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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Bush/Romney Political Wedding Falls Through [semi-satire]

    01/24/2015 9:08:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Hopes that a political wedding between former governors Jeb Bush (R-Fla) and Mitt Romney (R-Mass)--both potential Republican contenders for the presidency—would sweep aside other rivals fell through this week. While both the Bush and Romney camps were loath to release many details, insiders say the chief sticking point was who would be on top. Romney spokesman Richard Butz laid the blame on what he termed "Bush dynastic aspirations. It was our feeling that Mitt ought to be the one at the top of the ticket. Our polling shows that a substantial number of voters wish they had voted for Mitt...
  • White House Outraged over Boehner Invitation to Netanyahu [semi-satire]

    01/23/2015 3:45:45 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    The invitation House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) issued to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to address a joint session of Congress has the Obama Administration in a state of apoplexy. "The Speaker did not have President Obama's permission to issue such an invitation," complained Press Secretary Josh Earnest. "Prime Minister Netanyahu did not have the President's permission to accept the invitation. It's a major breach of protocol that undermines Executive Supremacy." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized Boehner's move as "a critical blunder. I wouldn't be surprised if the President were to use this as an excuse to disband...
  • BREAKING NEWS: John Kerry To Send Diana Ross To ISIS To Sing "Stop! In The Name Of Love" (SATIRE)

    01/22/2015 5:20:43 AM PST · by goldstategop · 15 replies
    Conservative News Facebook Page ^ | N/A | Conservative News
  • Canned Goods to Provide Security at Alabama School [satire]

    01/21/2015 1:07:03 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Huntsville, Alabama’s W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscilla Holley sent a letter home with students asking the parents of each of them to equip their child with 8 ounces of canned goods that the student would use as a weapon against armed intruders. The idea is that the possibility of being hit by a can of beans would deter gunmen from harming the children. A key feature of this plan, according to Holley, is “the element of surprise. We believe that a barrage of cans thrown by our 12 and 13 year-old students would be a formidable response.” The Principal...
  • POPNews: Pope Says Good Catholics Need Not Mate “Like Wasp Spiders”

    01/20/2015 9:40:25 AM PST · by millegan · 21 replies
    ChurchPOP ^ | 2015 | ChurchPOP
    While firmly upholding Church teaching regarding contraception, Pope Francis clarified that good Catholics need not mate “like rabbits, or wasp spiders, with the female devouring the male following the procreative act.” “Openness to life for the husband,” the pontiff said to reporters on his return flight from the Philippines, “is a condition for the sacrament of matrimony.” Catholic couples should practice mutual love and tenderness, he explained, rather than the female “catching her partner in a web and slowly gnawing on him while he’s still alive, resulting in his slow, agonizing death.”
  • Houston Mayor Says Jury Trial Unnecessary [satire]

    01/20/2015 8:49:07 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Critics of Houston Mayor Annise Parker’s new protections for transgenders (allowing them to use whichever restroom they desire regardless of their anatomy) saw their petitions aimed at getting Mayor’s policy on the ballot arbitrarily declared invalid. The Mayor now wants these critics to be judged by a “Special Master” for “attempting to overturn simple justice through improper utilization of the petition process.” Those accused of this made-up crime have demanded a jury trial, a demand for something that Parker calls “ludicrous and unnecessary.” “The role of a jury is to determine the facts of a case,” Parker lectured. “In this...
  • NFL Investigating Claims That Belichick Used Black Magic In Win Over Colts

    01/20/2015 8:27:21 AM PST · by big'ol_freeper · 35 replies
    rilenews.com ^ | 19 Jan 15 | Wi Ji Ho
    Fresh off of a win in the AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis Colts, a new allegation is being levied at Bill Belichick, head coach of the New England Patriots. The Indianapolis camp is claiming that Belichick used black magic to the defeat them 45-7 in the Sunday night massacre.
  • President Urges Sounder Business Practices for Small Businesses [satire]

    01/19/2015 10:15:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    On Thursday, President Obama issued a Presidential Memorandum, directing all federal agencies to give federal workers six weeks of paid leave for parents with a new child. The President is expected to call for Congress to pass similar legislation compelling all American companies to offer the same six weeks of paid paternal leave. Small business owners are worried about the cost of this new entitlement. The President’s Council of Economic Advisers has estimated that the cost of this new perk for federal employees will run to $250 million per year. Press Secretary Josh Earnest downplayed these small business fears as...
  • President Calls for Government to Takeover Broad Band Service [satire]

