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Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • President Censors Film Coverage of Outing [semi-satire]

    05/05/2015 12:47:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 May 2015 | John Semmens
    President Barack Obama’s surprise visit to the Teaism Cafe near the White House inspired Time Magazine reporter Zeke Miller to video tape the event. However, the president didn’t want to be taped and ordered Miller to put away his camera. Miller meekly complied. Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “certainly, as the most powerful man on the planet, President Obama has the right to decide which of his activities will or won’t be recorded. He is under no obligation to permit random observations and disclosures of his activities if it doesn’t please him to do so.” A disappointed Miller rued...
  • Write Your Own Academic Sentence

    05/04/2015 7:05:32 PM PDT · by Hawthorn · 19 replies
    Need a sentence for your latest article? Write one here! Just select a word or phrase from each drop-down list and click "Write It." http://writing-program.uchicago.edu/toys/randomsentence/write-sentence.htm
  • Filmmaker Demands Police Be Disarmed [semi-satire]

    05/04/2015 12:06:25 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore issued a statement demanding that police officers in America be barred from carrying firearms and that all imprisoned African Americans be released. Moore says he sees this "as a long term balancing of the scales. For hundreds of years in this country Blacks were enslaved and at the mercy of white overlords. Cosmic justice cries out for a reversal of this tyranny of white over Black. Let's see how the white man fares under racial oppression." The looting of white-owned businesses in Baltimore was characterized by Moore as "long overdue reparations for slavery" and the random...
  • Baltimore Mayor Apologizes for Calling Rioters "Thugs" [semi-satire]

    05/03/2015 3:33:45 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, whose infamous order to police to "give protestors space to destroy," sheepishly apologized to residents who participated in looting stores, burning buildings, and assaulting passersby for using the term "thugs" to describe their behavior. "My use of the word 'thugs' implied that these people were engaged in criminal acts," she said. "I have since been informed that stealing toilet paper, trashing the businesses of owners who had nothing to do with the death of Mr. Gray, and beating up white people foolish enough to venture into the streets were acts of righteous rage." The Mayor maintained...
  • Hillary Calls for Restoring Faith in Government [semi-satire]

    05/03/2015 10:51:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of State and current candidate for president Hillary Clinton bemoaned "the erosion of people's faith in government" and alleged that "it undermines the ability of those of us who are trying to lead." Clinton brushed aside widely perceived impressions that government has done a bad job by pointing out the early history of Christianity's failures. "Jesus' performance compares quite unfavorably with what modern government has been able to deliver," she said. "His people—the Christians—faced centuries of persecution. They were crucified. They were torn apart and devoured by wild animals for the amusement of spectators in the arenas of...
  • Jeb Bush Contends He Is "a Latino Trapped Inside an Anglo Body" [semi-satire]

    05/02/2015 4:57:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 33 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech in Puerto Rico, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) told the audience that "I am a Latino trapped inside an Anglo body." Bush lamented that "there is no ethnic reassignment protocol like there is gender reassignment therapy for a woman trapped inside a man's body. Nevertheless, I feel as if I am an illegal immigrant and want to do what I can to secure the rights of all my compatriots to enjoy the fruits of US citizenship." if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at... http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php/topic,169629.0.html
  • Justice Suggests Allowing Gay Marriage May Not Go Far Enough SATIRE

    05/02/2015 9:24:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Ian Reisner, one of the two gay hoteliers who invited presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex) to speak at a private party, has, after threats from the gay lobby to destroy his business, apologized for his "insensitivity." "I had mistakenly believed that my sexual orientation was not the sum total of who I am," Reisner said. "I had delusions that I could entertain other beliefs about politics that had nothing to do with gay rights. But I have been told that listening to Senator Cruz is akin to listening to Satan. It cannot be permitted. It can only lead me...
  • Kerry Wishes US Had Its Own Ayatollah [semi-satire]

    05/01/2015 10:58:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Admitting that he's feeling some frustration over possible Congressional interference with the agreement with Iran that he's been working on for most of this year, Secretary of State John Kerry avowed that "it would be a lot easier if we had our own Ayatollah—someone whose say so was the final word." "It's an uneven playing field," Kerry complained. "Iran's supreme leader can just issue an edict and everyone in the Iranian government has to go along. President Obama doesn't have this luxury. He can issue an edict, but still has to put up with the possibility that Congress will tamper...
  • Easy free solution to Baltimore's 8%+ and 37%+ unemployment rates:Increase their minimum wage

