Keyword: satire

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • ISIS holds caliphate-wide safety stand-down after botched NYC terror attack (Satire)

    12/13/2017 8:27:46 AM PST · by rey · 19 replies
    Duffleblog ^ | 12 Dec 2017
    SYRIA — ISIS is initiating a caliphate-wide safety stand-down after one of its members injured himself on Monday with his own explosive device in New York City, sources confirmed today. “This is a chance for us to stop operations and come together as a family to figure out what we are doing wrong,” said Akbar Muhammad, Director of Standardization and Training for ISIS. What should have been a routine operation on Monday to maim innocent civilians instead turned into another embarrassing stain on the caliphate’s already sullied reputation. Akayed Ullah’s failed attempt resulted in zero casualties while injuring himself in...
  • Kaepernick Awarded Ho Chi Minh Red Star [semi-satire]

    12/12/2017 9:43:56 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    This week Colon Kaepernick, the original “kneeling football player,” was honored with the annual Ho Chi Minh Red Star award for his efforts against capitalist oppression. The gem-encrusted jewel was presented by 1972 award recipient Jane Fonda at the ACLU of Southern California’s annual Bill of Rights Dinner. Fonda hailed “Kaepernick’s extraordinary courage in the face of the extreme dangers he endured while being forced to risk life and limb for the amusement of unjustly rich team owners and rabidly racist fans of the barbaric sport as a player and the enmity of those who disrespected his right to disrespect...
  • Newsweek Demands to Know Why 'Mike Pence's Animals Won't Stop Dying'

    12/12/2017 4:13:16 AM PST · by MarvinStinson · 52 replies
    pjmedia ^ | DECEMBER 8, 2017 | MEGAN FOX
    My fellow Americans, I am sorry to bring you this disturbing and frightening tale from the once great Newsweek magazine. There are no more news stories to report that will upset you more than this one. The bad news is, the Pences are murderous, irresponsible pet owners. Don't take my word for it, read what crack journalist John Haltiwanger at the venerable giant of a news magazine uncovered in "Mike Pence's Pets Won't Stop Dying": "Vice President Mike Pence's family has lost yet another pet––a cat named Pickle––just six months after cat Oreo died." Pickle the cat died mysteriously after...
  • Franken Persecuted by Democrats semi-satire]

    12/11/2017 9:40:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    Despite asserting “I’ve done nothing wrong” and expressing confidence that he would have been cleared of wrongdoing by a Senate Ethics Committee investigation, Sen Al Franken (D-Minn) announced that he would be resigning his seat “in the next few weeks.” Franken, pressured by dozens of his fellow Democrats to “resign for the good of the Party,” complained about “the double standard in our society that lets Donald Trump get away with boasting about groping women, but hangs me because I actually took the initiative to interact with these women. As Trump said on the Access Hollywood tape ‘women let you...
  • House Hearing Reveals Pattern of Bias in FBI [semi-satire]

    12/10/2017 10:07:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    In FBI Director Christopher Wray’s testimony before a House committee earlier this week it became apparent that the FBI exhibited a pattern of inconsistent treatment and bias in the way the agency has handled investigations of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump over the last two years. Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) called the revelations “very damaging to the reputation and credibility of the FBI. Even though there appears to be considerable evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton violated the law, the agency. under then Director James Comey, bent over backwards...
  • TRUMP WHITE HOUSE WEIGHING PLANS FOR PRIVATE SPIES TO COUNTER “DEEP STATE” ENEMIES

    12/05/2017 1:26:53 PM PST · by shove_it · 71 replies
    TheIntercepy ^ | 4 Dec 2017
    THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION is considering a set of proposals developed by Blackwater founder Erik Prince and a retired CIA officer — with assistance from Oliver North, a key figure in the Iran-Contra scandal — to provide CIA Director Mike Pompeo and the White House with a global, private spy network that would circumvent official U.S. intelligence agencies, according to several current and former U.S. intelligence officials and others familiar with the proposals. The sources say the plans have been pitched to the White House as a means of countering “deep state” enemies in the intelligence community seeking to undermine Donald...
  • Obama Claims Credit for Booming Economy [semi-satire]

    12/09/2017 9:11:19 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    Rosy economic statistics showing a robust 3.3% annual growth in gross domestic product and an all time low in the unemployment rate for Hispanics prompted former President Barack Obama to assert that "the real credit for this good news belongs to me." "Trump wants everyone to believe that his relaxation of regulations and championing of tax cuts deserve the credit," Obama said. "What he and everyone else is overlooking is that the stringent regulations and high taxes that prevailed for my eight year term built up the 'coiled spring' pressure that, when released by Trump's moves, allowed the economy to...
  • Trump Recognizes Jerusalem as Israeli Capital [semi-satire]

    12/08/2017 11:32:26 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    After three previous presidents neglected to abide by legislation ordering the United States to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, President Trump obeyed the law by announcing that we will be moving our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. The move was denounced by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah who contends that "this humiliation of 1.5 billion Muslims is immoral and illegal. Allah has given all the world to the Muslims. Trump's attempt to claim Jerusalem for Satan and his Jewish demons contradicts the eternal laws written in the Quran. Death and sorrow will be the payment extracted from the...
  • Millennial Who Pays $0 In Taxes Outraged She Will Still Pay $0 In Taxes-SATIRE