    01/18/2015 10:29:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Lambasting what he termed “a confusing cacophony of competing private providers,” President Obama called for government “to step in and simplify everything by consolidating all broad band service under one umbrella.” “Right now, consumers face the continuous burden of choosing which plan to purchase,” the President pointed out. “There’s always a fear of choosing unwisely. If we eliminate this necessity to choose, consumers will be freed from this task. Instead of being faced with a difficult dilemma of what to do if their current provider is unsatisfactory, all consumers will be enrolled in a standard, uniform service. No one would...
  • Hebdo Attackers "Smeared" by Child Porn Revelations [satire]

    01/17/2015 8:22:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Radical imam Anjem Choudary characterized investigators' disclosure that Cherif Kouachi and Amedy Coulibaly—murderers of the Hebdo cartoonists—were frequent visitors to websites featuring child pornography as "a smear of their reputations." French detectives found five child porn photos on Coulibaly's laptop and 37 on Kouachi's PC. Kouachi's "favorites" folder included lurid pictures of young boys and girls involved in sexual acts with adults. "Just because Western culture declares relationships between adult men and pre-teens to be illicit doesn't make it so," Choudary complained. "The Prophet's (may peace be upon him) favorite wife married him when she was only six years old...
  • Obama Says Armed Response to Muslim Terrorism Wrong Approach [satire]

    01/16/2015 11:40:57 PM PST · by John Semmens · 32 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    While attempting not appear to condone the murder of the Hebdo staff and the Jewish hostages at a kosher supermarket in Paris last week, President Obama blamed France's failure to integrate Muslims into their society. "The fact is, Europe has done a poor job of making Muslim immigrants feel welcome," Obama said. "In country after country Muslims are isolated in ghetto-like conditions rather than dispersed among the general population like they are in the United States." The President dismissed contentions that the concentration of Muslims into enclaves was by choice. "The Muslim way of life has very specific requirements," Obama...
  • French comedian Dieudonne's arrest sparks free speech debate

    01/14/2015 7:30:45 AM PST · by Citizen Zed · 19 replies
    yahoo news / afp ^ | 1-14-2015 | Marianne Barriaux
    Notorious French comedian Dieudonne was arrested Wednesday for condoning terrorism over a comment suggesting he sympathised with one of the Paris attacks gunmen, in a move that sparked a debate about free speech. Prosecutors had opened the case against the comedian on Monday after he posted on his Facebook page "Tonight, as far as I'm concerned, I feel like Charlie Coulibaly" -- mixing the popular slogan "Je suis Charlie" used in homage to the slain Charlie Hebdo magazine journalists with a reference to Islamist gunman Amedy Coulibaly. Coulibaly killed four Jews at a supermarket on Friday and a policewoman the...
  • Ban on Fossil Fuels Needed to Save Planet [satire]

    01/13/2015 7:58:21 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    A study prepared by University College, London says severe restrictions on the use of fossil fuels are needed to prevent a forecast 2ș centigrade increase in temperature over the next 100 years. Lead researcher Dr Christophe McGlade asserted that “decreasing the global consumption of fossil fuels is both essential and attainable. Humans can survive without these polluting commodities. In colder climates people can wear more layers of warmer clothing. We can drastically reduce the amount of combustion used to keep warm.” “In warmer climates people can let their own bodies’ sweat evaporation process keep them cool,” McGlade pointed out. “I...
  • Israeli Plagues Kill many Egyptians as cycle of violence continues

    04/01/2004 3:01:14 PM PST · by yonif · 18 replies · 400+ views
    Received in an urgent email | 4/1/2004 | unknown
    The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness. Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness,...
  • New York City to Ban Styrofoam [satire]

    01/12/2015 8:27:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    New York Mayor Bill deBlasio brushed off recent troubles between the police and the community in order to focus on what he considers “a much bigger existential threat to our way of life.” That threat: the use of Styrofoam containers by restaurants to keep takeout orders hot or cold. “Styrofoam is one of the top two or three threats to the planet,” de Blasio argued. “I realize that it doesn’t grab headlines like cops killing minorities or being killed in return do, but it has a bigger footprint in the scheme of things over the long run.” The Mayor insisted...
  • Harvard Faculty Outraged by Obamacare [satire]