    05/01/2015 6:46:57 AM PDT · by sickoflibs · 19 replies
    SOL (reference links in body) | 5/1/2015 | sickoflibs
    Some fun relevant facts: Maryland's unemployment rate is ~ 5.5% Baltimore unemployment rate is ~ 8.2 % Baltimore unemployment rate for young black men is ~ 37% %Source CNN Money Maryland's minimum wage is $8.25 per hour Baltimore's minimum (called ‘living’) wage is much higher : ~ $11.50 per hour.source baltimorebrew .com Yep, almost $12 per hour. Recall how we are lectured that outlawing these low paying entry level jobs will create better paying jobs, because they all get a raise which they spend. Yep, no HS degree, no work experience, probably an arrest record (try looting businesses) . Sure...
  • 9-year old boy expelled from school because he said he "didn't like Obama" [satire]

    04/30/2015 11:46:57 AM PDT · by pabianice · 53 replies
    The Stately Harold ^ | April 29, 2015
    9-year old boy expelled from school because he said he "didn't like Obama" April 29, 2015 Freedom of speech breached? 9 year old boy expelled from his school for anti-Obama remark. 9 year old Jacob Wheeler attending Rosa Parks elemenary school in Los Angeles, California, was asked to leave the school and "never come back" after he made some comments that the teacher did not approve of during a history lesson. The lesson, which centered around US presidents since the 18th century along with the current political landscape, was derailed when young Jacob raised his hand and said he "didn't...
  • Hillary is the Only Honest Politician

    04/29/2015 11:51:02 AM PDT · by Talisker · 15 replies
    April 29, 2015 | Talisker
    What do we all know about every single politician? That they are corrupt. I know, every once in awhile we come across one that we feel good about. But then we do background research and find this or that, and we shrug and say, “yeah, well, politics is a dirty business, you’ve got to take the best you can get.” And it’s true, politics IS a dirty business. You need money and influence to run and get elected, and money and influence aren’t free. Specifically, they want payback, and lots of it. So principled politicians try to show that their...
  • Cleveland City Council: Gun Control Needed Whether It Works or Not [semi-satire]

    04/29/2015 10:47:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Cleveland City Council President Kevin Kelley (D) urged fellow council members to pass a sweeping gun-control ordinance despite doubts that it would be effective or enforceable. “Will this measure stop gun violence?” Kelley asked. “Probably not, but it is important that we pass it as a reflection of our values.” A key provision of the new ordinance is that it prohibits carrying a concealed deadly weapon or handgun, unless the person is a police officer or a bonafide criminal. Kelley conceded that “this provision might seem paradoxical, but we feel it greatly simplifies and clarifies the situation. If you are...
  • [Satire] Baltimore Woman Caught on Tape, Now Faces Charges for Child Abuse

    04/28/2015 7:47:52 PM PDT · by Michael.SF. · 27 replies
    myself | 4/28 | myself
    The Baltimore woman who took action when she saw her son hanging out with violent demonstrators Monday, is now facing charges for her brutal treatment of her son. The woman identified as the boy's mother, was watching television when she saw her son throwing rocks at police. She went to find him in the crowd and the confrontation turned physical. The woman was caught on camera grabbing the boy and smacking him in the face. "Are you kidding me?" she's heard saying. The station did not identify her by name. Apparently authorities in Baltimore are not kidding, as a warrant...
  • SATIRE

    04/28/2015 9:10:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that modern automobiles contain computer programs that entail trade secrets and are too complex to be touched by do-it-yourself car buffs, the General Motors Corporation is urging the government to make unauthorized auto repair illegal. It won’t take an Act of Congress to accomplish this objective. A mere reinterpretation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) would do the trick. GM spokesman Lee Hunsacker asserted that “letting just anyone look under the hood is archaic in our day and age. What if they mess something up? The victims of any subsequent crashes will sue us. We are the deep-pocket...
  • ACLU Says Catholic Organizations Must Be Compelled to Fund Abortions [semi-satire]

    04/27/2015 9:59:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The American Civil Liberties Union has filed suit demanding that religious organizations be compelled to provide abortions and contraception to illegal immigrants. “Whether to bear a child or not is a woman’s right under our laws,” said ACLU staff attorney Brigitte Amiri. “No religious organization has the authority to infringe on this right. For Catholic aid organizations to refuse to pay for birth control and abortions is an infringement. Forcing a woman to bear an unwanted child is, as President Obama has said, cruel and unusual punishment. It is unconstitutional and cannot be allowed.” “Rules derived from a mythical being...
  • SATIRE

