstitutional.” The president said that “the fact that two branches of the government have already come down on the side of the law’s constitutionality should be enough. Frankly, I’m surprised that the Court is even bothering to take up the issue. In a best-out-of-three play-off they...
  • Biden's Advice To Obama On Dissing The Supreme Court

    04/05/2012 4:33:06 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 8 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-5-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Obama's Brand Of Cigarettes Revealed...

    04/04/2012 4:32:49 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 19 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 4-4-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Key Democrats Warn Supreme Court on Obamacare (Semmens Satire)

    04/02/2012 10:08:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 53 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    A handful of senate Democrats warned the Supreme Court not to overturn the Affordable Care Act—more widely known as Obamacare. “The court commands no armies, it has no money; it depends for its power on its credibility,” Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn) said. “The President is Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful army in the world. Congress has control over more spending than any other entity in the world. The Justices need to consider whether they want to lock horns with these other branches of government.” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) took issue with contentions that the 2700-page health care law hasn’t been...
  • Highway 82 going underground through Glenwood

    04/01/2012 6:14:20 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 5 replies
    The Glenwood Springs Post Independent ^ | April 1, 2012 | Juan Estrada, Staff Infection
    APRIL FOOLS — Flanked by dozens of out-of-work hardrock miners anxious to put their skills back to work, city transportation and Colorado Our Way or the Highway Department officials announced plans this morning for Glenwood Springs' version of Boston's infamous “Big Dig.” Instead of going forward with the planned Grand Avenue Bridge replacement, the Permanent Landing Team (PLT) has been meeting in secret at the CDOT Hanging Lake Tunnel command center for months hatching the new plan. It will involve tunneling from the north side of the Colorado River at the Interstate 70 Exit 116. The 1.5-mile underground passage will...
  • Treasury Secretary Blames Congress for Economy, Excuses Obama

    04/01/2012 2:50:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner upheld his boss’ mantra that others are to blame for the current sorry state of the economy. “Really, it was the guys who were in office prior to President Obama’s ascendance that are responsible,” Geithner maintained. “If any fingers are to be pointed there’s where we should look.” When he was reminded that Obama was a member of Congress during that period, Geithner acknowledged that “some may try this ploy to shift blame to him, but the fact is, he was hardly ever present for any of the deliberations or votes...
  • Democrats Press for Efforts to Combat Campaign Slander

    04/01/2012 11:46:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    A group of 30 Democrats called for President Obama to use an upcoming Congressional recess as an opportunity to appoint five new Federal Election Commissioners. The appointments are deemed essential to blunt the impact of the Supreme Court’s ruling in the Citizens United case. “As it stands now, anyone can say anything he wants about any candidate without fear of repercussion,” said Minority Chief Deputy Whip Peter Welch (D-Vt). “The FEC as it is now constituted is unable to properly regulate what may be said during the very important campaign ahead. By making recess appointments the President can staff the...
  • Pelosi Says There Are Other Options in Trayvon Martin Death

    03/31/2012 1:34:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is weighing “other options” in the event that Florida officials are unsuccessful in punishing George Zimmerman for shooting Trayvon Martin. Martin was killed by neighborhood watch volunteer Zimmerman February 26. Though all the facts are not yet publicly known, demands that Zimmerman be charged with murder have been gaining momentum in certain circles. The New Black Panther Party has posted a $10,000 reward for Zimmerman’s capture and is in the process of organizing a 5,000-man posse to undertake the effort. Celebrities Spike Lee and Roseanne Barr have “tweeted” address information for different...
  • President Defends ‘Flexibility’ Remarks

    03/31/2012 10:40:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    In what President Obama believed to be an “off-the-record” exchange, he was overheard requesting “space” from the Russians until after the November election when he would have more “flexibility.” This would-be covert conversation has raised suspicions about his intended defense policies for a prospective second term. “Doing the right thing and doing the popular thing are not always one-and-the-same,” Obama explained. “I want to be able to do what’s right. But it will be of no avail if I’m not reelected. All I was asking of the Russians was to lay low for the next eight months to let me...
  • President Defends ‘Flexibility’ Remarks