    01/11/2015 9:45:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Irate that deductibles on their post-Obamacare health insurance have soared to $250 per year, the Harvard faculty has vented its spleen at the Administration. Previously, faculty health insurance plans had no deductibles. Dr. Albie Derned, Associate Professor Philosophy, characterized the increase as “intolerable” and “a stab in the back. We have been 100% behind the President in his efforts to transform this country’s health care system. For us to be swept into plans we don’t like is poor payback for our loyalty.” The fact that deductibles for ordinary people under the Obamacare rules are typically twenty times as high did...
  • Muslim Terrorism Excused [satire]

    01/10/2015 6:00:41 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Armed Muslim terrorists slew a dozen unarmed members of the editorial staff of the satirical paper Charlie Hebdo in a raid on the paper's Paris office this week. Though the gunman proclaimed these murders as retribution for the paper's mockery of Islamic extremism, leading liberal luminaries have reassured everyone that the attack had nothing to do with "real" Islam. The New York Times dismissed a female survivor's recounting of being spared and advised to convert and obey the Quran as "unreliable testimony. Given the traumatic circumstances these witnesses couldn't be expected to clearly remember events." The NYT's editors contrasted "the...
  • President Suggests Free Community College for Everyone [satire]

    01/09/2015 9:21:21 PM PST · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Taking heed of the nation's lowest workforce participation rates since the 1970s, President Obama suggested a plan for government funding of community college for every high school student with a C average or better. "We have liberated more people from wage slavery than any prior administration," Obama boasted. "While this, in itself, is a remarkable achievement we shouldn't rest on our laurels. We need to go the next step." Why free community college would be the "next step" was explained by the President's assertion that "going to college is a great experience that no one should be denied just because...
  • Sharpton to head new Federal Agency: The Hate Department

    01/09/2015 8:32:05 AM PST · by Sean_Anthony · 6 replies
    Canada Free Press ^ | 01/09/15 | William Kevin Stoos
    Satire Obama Creates New Cabinet Position for His Buddy In addition to his clerical duties guiding the moral and religious life of Americans, the Most Reverend Al Sharpton has been elevated to a cabinet level position in a new agency created by his friend Barack Obama, whom the good Reverend has visited over eighty times during Obama’s tenure. And Hugh Betcha, Head of the Religious News Department of Stoos Views Media Conglomerate, recently named “Most Trusted Religious Reporter, 2014” by MSNBC, frequent guest at the White House, and reporter respected by Muslims, Jews, Christians and Druids alike, was there for...
  • USA Today column: Why did France allow satirists to attack Mohammed?

    01/08/2015 7:35:34 AM PST · by SeekAndFind · 51 replies
    Hotair ^ | 01/08/2015 | Ed Morrissey
    USA Today caused a stir last night when they published a column from Anjem Choudary, whom they describe as “a radical Muslim cleric” from London specializing in shari’a law. Earlier in the day, the Financial Times attracted a raft of criticism for publishing a column that insinuated that Charlie Hebdo‘s staff brought on their massacre themselves, but Choudary doesn’t even bother with a sop to free speech, which he dismisses as a non-Islamic concept. Instead, Choudary blames France for not protecting “the sanctity of a Prophet,” and says we should not expect anything else other than murder from Muslims...
  • Court Refuses to Reconsider Citizenship Lawsuit [satire]

    01/06/2015 8:51:07 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    A three-judge panel of the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver tersely rejected a request from Arizona and Kansas that an earlier decision overturning those states’ proof of citizenship requirement for registering to vote be reconsidered. “The law that these states want to enforce directly contradicts the policy that President Obama decreed last November,” the panel ruled. “The President has mandated new rights for those illegally in the country. To allow states to dilute these rights by imposing their own requirements violates the presidential supremacy clause of the US Constitution.” if you missed any of this week's other...
  • Princeton Columnist: Criticizing How I Say “Cool Whip” is a “Microaggression”