    04/26/2015 9:31:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen acknowledged that the number of employees assigned to assist taxpayers understand and file tax returns for 2014 was “less than it could’ve been.” Statistics bear out his assessment. It is estimated than less than half of those who phoned the IRS to ask for help actually got through. And of those who did many waited on hold for more than 30 minutes before speaking to an IRS agent. Koskinen defended the shortage of taxpayer help, saying that “we had higher priorities. For one, we had to implement the penalty enforcement phase of the Affordable Care Act....
  • Following Top Secret Leak, David Petraeus Reinstated As CIA Director, Given Backpay (Satire!)

    04/25/2015 10:39:06 AM PDT · by Cry if I Wanna · 1 replies
    The DuffleBlog ^ | April 25, 2015 | Joe Zieja
    WASHINGTON — David Petraeus has been reinstated as CIA Director and given $2.2 million in backpay following new legislation that decriminalizes the leak of top secret information, as long as it is done by people who have deep political connections or fame. Congress unanimously passed legislation on Friday that takes into account a convicted person’s sociopolitical rank before passing sentence on a convicted criminal, particularly when it comes to matters of national security. In this controversial bill, lawmakers standardized the long-standing practice of allowing high-ranking political and military figures to break the law without any fear of the consequences, which...
  • Kerry Blasts Government's Critics for Undermining Prosperity [semi-satire]

    04/25/2015 10:02:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Speaking Tuesday at the 45th Annual Washington Conference of the Council of the Americas, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the Obama Administration's critics for undermining the country's economy. "Countries are far more likely to advance economically and socially when citizens have faith in their governments and are able to rely on them for justice and equal treatment under the law," Kerry maintained. "Yet, day-after-day President Obama faces a raft of criticism of his policies from the likes of Senator Cruz, Governor Walker, and others. These criticisms are destroying people's faith in the government." Kerry cited a recent Pew Research...
  • SATIRE House Speaker Pleads for Hillary to Turn Over Computer Server SATIRE

    04/25/2015 12:54:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    GOP Briefing Room Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    A new slew of allegations has emerged implying that the Clinton Foundation may have accepted bribes in exchange for Hillary to use her Secretary of State status to influence government policy. An example of possible influence peddling was her support for Russia's acquisition of a major stake in American uranium mining. "It looks like she violated the law, and the idea that she was going to use her own server and do official business on it goes against every transparency issue that the President likes to tout," House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) observed. "She should turn that server and all...
  • Email probe finds Oval Office replica in Hillary's compound

    04/24/2015 12:18:58 PM PDT · by Malone LaVeigh · 39 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 4/23/15 | Chedoh
    CHAPPAQUA, NEW YORK – More proof of Hillary Clinton's compulsive presidential aspirations was revealed today by a former aide, Tyrone Gibson, who stepped forward to confirm the existence of a realistic replica of the Oval Office housed deep inside the Clinton compound in Chappaqua, NY, complete with high-definition virtual reality LCD "windows" that display views from the real Oval Office, including real-time weather and even the time of day.
  • Judge Rules Cops May Seize Your Home to Use as a Fort SATIRE

    04/21/2015 8:51:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    When a neighbor was engaged in a domestic dispute, Henderson, Nevada police demanded that Anthony Mitchell allow them to use his home as a fort and command center in order to gain a tactical advantage in their efforts to cope with the situation. Mitchell refused, but police battered down his door, pepper sprayed him, and put him in jail for the duration. Mitchell sued contending that this home invasion by the police violated his constitutional rights under both the Third and Fourth Amendments to the US Constitution. Federal district court Judge Andrew Gordon dismissed Mitchell’s Fourth Amendment argument, saying that...
  • Administration Remains Undaunted by Obamacare [semi-satire]

    04/20/2015 9:16:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration remained undaunted by yet another court ruling against its attempts to compel religious groups to fund abortion coverage in their health insurance plans. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito issued an order preventing the Obama Administration from forcing religious groups in Pennsylvania to pay for abortion-causing drugs mandated by the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The Supreme Court had previously blocked HHS from imposing similar mandates on the Little Sisters of the Poor, Hobby Lobby, Wheaton College, and the University of Notre Dame. That the Administration would repeatedly attempt this type of coercion caused Lori Windham,...
  • Hillary Blames Rich for Ruining America [semi-satire]