    03/31/2012 10:40:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 March 2012 | John Semmens
    In what President Obama believed to be an “off-the-record” exchange, he was overheard requesting “space” from the Russians until after the November election when he would have more “flexibility.” This would-be covert conversation has raised suspicions about his intended defense policies for a prospective second term. “Doing the right thing and doing the popular thing are not always one-and-the-same,” Obama explained. “I want to be able to do what’s right. But it will be of no avail if I’m not reelected. All I was asking of the Russians was to lay low for the next eight months to let me...
  • Kagan Confident Violation Won’t Get Her in Trouble

    03/30/2012 9:44:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 76 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan brushed off accusations that her participation in the Court’s hearing on Obamacare violates the law. Section 455(b)(3) of Title 28 of the U.S. Code requires judges to disqualify themselves from hearing cases when they have “served in governmental employment and in such capacity participated as counsel, adviser, or material witness concerning the proceeding or expressed an opinion concerning the merits of the particular case or controversy.” As Solicitor General, Kagan served in such a role. “The most important job for a judge is to mete out justice,” Kagan asserted. “Mere parchment—whether it be a Constitution...
  • Celebrities Should Be Appropriately Dressed When Throwing The First Pitch In Baseball

    03/29/2012 2:38:16 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 9 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-28-12 | The Looking Spoon
    I think this outfit works.
  • If "Modern Family" Had A Reality Spin-Off Starring Democrat Politicians...

    03/29/2012 2:23:53 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-29-12 | The Looking Spoon
    It's random, I know...but here's what I think one of the families would look like...
  • Egypt Declares Israel “Number One Enemy”

    03/26/2012 2:38:58 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies · 4+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    The success of Egypt’s “Arab Spring” rolled on to yet another triumph as that country’s parliament renounced the possibility that it could ever be an ally of Israel. Instead, Israel was declared Egypt’s “number one enemy.” Following this development, President Obama announced the restoration of US military aid to Egypt. “Israel is a very powerful country in that region,” Obama explained. “If Egypt is to have any chance against them it is imperative that we extend as much military assistance as we can.” The President acknowledged that his decision “probably won’t go over well with some of Israel’s more strident...
  • Obama Deflects Solyndra Fiasco Blame

    03/26/2012 11:00:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies · 2+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    President Obama went on the offensive against criticism of his “green” energy approach. “There are some who would have the American people believe that the failure of the Solyndra Corporation is somehow my fault,” Obama said. “At best, it is a shared responsibility. True, the idea that we should promote clean energy was mine. Blame me for wanting to save the planet.” “But it was Congress that appropriated the money,” Obama continued. “Without this appropriation my Department of Energy would not have had and money to hand out to firms like Solyndra. Blame Congress for enabling my Administration to climb...
  • Executive Order Authorizing Martial Law Called “Routine”

    03/25/2012 2:50:07 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies · 3+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Last weekend’s issuance of an Executive Order giving the President the option of declaring an emergency and taking control over all food, energy, water, transportation and any other materials was described as “routine” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The President has obligations to the American people,” Carney observed. “He would like the cooperation of Congress in his efforts to fulfill these obligations. But as we have seen, there are many in Congress who have labored to obstruct these efforts. The President needs to have latitude to act.” “It would be best for members of Congress to consider this Executive...
  • President’s Tax Plan Targets Rich

    03/25/2012 11:48:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies · 2+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Labeling Wisconsin Republican Representative Paul Ryan’s budget proposal “a disaster for the middle class,” President Obama offered a plan that “will make the rich pay their fair share.” “It’s time for those who have a job, a car, a roof over their heads, and food on the table to step up and bear a bigger share of the costs of providing for those who don’t,” the President told a crowd of supporters at a campaign speech in Washington. “Those who have more than they need to live have an obligation to care for their fellow human beings. My plan helps...
  • Pelosi Predicts Court Will Find Obamacare Constitutional