    01/05/2015 12:50:21 PM PST · by rightistight · 84 replies
    Pundit Press ^ | 1/5/15 | Aurelius
    In an article called “The history of “wh”: a microaggression,” a Princeton student has called out those who question his pronunciation of “cool whip” as offensive and perpetrators of a microaggression. The piece was written by “Newby Patton,” who is listed as a Contributing Columnist by the paper. In “The History of ‘wh,'” Patton explains the pain he has gone through during his life when people notice that he pronounces “wh” with a heavy “h” sound. He never questioned how he pronounced “wh” before he came to college. Now, according to Patton, he is being mercilessly mocked by class students....
  • Sad Day in America: Miss Piggy Converts to Islam

    01/05/2015 8:38:55 AM PST · by Jan_Sobieski · 24 replies
    Bare Naked Islam ^ | 1/05/2015 | Jan_Sobieski
    In a surprise move that is set to ignite debate amongst religious critics throughout the world, Miss Piggy announced her conversion to the Islam. Miss Piggy appears to have risen in popularity around the Islamic world as news of her conversion has spread throughout Pakistan, Iran and Egypt. There have even been signs of jubilation in the street of the West Bank and Gaza today. Already there are plans to rename Sharm el-Sheikh to Ham el-Sheikh and statistics indicate that the most popular name for Muslim new born boys AND girls is HAMza. Henson Enterprises, who own the exclusive...
  • Obama Gives Himself an A+ for Performance [satire]

    01/05/2015 8:19:59 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Despite characterizing himself as a “hard grader,” President Obama rated his performance for the recently concluded 2014 an “A+.” “My critics want to harp on their pet issues to claim my Administration was a failure, but let’s look at what I was able to accomplish,” he asserted. “Republicans are slapping each other on the back for taking more seats in Congress than their Party has had since 1928, but it was my agenda that Congress enacted with the Cromnibus bill in November,” the President boasted. “I broke new ground in how the country is governed by stepping in to enact...
  • Guv Wants Football Games to Start Later [satire]

    01/04/2015 8:21:46 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton (D) is pushing for a law that would ban football game kick-offs before noon. “The early start times are really unfair to the poor and minorities, many of whom are still in bed at that hour,” Dayton claimed. “These start times may be okay for people who are used to getting up early to go to work, but they are out of sync with other lifestyles.” Setting a time more accommodating to these “other lifestyles” is important because “watching TV is a much bigger part of the lives of those on public assistance. They shouldn’t be...
  • Reid Blames Koch Brothers for Injuries [satire]

    01/03/2015 12:07:36 PM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Senator Harry Reid was injured when a home exercise apparatus he was using collapsed under him. The former Majority Leader suffered broken bones in his face and ribs. Though his injuries were described as "relatively minor," Reid's anger at the Koch brothers was not. "I don't know how they did it, but their insidious campaign of terror against this country's legitimate leaders must be stopped," Reid demanded. Doubtful that a judicial remedy could suffice due to lack of evidence, Reid vowed he would "call upon the President to utilize his newly asserted executive authority to ensure that justice is meted...
  • Obama Calls for Truce in Fight Against ISIL [satire]

    01/03/2015 7:44:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing reports that troops fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) may have come down with Ebola, US President Obama called for a halt in all military action against them. "For us to continue the fight while our opponent is ailing would violate a basic sense of fairness," the President maintained. "If there's one thing I think all Americans can agree on it's that we shouldn't kick a foe when he's down. True sportsmanship mandates that we at least pause our attacks until ISIL troops are restored to health." In a bid to help speed ISIL's...
  • NYC Mayor Blames Media for Disrupting Unity [satire]

    12/30/2014 8:39:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    New York Major Bill de Blasio lashed out at the media for disrupting the City’s unity. “While I have been working diligently to convey an image of solidarity between myself and those protesting against police brutality, the media have introduced divergent perspectives that now threaten what I’ve sought to achieve.” The “divergent perspective” seems to be the idea that murdering police officers is an illegitimate method of protest against perceived racial inequities in law enforcement. “Police knowingly undertake jobs that are inherently risky,” de Blasio said. “Still, when all the numbers are tabulated, the police suffer fewer casualties than they...
  • FDA to Announce Ban on Sprinkles [satire]