    04/19/2015 10:18:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    In her bid to portray herself as the champion of the average American, millionaire presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is lambasting the wealthiest 1% for the impoverishment of the other 99%. It is, she says, “outrageous that the CEO of a major corporation makes 300 times the annual salary of its lowest paid employee.” Clinton’s argument is ironic since her hourly rate for public speaking is 16,000 times the $15 hourly rate that she says ought to be the legal minimum wage. If CEOs are overpaid, former Secretary of State Clinton would appear to be obscenely overpaid. According to Mrs. Clinton,...
  • Chipotle Rival Vies to Become Official Fast Food of Hillary Clinton Campaign [Satire]

    04/18/2015 1:20:09 PM PDT · by dignitasnews · 10 replies
    Dignitas News Service ^ | April 18, 2015 | Dignitas News Team
    As the 2016 Presidential campaign heats up, competition among the candidates has spilled over into the fast-food industry, with eateries across the country wooing White House hopefuls in much the same way politicians seek out votes. Given the notoriety of Hillary Clinton's recent stop at a Chipotle Mexican Grill restaurant in Ohio, Los Angeles-based Pink Taco is vying to become the official fast-food choice of the former First Lady's 2016 campaign. "When we heard Hillary Clinton liked Mexican food, we were excited to have her as part of the Pink Taco team," stated a company spokesman in a recent press conference. Noting that their...
  • Bipartisan Plea for Lynch Confirmation [semi-satire]

    04/18/2015 9:14:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama's nominee for Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, received a vote of support from both media star Al Sharpton and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush this week. Her confirmation has been held up by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) in protest over Obama's executive grant of amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. Sharpton labeled McConnell's actions "racist. Keeping a Black woman from rising up to take her rightful place is a continuation of the hundreds of years of oppression of African Americans in this country. They let a white woman hold this job when Bill Clinton was president. For...
  • President Says ISIS Camp in Mexico Vindicates His Amnesty Policy [semi-satire]

    04/18/2015 1:29:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama says that evidence that the Islamic State has opened a training camp in Mexico, just a few miles from El Paso on the Texas border, vindicates his decision to grant expedited amnesty to illegal immigrants from Latin America. "We've all seen the atrocities these terrorists are capable of," the President observed. "Who can blame Mexicans for fleeing? To deny these refugees sanctuary would be inhumane. To deport them would be cruel and unusual punishment. To delay their integration into our society merely on the grounds that Congress has failed to enact the necessary legislation would be barbaric." Obama...
  • White House “Gender Neutral” Restroom “Not Good Enough” [semi-satire]

    04/14/2015 10:01:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama administration’s efforts to earn gratitude from the gay lobby by adding a “gender neutral” restroom to the White House came up short. Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender spokesperson Irma Crank called the move “not good enough. Every bathroom in every home in America is ‘gender neutral.’ Many businesses already have ‘family restrooms’ that can be used by either gender. The Administration’s attempt to curry favor with such a lame and wishy-washy measure is an insult. Frankly, we expected more from this President.” The “more” expected by Crank “is the right of any person to use any facility—men’s room, ladies room—based on their...
  • Administration Brushes Off Russian Hackers [semi-satire]

    04/13/2015 9:53:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that Russian computer hackers penetrated security at the White House and State Department was brushed aside by National Security Council spokesman Mark Stroh. “Since the Administration has no hostile designs on Russia we don’t consider their gaining access to confidential correspondence at the State Department or White House a threat to our security,” Stroh maintained. “In a way, this could be a good thing. They will see that we bear them no ill will. That could open up new avenues for better relations between our two countries.” “It would be far more worrisome if our correspondence had been illicitly...
  • President Chastises “Less than Loving” Christians [semi-satire]

    04/12/2015 10:26:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama took the occasion of Easter Sunday to chastise Christians for being “less than loving.” “Over the past few months alone we’ve seen so-called Christians refuse to take photographs and bake cakes for gay weddings,” the President lamented. “This directly contradict’s Jesus’ admonition to ‘judge not lest ye be judged.’” Obama rejected the idea that Christians might have legitimate religious objections to social policies with which they disagree. “Jesus bade his followers to turn the other cheek if they are offended,” he reminded. “Jesus allowed himself to be crucified rather than fight back against those who wronged him. Shouldn’t...
  • Iranian Ayatollah Calls Obama “Lying Devil” [semi-satire]