    03/24/2012 2:25:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) confidently predicted that the US Supreme Court will rule that the President’s health care law is Constitutional. “The proof is right there in the Constitution itself where it promises that the government will provide for the people’s rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness,” Pelosi said. “By making sure everyone buys health insurance the law is protecting their lives. By requiring that employers cover birth control costs the law is liberating people from the risks of unwanted pregnancies. And as for pursuit of happiness—isn’t that what those who need birth control are doing?”...
  • VP Lauds Obama’s Audacious Killing of bin-Laden

    03/24/2012 10:03:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Vice-President Joe Biden praised the killing of Osama bin-Laden, calling it “the most audacious plan of the past 500 years.” Asked about other possible contenders for “most audacious plan”–the D-Day invasion of Normandy during WWII or Washington’s Christmas Day attack on Hessian troops in 1776—Biden replied “no contest.” “The raid that killed bin-Laden was carried out without any casualties for our side,” Biden pointed out. “The same can’t be said for any other action taken by any other president. Let’s not forget that Allied Forces had 10,000 casualties on D-Day and 2500 men were killed. That’s a bit of a...
  • How The World Views Obama

    03/22/2012 10:18:27 AM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 9 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-22-12 | The Looking Spoon
    Big h/t to iOwnTheWorld for the Obama/Jesus/Rockwell self portrait piece.
  • One Way Obama Could Persuade OPEC To Increase Production...

    03/21/2012 4:42:34 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-21-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Biden On The Wisdom Of Democrat Brainwashing

    03/20/2012 4:35:07 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 2 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-20-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • New Flag Being Test Marketed

    03/20/2012 2:00:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Concerned that the current version of the American flag may be out-dated, Democratic Party officials have been trying out a new design in selected locations. If you would like to order one to display at your home or place of business call 678-653-5247. if you missed any of this week's other semi-news posts you can find them at...
  • Vice-President Lauds Obama’s “Spine of Steal”

    03/18/2012 2:40:35 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2012 | John Semmens
    In written remarks distributed before a campaign speech to the United Auto Workers Union, Vice-President Joe Biden praised President Obama’s courage for bailing out General Motors and Chrysler. “Where others might have been deterred by property rights or contracts, President Obama charged in, unafraid,” Biden remembered. “He put your jobs, your interests ahead of all else.” Biden urged union members to keep this in mind come election day. “Some may put their trust in the law,” Biden said. “But I say having a guy you can trust at the wheel trumps anything that might be written down in a statute...
  • Healthcare Mandate Decision Final Says White House

    03/18/2012 11:04:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Press Secretary Jay Carney advised those critical of the Administration’s decision to make insurers cover birth control devices and drugs to “give it a rest.” “Look, the President is sorry that some consider this action to be insensitive to their personal or religious beliefs,” Carney said. “But they certainly cannot expect him to subjugate his policy aims to these beliefs.” Carney suggested that critics “may want to reexamine the issue. Does the Bible explicitly prohibit birth control, or for that matter, abortion? I don’t recall ever having read that Jesus gave any commandments on these matters. I think His wish...
  • Secret Service Granted Broad Censorship Authority

    03/17/2012 5:05:48 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2012 | John Semmens
    The Federal Restricted Buildings and Grounds Improvement Act of 2011 signed into law last week by President Obama allows the Secret Service to determine what kind of speech may be permitted in proximity to the President and other government officials qualified for Secret Service protection. “Most people are probably familiar with our role as protectors of the President against would-be assassins,” said Secret Service spokesman Elroy Hood. “But assassins aren’t the only ones who pose a threat. Vocal opponents damage the image the government is trying to project and can undermine its authority every bit as much as an attempt...
  • Attorney General Explains His Opposition to Voter ID Laws

    03/17/2012 12:05:31 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 23 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder continued his battle to prevent states from requiring voters to show photo identification before they are permitted to cast ballots. That the US Supreme Court has already held that voter ID laws are Constitutional makes no difference says the AG. “I don’t need some court to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong,” Holder exclaimed. “It’s something everyone who’s grown up Black just knows by instinct.” Holder made short shrift of arguments based on the ubiquity of requests to show photo IDs in order to buy beer, enter a public building, rent a movie, board...
  • Drawing Distinctions Between Limbaugh & Maher