    12/29/2014 8:50:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Though the amount of trans fats in the sprinkles that are used to adorn donuts and ice cream cones is extremely low, the Food and Drug Administration is determined to eliminate these items from the food chain. “There is no good reason why anyone should consume these non-nutritional pollutants in our food supply,” said FDA nutrition expert Harley Sain. “The donuts and ice cream cones where sprinkles are usually found are bad enough on their own without this worthless addition.” Sain admitted that “if it were totally up to me, we’d be banning the donuts and ice cream, too. No...
  • Administration Expert Calls for Zero CO2 Emissions [satire]

    12/28/2014 8:00:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    White House Science Adviser John Holdren declared that “the global goal should be to strive for zero carbon dioxide emissions by the year 2100.” He also warned that “it won’t be easy.” One of the factors adding to the difficulty is that every living creature exhales CO2 as an essential function of being alive. The seemingly simple solution of exterminating every living thing is complicated by the emission of greenhouse gases—including CO 2—from decaying corpses. Despite these looming difficulties, Holdren says he is “optimistic that ways around these impediments will be devised before we get to 2100. If the exhalation...
  • Song Mocking Michael Brown Spurs Investigation [satire]

    12/27/2014 5:41:26 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The disclosure that a song making fun of Michael Brown—the young man shot by Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson last August—was played at a party at an Elks Lodge in Glendale California has inspired the Los Angeles Police Department to open an investigation. “Michael Brown has become an icon of the Black Community,” LAPD information officer Jesus Santos asserted. “Many see him as a martyr who died defending the rights of their race. White people have no right to mock him. We need to find out who is behind this song and bring him or her to justice.” Santos speculated...
  • Rangel Decries "Dead Cops" Slander [satire]

    12/27/2014 8:17:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) contended that claims that police brutality protesters chanted "we want dead cops" are "a slander against Black people." This is despite video and audio evidence that appears to verify the claim. "To my ears, these protesters are saying 'we want dread cops,'" Rangel maintained. "Some of us may not have the strongest skills with the English language or be very good with our elocution, but in my heart I can't believe that my people would call for bloodshed." In Rangel's view it makes more sense that the demonstrators were calling for "dread cops, because dreads are...
  • GOP to Become Party of "Yes" [satire]

    12/26/2014 10:59:44 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) brushed off complaints from his Party's conservative wing that his recent actions on the Cromnibus Bill served mainly to enable President Obama's illegal amnesty and fund all of his ill-conceived initiatives—including Obamacare—that Republicans had pledged to oppose if they won the November elections. "Rather than get bogged down in fighting over every specific policy or program, we are going to rebrand the GOP as the Party of 'yes,'" McConnell said. "People don't like to hear the word 'no.' They prefer to get what they want. If we can communicate the message that Republicans...
  • Sessions Will Not Be Senate Budget Committee Chairman [satire]

    12/24/2014 9:55:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) will not be the incoming chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. He has been pushed aside in favor of Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo) despite having served as the top Republican on the committee for the past four years. “It came down to a simple question of who was acceptable to President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) said. “While Senator Sessions has served competently while our Party was in the minority, the President has made it clear that someone more agreeable must man this vital post going forward.” “The time for contesting the priorities of...
  • President’s Change in Cuban Policy Called “First Step” [satire]

    12/23/2014 8:28:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) hailed President Obama’s move to reestablish diplomatic relations with Cuba as “inspired leadership that has made me proud to be an American.” “For too long a succession of white presidents has oppressed this small, racially diverse island nation,” Rangel contended. “It took a Black man to right this wrong.” Rangel said he hopes that “diplomatic recognition is the just the first step. We need to make reparations for the 50 years of suffering the US Government has imposed on the Cuban people.” The Congressman said he “would support legislation aimed at providing food, housing, and other...
  • University Students Sign Petition to Deport Citizens [satire]

    12/22/2014 9:30:24 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Two-thirds of the George Washington University students who were asked to sign a petition calling for Americans to be deported in order to make room for illegal immigrants to reside in the country did so. “The ones we’ve labeled as ‘illegal immigrants’ have just as much right to be here as anyone,” said political science major Adelle Pated. “I mean, as a nation of immigrants, the recent arrivals are probably more representative of what this country is all about than the people born here.” “Deporting anti-social segments of the citizenry to balance out the population flow makes ecological sense,” contended...
  • US Nuclear Disarmament 85% Accomplished [satire]