    04/11/2015 9:07:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, characterized US President Barack Obama’s statements about the agreement negotiated between the two countries as “deceptive” and evidence of “devilish” intentions. “Obama’s assertion that Iran has agreed to ramp down its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for a phasing out of economic sanctions is a lie,” Khamenei said. “What we have agreed to is this. First, all sanctions must be immediately ended. Once this happens we agree to refrain from engaging in any nuclear attacks until, in our judgment, circumstances for a favorable outcome warrant it. Most likely, circumstances won’t be favorable for at...
  • Work Requirement Pares Maine Food Stamp Recipients [semi-satire]

    04/10/2015 7:41:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Enforcement of a work requirement by Republican Governor Paul LePage's administration has led to 9,000 former recipients being declared ineligible to receive food stamps. Under the work requirement, able-bodied food stamp recipients were asked to put in 20 hours of work per week or 24 hours of volunteer services per month. State Rep. Scott Hamann (D-South Portland) called the work requirement "inhumane" and compared it to "indentured servitude." "The Governor is taking the state out of the mainstream," Hamann argued. "Other states have sought an exemption from the work requirement, but LePage is charting a course that sends a message...
  • Nation Hopeful There Will Be Equally Random Chance Of Justice For Future Victims Of Police Abuse

    04/09/2015 8:39:28 PM PDT · by MinorityRepublican · 3 replies
    The Onion | 4/9/2015
    Link only
  • Lincoln's portrait removed for picture of the first dogs

    04/09/2015 12:56:32 PM PDT · by Lucky9teen · 45 replies
    WASHINGTON - In a announcement from the White House today the portrait of the sixteenth president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, was removed from its location in favor of an image of the Obama's Portuguese Water Dogs Sunny and Bo. The decision was made by The First Lady Michelle Obama, who was not shy in explaining why she had the portrait removed. "It just always bothered me every single time I walked by it. It looks like some creepy old malnourished white guy with sunken cheeks and bad posture. That's nothing to be proud of, and honestly it sets...
  • Glock to Release Long-awaited Single Stack 9x18mm Makarov Glock 47

    04/09/2015 10:31:28 AM PDT · by envisio · 43 replies
    outdoor hub ^ | 4/1/15 | OutdoorHub Reporters
    Not wanting to let their momentum machine lose any steam after the announcement of the single-stack, 9x19mm Glock 43, the Austrian wondergun manufacturer has unveiled an even more exciting pistol: the 9x18mm Makarov Glock 47. “While the Glock 43 will certainly fulfill some users’ needs for an ultra-compact, reliable, and capable pistol,” said company representative Grigory Otrepyev, “a 9x18mm Makarov model will appeal to a broader and more discerning market.” The Soviet-designed 9x18mm cartridge is well-known for its ability to defeat soft body armor and transfer a significant amount of energy to its target, making it a far superior choice...
  • BREAKING - Video of Harry Reid's Exercise Accident released

    04/08/2015 10:29:50 AM PDT · by tcrlaf · 16 replies
    Youtube ^ | 4-8-2015 | TCRLAF
    Language warning....
  • Rising Sales of US Constitution Put Department of Homeland Security on Alert [semi-satire]

    04/07/2015 8:56:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 April 2015 | John Semmens
    A surge of book sales that pushed the US Constitution into the top ten best seller list of the Conservative Book Club has caused federal officials to put the Department of Homeland Security on "full alert." "This is just the type of abnormal behavior that should trigger a high state of vigilance," Secretary Jeh Johnson declared. "We expect a few loud-mouthed right-wing politicians to repeatedly harp on whether some action taken by the government is constitutional. But we can't afford to overlook tens of thousands of ordinary citizens reading such seditious literature." "Outside of some historical interest, we can see...
  • IRS Chief Scoffs at Idea Agency Could Be Abolished [semi-satire]

    04/06/2015 11:44:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 April 2015 | John Semmens
    IRS commissioner John Koskinen laughed at the idea that Congress could abolish the IRS. "The Tea Party types may have wet dreams over the prospect of eliminating the IRS, but it's not going to happen," Koskinen gibed. "Too many congressmen on both sides of the aisle want the funds our agency extracts from taxpayers. One of the big attractions to holding office is the ability to dole out money to favored constituents. Hampering the IRS in any way would put a kink in that pipeline." "The main gripe average people have with our agency is the complexity of the tax...
  • White House Declares April “Earth Month”