    03/17/2012 12:09:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 29 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 March 2012 | John Semmens
    While both Rush Limbaugh and HBO's Bill Maher have used offensive language against women whose political views they oppose, Representative Shelley Berkely (D-Nev) attempted to explain why she feels one should be banned and the other not. “First of all, there is the issue of impact,” Berkely said. “Limbaugh's audience numbers in the millions. Maher, on the other hand, has maybe a few thousand fans. Since so few people have actually heard what Maher has said, his remarks are more along the lines of a private conversation. I mean, why ban someone that hardly anyone is listening to?” “Second, is...
  • White House Unveils New American Flag [Satire}

    03/16/2012 2:04:42 PM PDT · by QT3.14 · 10 replies · 2+ views
    Weekly World News ^ | March 14, 2012 | Frank Lake
    WASHINGTON – The White House reportedly is set to announce a redesign of the American flag. Reports from sources close to the White House say that President Obama felt that the American flag, “like the Constitution,” was old and needed updating. Here’s what the new flag will look like:
  • A Flaming Vigilante

    03/16/2012 4:42:56 AM PDT · by marktwain · 4 replies
    The War on Guns ^ | 15 March, 2012 | Ned
    WarOnGuns Correspondent Ned submitted this as a comment to today's "Gratifying Colin" post. I think it is on target and witty as hell, and deserves standalone recognition: In other news, two people trapped in a wrecked bus perished when the bus they were traveling in caught fire after a traffic accident. It is alleged that an untrained civilian was unable to contain the flames with the fire extinguisher on the bus. The vigilante was held for questioning, before being released when it was discovered that no laws were broken. The legislature immediately responded by introducing a bill forbidding anyone but...
  • What Can Obama Do About Gas Prices?

    03/13/2012 12:46:00 PM PDT · by The Looking Spoon · 18 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-13-12 | The Looking Spoon
  • Ayatollah Confident in Obama

    03/13/2012 10:01:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    While his Iran policy may have come under criticism from his GOP rivals, President Obama received a vote of confidence from Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “We are encouraged by Mr. Obama’s forbearance,” Khamenei said. “We are confident that he will resist pressures from the unbelievers and that he will do the right thing.” Khamenei favorably compared Obama to former President Jimmy Carter, who he said “had good instincts, but lacked the strength to impose his will on his enemies in Congress.” if you missed any of this week's other semi-news posts you can find them at...
  • Study: Socialism Works 98% of the Time It Is Imagined (Satire, pretty funny)

    03/12/2012 6:40:37 PM PDT · by Beave Meister · 7 replies · 2+ views
    (HONOLULU, HI) —After years of thorough research a new study on the social and economic system of Socialism is sending shockwaves throughout the political science community and stoking the flames between the political Left and Right. The findings of the University of Hawaii, released Thursday, found that the economic and governmental system of Socialism is overwhelmingly successful 98-percent of the time someone imagines it being so. Conducted over a five year period, the university’s findings are also making waves within the sociological community, as well as boosting the morale of nations like Greece, Spain, Portugal, Cuba, and particularly North Korea....
  • Secretary Unsure of Fiscal Impact of Obamacare

    03/12/2012 3:13:03 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Kathleen Sebelius says she has no idea on what the fiscal impacts of Obamacare might be. “I haven’t really approached the issue from that perspective,” Sebelius told Senator Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) at a recent hearing. “We’re just trying to make sure everyone and everything is covered. Maybe we’ll take a look at costs later when we have more time.” Senator Johnson’s suggestion that all the requests for waivers that HHS has granted indicate a problem with cost was brushed aside by the Secretary. “First of all, I don’t know which waivers you are...
  • Dems Say They Have Better Offer for Women