    12/21/2014 8:13:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The State Department’s Under-Secretary for Arms Control and International Security, Rose Gottemoeller, proudly bragged to a Brookings Institution gathering that “our progress toward total nuclear disarmament is now 85% of the way there. If we can maintain the pace, our last nuclear device will be moth-balled before President Obama completes his term.” Gottemoeller asserted that “it is our fervent hope that our example will inspire others to follow suit” and maintained that “a nuclear-free world will be a safer world.” Whether either of these aspirations would bear out is unknown. Prior to the dawn of the nuclear age less potent...
  • Sony Gives Sharpton Say So on Future Movie Releases [satire]

    12/20/2014 1:32:01 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    In an effort to undo some of the damage from the release of embarrassing internal emails by hackers angry over the movie "The Interview," Sony executive Amy Pascal agreed to let race expert Al Sharpton have the final say on any future movies the firm makes. Although not a party to the hacking, per se, Sharpton castigated Sony for "it's extreme racial bias in the way this controversial film was made. Blacks were excluded from all the major roles. I don't buy the idea that a movie about a Korean dictator isn't a good fit for Black actors. If Jamie...
  • Homeland Security Advises Bigger, Stronger Fence [satire]

    12/20/2014 7:13:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Citing the “dire threat” posed by uninvited intruders, the US Department of Homeland Security is recommending a substantial investment in improved fencing for the White House. “As it stands right now, hostile elements can easily breach the meager barrier that the current fence around the White House presents,” Secretary Jeh Johnson complained. “This is as grave a threat to our nation and its government as could exist. We must take steps to seal off the ease of ingress as a matter of national security.” Administration critics juxtaposed Johnson’s alarm over the inadequacy of the White House fence with his more...
  • Judge Says President's Executive Action on Immigration Unconstitutional [satire]

    12/19/2014 3:49:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Judge Arthur Schwab of the Western District of Pennsylvania ruled that portions of President Obama's unilateral action on illegal immigrants violate the US Constitution's separation of powers. “The alleged grounds of prosecutorial discretion are inadequate to support the totality of what he has tried to do,” Schwab said. “He can decline to prosecute these lawbreakers. That is the limit of his discretion. He does not have the authority to issue them identity papers that would make them eligible for employment or government benefits that existing law prohibits.” Democratic U.S. Senators Dick Durbin (Ill) and Richard Blumenthal (Conn) contend that Schwab...
  • Venezuelan President Calls American Oil Fracking “Act of Aggression” [satire]

    12/18/2014 9:28:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    With his country’s economy on the ropes due to declining oil prices, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro blamed the United States oil fracking industry. “It is an act of aggression against my country and a crime against humanity,” Maduro maintained. “Venezuela needs high oil prices to support our programs to feed our people. These frackers are destroying our ability to feed ourselves.” While most economists see falling fuel prices as beneficial for the vast majority of consumers, Maduro complained that “most of the beneficiaries are rich, white Americans. Saving them money at our cost is a direct attack on my government’s...
  • Congressman Demands Investigation of FDIC “Choke Point” Policy [satire]

    12/17/2014 9:38:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is demanding an investigation of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s “Operation Choke Point” practices. Under these practices, the FDIC pressured banks to freeze or close accounts of businesses that the US Department of Justice designated as “anti-social enterprises.” Among the businesses targeted by DOJ are firearms sellers, coin dealers, and pharmaceutical sales. Martin Gruenberg, chairman of the FDIC, admitted that “while these businesses are not illegal, per se, the president has made it very clear that they are outside the boundary of the type of businesses he thinks we ought to have in our society. There...
  • Ferguson Rioters Object to Time Magazine Decision [satire]

    12/16/2014 3:46:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Time magazine’s editors’ selection of the Ebola fighters as the recipients of the publication’s annual “person of the year” designation greatly riled some of the leaders of the Ferguson, Missouri riots. “It’s just another case demonstrating that Black lives don’t matter,” complained arsonist Monte Burns. “An innocent Black man was shot down on our streets. Now a white magazine is trying to sweep that under the rug by pushing a story about some germs.” “The Ebola fighters haven’t done anything to help right the social injustices that plague America,” insisted Ferguson looter Robbie Moore. “We’re taking direct action to redistribute...
  • Illegal Immigrant Sues Border Patrol [satire]