    04/05/2015 8:20:51 AM PDT · by PROCON · 10 replies
    drroyspencer.com ^ | April 1, 2015 | Roy W. Spencer, Ph. D.
    After Saturday night’s unprecedented success with Earth Hour, the White House announced today that, by Executive Order, April has been declared “Earth Month”, the next step in reducing our dependence on fossil fuels. For the month of April, U.S. residents and businesses are being required to turn off all electrical appliances and lights. A special waiver is being given to electric cars and homes running entirely on solar-powered electricity. Compliance will be monitored by volunteers who report infractions to a special EPA hotline. White House press secretary Josh Earnestly stated, “The President’s science advisor has informed us that the...
  • Judge Orders State to Cut Inmate’s Balls Off [semi-satire]

    04/04/2015 9:57:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 April 2015 | John Semmens
    US District Judge Jon Tigar ordered California’s Corrections Department to surgically remove a prisoner’s testicles. The $100,000 surgery would be performed on convicted murderer Jeffrey Bryan Norsworthy—enabling Michelle-Lael Norsworthy to emerge from 51 years of incarceration within the wrong body. The surgery is expected to be the first step in Norsworthy’s eventual release from Mule Creek State Prison in Ione. “For too long this unfortunate woman has been trapped within the body of a monster,” Tigar said. “She was forced to watch helplessly while Jeffrey murdered a person whose name no one can remember. Making Michelle endure the life sentence...
  • Kerry Disputes Comparisons Between Iran Deal and 1938 Munich Agreement [semi-satire]

    04/04/2015 12:18:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 April 2015 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry bristled under comparisons of the recently announced deal with Iran to 1938's agreement between Britain's Neville Chamberlain and Germany's Adolf Hitler over the Sudetenland. Though Chamberlain proclaimed the agreement as assuring "peace for our time," World War II erupted only a year later. "There are just too many differences to make the comparison apt," Kerry claimed. "Hitler threatened to invade Czechoslovakia if his demands weren't met. Iran isn't threatening to invade anyone. Hitler had already invaded Austria. Iran hasn't invaded anyone. Iranian troops in Iraq are there by invitation to fight against ISIL." "There's...
  • Federal Lawsuit Filed Against Local Brothel for Discrimination SATIRE

    04/03/2015 1:14:13 PM PDT · by P-Marlowe · 9 replies
    Satire. Made up. Fake News. | 4/3/15 | P-Marlowe
    Sparks NV A local brothel, the Pinto Ranch, has been slapped with a multi million dollar lawsuit alleging sexual discrimination when a cross dressing lesbian was denied services by one of the prostitutes based on both her sex and her sexual orientation. Gloria Almostred, the attorney for Ima Bulldyke, filed the suit after her client was denied services by former prostitute, Ido Menonly, who refused to provide professional services to Ms. Bulldyke, after discovering that her client was a lesbian. Ms. Menonly was reported to have asked Ms. Bulldyke to leave after she had undressed and that Ms. Menonly complained...
  • President Says Critics Overreacting to Iran’s “Death to America” Rhetoric [semi-satire]

    04/02/2015 9:25:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama insists that Iran’s “death to America” rhetoric is nothing to get worked up about. “First of all, it’s just a slogan—like Burger King’s ‘have it your way,'” Obama argued. “It doesn’t really mean anything.” “Second, it’s not all that negative,” the President continued. “In Islam’s theology, death is the gateway to paradise. For the devout Muslim, hastening the entry into paradise is much to be desired. Granted, unbelievers face eternal torment, but that could easily be remedied by submitting to Allah’s will. So, it is only Americans’ refusal to heed Mohammed’s message that casts an unpleasant pall over...
  • Can Grasshopper Farts REALLY Drive Climate Change?