    03/12/2012 11:26:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Bolstered by polls showing women are more likely to vote Democrat than men, President Obama boasted “we have a better story to tell them.” “The GOP is telling women to be responsible—get a job, get married—to take the so-called respectable path,” Obama asserted. “We’ve got a better offer.” “Our healthcare plan mandates free contraception and free abortion,” Obama pointed out. “This frees women from the fear of unwanted pregnancy without impairing their sex lives.” “Our welfare program ensures that should a woman choose to have a baby the government will provide for her and the child,” Obama added. “This frees...
  • President Calls Oil “Fuel of the Past”

    03/11/2012 2:32:58 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    President Obama begged voters to back his vision of an oil-free future for America. “There will come a day when we will wean ourselves from this fuel of the past,” Obama proclaimed. “Reliance on oil-based fuels has lulled us into lives of gluttony and waste. We have gotten soft because we drive when we should walk. We have gotten lazy because it’s easier to turn up the thermostat than to put on a sweater.” “There are environmentally-friendly ways for us to live,” the president continued. “I see a future when mighty vessels powered by the wind carry goods and people...
  • Senator Demands Limbaugh Be Dropped from Armed Forces Network

    03/11/2012 10:24:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich) demanded that the Armed Forces Network stop carrying Rush Limbaugh’s show. “Our troops shouldn’t be exposed to the barrage of criticism of their Commander-in-Chief that is spewed out by Limbaugh on a daily basis,” Levin said. “It foments disobedience and disloyalty.” As evidence, Levin cited Marine Sergeant Gary Stein’s Facebook page called Armed Forces Tea Party Patriots. “The Tea Party is a threat to our government,” Levin maintained. “Men like Sergeant Stein may be called upon to suppress this threat. Yet, this Facebook page raises serious questions about where his loyalties may be.” The Senator specifically...
  • Women’s Rights May Be Sacrificed for Peace in Afghanistan

    03/10/2012 2:10:42 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Afghan President Hamid Karzai says that “it may be necessary for us to roll back the freedoms and privileges we extended to women if we want to persuade the Taliban to come to terms with us.” Karzai characterized the freedoms granted to women over the last decade as “an experiment that is not working. Allowing women to go out in public uncovered and unaccompanied is a Western imposition that is out of step with our fundamental traditions. We will never have peace if we attempt to persist with such offensive alien ideas. Bringing women back under the discipline of sharia...
  • Congressional Approval of Military Measures Not Required

    03/10/2012 9:44:03 AM PST · by John Semmens · 24 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told a Senate Armed Services Committee that the Obama Administration’s decision on whether to engage in military action against Syria is not contingent on Congressional approval. “The United States is just one of many nations,” Panetta explained. “Even if our Constitution places the power to declare war with Congress this doesn’t override decisions made on a multinational basis. An agreement reached with other nations takes precedence over anything Congress may wish to do.” The secretary cited the precedent established by the Administration’s actions in Libya. “President Obama acted with the consent of key allies in...
  • Film Biographer in Awe of Obama

    03/09/2012 10:09:35 PM PST · by John Semmens · 44 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Davis Guggenheim's recently completed film biography presents an unstintingly glowing portrayal of President Barack Obama. There is, to quote Guggenheim, “no downside to this man save the enmity of his enemies.” “Only one other person in the history of the world has led a comparably exemplary life,” Guggenheim asserted. “Jesus healed the sick. Obama gave us healthcare. Jesus fed the multitudes. Obama has put more people on food stamps than any other president. The parallels between the two men's great works are uncanny.” Guggenheim expressed some anxiety that “like Jesus, Obama may be crucified for his efforts. Every day, right-wing...
  • Why Does 9% Unemployment Make Obama Upset?

    03/09/2012 4:12:07 PM PST · by The Looking Spoon · 1 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-9-12 | The Looking Spoon
    But isn't unemployment under 9%? Tell that to Gallup.
  • Why People Faint At Obama Events

    03/09/2012 11:26:21 AM PST · by The Looking Spoon · 22 replies
    The Looking Spoon ^ | 3-9-12 | The Looking Spoon
    President Obama brags that "folks" faint all the time at his events. With the data presented below, one can clearly see the reason for this is actually rooted in science.