    12/15/2014 8:46:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Illegal immigrant Jose Manuel Marino-Najera has filed suit against the US Border Patrol for dog bite injuries he sustained during his arrest. Marino-Najera was among a group of immigrants smuggling marijuana across the border. He is alleging that his human rights were violated. “Those border guards disobeyed their own President Obama,” Marino-Najera declared. “He says I have a right to go where I want. They should have given me food and water, not sicced their dogs on me.” Marino-Najera’s lawyer Susan Horschidt claims that “the trauma my client experienced has given him nightmares that have ruined his life. No amount...
  • [Satire] NY Governor Orders Insurers to Cover Sex Reassignment Surgery

    12/14/2014 8:22:45 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) decreed that insurers operating in his state must cover sex reassignment surgery. Up to now insurance has typically not covered this on the grounds that it is elective rather than the result of an unforeseen illness or injury. “The whole idea behind insurance is that it allows the buyer to protect himself against events that he cannot control,” said industry spokesman Barbara Arian. “No one opts to come down with a life-threatening disease or to be maimed in an accident. We can insure against these events because we and the insured both aim to...
  • Cromnibus Puts Taxpayers on Hook for Bank Losses [satire]

    12/13/2014 9:37:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The House-passed $1.1 trillion Continuing Resolution contains a clause that exposes taxpayers to a potential $300 trillion liability for bank losses in derivatives trading. The rider to the CR was the “brain child” of Citigroup. The rider is opposed by both tea party Republicans and left wing Democrats, but is strongly supported by House GOP leadership and President Obama. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), charged that “this maneuver puts the lie to the contention that the GOP is the Party of small government. This is a big government pay off to Wall Street financiers. I’m enormously disappointed that the...
  • Obama Boasts that Successor Won't Be Able to Undo Amnesty [satire]

    12/12/2014 3:19:09 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama taunted opponents of his executive action on illegal immigrants, boasting that "it's permanent. No one will be able to unravel it. I'm not just granting them immunity from prosecution for illegally residing in the United States. I'm giving them ID documents, work permits, and Social Security numbers. They'll have the paperwork making them indistinguishable from American citizens. They'll be working and living in our neighborhoods. Their kids will be going to your kids' schools. They'll be voting in our elections. Any efforts to reverse the rights I've bestowed will be punished at the polls." "Rather than embark on...
  • Feinstein 'Torture Report' outs Charles Martel as Islamophobe

    12/12/2014 10:01:50 AM PST · by xzins · 45 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 12/11/2014 | OfflineKomissar al-Blogunov
    Diane Feinstein's recently released report on controversial CIA interrogation practices indicts, not only the Bush administration, but also all previous administrations going back to the controversial leader of the Franks, Charles Martel, and his victory over the moderate Muslim community at Tours in 732 AD, which can only be described as a gross law enforcement misconduct and hate crime. Citing inside information from medieval Latin and Arabic sources, the report prepared by Feinstein's staffers details a shocking degree of intolerance and Islamophobia on the part of Charles Martel's administration and the army of Franks, who countered the peaceful expansion of...
  • Scrutiny of Planned Parenthood’s Billings to Medicaid Decried [satire]

    12/10/2014 8:58:12 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Fear is building that Wisconsin’s Department of Health Office of Inspector General (OIG) investigation of Planned Parenthood’s over billing of the state’s Medicaid program for services rendered may endanger the financial health of the organization. For example, Planned Parenthood has been billing the state twice the allowable amount for the abortifacient contraceptive Yaz. Beth Hartung, president of the Wisconsin Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association, called the financial reimbursement rules “unreasonable. The mark-ups we attach to these drugs is what helps subsidize services that the state program doesn’t cover.” One of those uncovered programs is surgical abortions. “Squeezing the profit...
  • Announcing Kwanzapalooza

    12/09/2014 1:28:35 PM PST · by MeshugeMikey · 48 replies
    MeshugeMikey | December 9, 2014 | meshugemikey