    04/01/2015 1:54:31 PM PDT · by Citizen Zed · 34 replies
    Nature World News ^ | 4-1-2015 | Brian Stallard
    Passing gas: it's a natural part of bodily function, and not one that's ever associated with doomsday scenarios. However, experts are finding that invasive insects are pumping out more gas than usual, helping facilitate warming in places that otherwise couldn't support them. Growing up to four inches (10 cm) in length, the vagrant grasshopper (Schistocerca nitens), also known as the gray bird grasshopper, is a pretty big bug. It should be no surprise, then, that it can pass some pretty impressive gas. "Fart jokes aside, this thing is practically a smokestack," Arnulf Fälschung, a Swiss entomologist currently working with the...
  • Lefty Celebrities Rosie O’Donnell, Michael Moore Announce Joint Venture

    04/01/2015 11:56:17 AM PDT · by drewh · 28 replies
    Newsbusters ^ | APRIL 1, 2015
    In the most surprising news of the year so far concerning liberal celebrities, the New York Times reported in its Wednesday editions that Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell have more than ideological synchronicity. They are now expecting their first child together. As befits the leftist agenda of the Times, reporter Amanda Portcullis, who interviewed Moore and O’Donnell for the story, presented the developments in a highly positive light. She quoted no one who criticized Moore’s anti-business, anti-conservative movies, nor did she allow anyone to state an opposing view to O’Donnell’s 9/11 “trutherism” and hostility to gun rights. The article revealed...
  • Congressman Faces Backlash over Cruz Comments satire

    04/01/2015 9:51:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    After calling newly announced GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz a “big mouth” and a “failure,” Rep Peter King (R-NY) was shocked to receive feedback in-kind from Cruz supporters. “People have been phoning my office belittling my accomplishments and asserting that I am all talk,” King complained. “This is disrespectful. No member of Government should have to put up with such abuse.” King rebutted assertions that his inelegant way of expressing his disagreement with Sen. Cruz may have invited equally inelegant retorts. “I am a member of Congress, the Constitution explicitly protects my right to speak on any matter without...
  • DOJ creates new police shooting qualification target standard

    04/01/2015 7:29:12 AM PDT · by Malone LaVeigh · 18 replies
    Call The Cops ^ | 4/1/15 | RJ
    The US Department of Justice has just unveiled the new official target to be used for all US Police officer firearms qualification shoots. This new target is being heralded by both Pro-Police and Anti-Police groups as a first step to making the public trust Law Enforcement again.
  • Clinton Wipes Server, Cites Right Against Self-Incrimination [semi-satire]

    03/31/2015 9:10:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    In what her backers are calling the “perfect checkmate” move, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has sought to blunt all further inquiries into her activities while at the Department of State by completely reformatting the server used for her email correspondence while she was in office. “Those who are trying to prove that I’m guilty of violating the law will have to do it without access to documents formerly on my own private server,” Clinton announced. “They may grouse that since I used this server for all my official correspondence as Secretary of State that I had no right...
  • Mayor Suggests that Chicago Airports Be Renamed [semi-satire]

    03/30/2015 8:42:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    In an unexpectedly difficult reelection campaign, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel sought to rally support by promising to rename the City’s two airports in honor of President and Michelle Obama. The two airports are currently named in honor of World War II Navy pilot Edward “Butch” O’Hare and the 1942 Battle of Midway—an upset US victory over Japan that many historians view as the turning point of the war in the Pacific. “I don’t mean to denigrate these earlier historic events, but they pale in significance to the impact that President Obama has had on this country,” Emanuel explained. “O’Hare was...
  • UN Human Rights Official Says Islamic State More Open to Diversity than West SATIRE

    03/29/2015 10:47:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    UN human rights chief Zeid Raad al-Hussein told the Security Council that “the Islamic State is more accepting of ethnic diversity than the western governments that are making war on them.” “Islam is open to persons of every race, color, or ethnicity,” Zeid pointed out. “It doesn’t matter if a person is black or white. As long as he accepts Allah as his master he can be a full member of the umma. This stands in contrast to a long history in which western governments have oppressed and even enslaved persons because of the color of their skin.” In support...
  • Bergdahl Didn't Desert, Lawyer Says [semi-satire]

    03/28/2015 8:55:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    While the Army has decided to charge Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and "misbehaving before the enemy," his lawyer, Eugene Fidell, contends that Bergdahl never intended to desert. "Sgt Bergdahl had serious concerns about the lack of discipline in his unit," Fidell contended. "Rather than engaging in idle griping, he took the initiative to try to resolve the problem by conducting an independent inspection of the standards and practices of the Taliban. It was his hope that what he learned could help reform the way US troops behaved while in the field." "His plan was thwarted when the Taliban refused...