    12/05/2017 2:04:45 PM PST · by fungoking · 14 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 12/5/17 | Staff
    PALO ALTO, CA—Local millennial and part-time retail clerk Cady Benson expressed her outrage Tuesday over the new Republican tax plan, which will force her to continue to pay exactly zero dollars of federal income tax in coming years, sources confirmed. Benson, whose personal tax burden for the past five years adds up to a grand total of zero, ripped the new GOP plan on social media. “Republicans sure know how to take care of their fat cat donor friends!” said a tweet from the 25-year-old, who has never had to pay any taxes on the money she earns working part-time...
  • Councilwoman Wants to Outlaw Bullet-Proof Glass [semi-satire]

    12/04/2017 9:36:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    Philadelphia City Councilwoman Cindy Bass is pushing an ordinance that would bar retailers from having bullet-proof glass block customers' access to store employees. The glass is common in convenience markets that serve high-crime sectors of the city. "Bullet-proof glass is an insult to minorities," Bass contends. "Lots of businesses in these same neighborhoods—barber shops and bars, for example—don't have these barriers. That's the neighborly way to run a business. If these convenience markets aren't going to be neighborly voluntarily we need to have a law that forces them." Rich Kim, whose family has owned a deli in the city for...
  • District Judge Blocks College Football Playoff Rankings [satire]

    12/03/2017 3:00:04 PM PST · by scottinoc · 29 replies
    Vanity | 12/3/2017 | Scott Johnson
    In a rare intervention by the federal courts into college athletics, Federal District Court Judge Butch Leftwich has order a temporary block of the College Football Playoff rankings as issued earlier today by the Committee, citing unfairness and political bias. In her ruling, Judge Leftwich stated "In this current political era, it is unconscionable and de facto unconstitutional to have a college football playoff committee choose 4 teams from deep red states. This court has determined that a more fair distribution would include for example, Syracuse or USC." The judge did not include Ohio State in her list, as a...
  • Soros Says Hungary Undoing Gains of Communism [semi-satire]

    12/03/2017 10:01:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    Billionaire financier and funder of Antifa leftist goons, George Soros complains that current Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban “is undoing all the progress made during the 40 years the country was ruled by Communists. After World War II, Stalin’s troops ensured that the people of Hungary would enjoy the full benefits of a progressive political and social system. Orban is throwing all that away.” Particularly irritating to Soros is what he calls “Orban’s perverted use of border fences and guards. He has turned the previous progressive policy on its head by using these traditional barriers to keep migrants out instead...
  • Are you smarter than an Ivy League Law Professor or a brick?(Satire)

    12/02/2017 5:52:22 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 16 replies
    12/2/17 | RetiredTexasVet
    Are you smarter than an Ivy League Law Professor or a brick? Well, the CDC and big pharma hopes that you are not. Ads are already appearing on the news media promoting flu shots that are 10% effective. You will certainly pay full price (not 10%) for the ineffective vaccine. At 10% effectiveness, you could probably get the same immunity from a cup of hot tea with a shot of whiskey added for about 10% of the cost of the ineffective flu shot. Big pharma and medicine seems not to be worried about their investment and stock prices because millions...
  • Juror Explains Verdict in Murder Trial [semi-satire]

    12/02/2017 11:39:38 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, Jose Ines Garcia Zarate, the man who shot and killed Kate Steinle in 2015, was acquitted of all homicide-related charges (murder, manslaughter, negligent homicide) by a San Francisco jury. The sole charge on which jurors could agree he was guilty was “illegal possession of a firearm.” Speaking “off-the-record,” Juror X explained that “the fact that the defendant had previously been deported five times persuaded us that he was not really responsible for killing Ms. Steinle. On the one hand, several jurors blamed the government for inciting Mr. Garcia’s rage. Being repeatedly forced to sneak into the country at...
  • NBC Sexual Predator Seeks $30 million Payoff [semi-satire]

    12/02/2017 7:52:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    Former "Today Show" star Matt Lauer is threatening to sue NBC for the $30 million balance owed for the one-and-a-half years remaining on his contract with the network. Lauer was summarily fired earlier in the week following a raft of accusations that he sexually assaulted several women in his office. Lauer's lawyer, Marvin Tushman maintains that "the firing is a breach of contract. Nothing that my client did was outside the bounds of normal behavior at the network. He wasn't the only one groping and boffing women at 30 Rock. For the NBC brass to make an issue of it...
  • Flynn to Testify Against Trump [semi-satire]

    12/02/2017 12:26:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Dec 2017 | John Semmens
    U.S. District Judge Rudolph Contreras advised admitted liar Gen. Michael Flynn "to fully cooperate with special counsel Robert Mueller" and told him he can avoid substantial prison time "if and only if he provides substantial assistance in the prosecution of another person." Flynn has pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI about a conversation he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak during the post-election transition period following Donald Trump's victory over presidential rival Hillary Clinton. Insiders are reporting that Flynn has told Mueller that "Trump told me to contact the Russians and have them set up the 'accidental' tarmac meeting...
  • BREAKING: Matt Lauer & Garrison Keillor HIRED! [satire, but could be true]

    11/29/2017 12:47:10 PM PST · by Drango · 20 replies
    Drango | 11/29/17 | Drango
    Bill Clinton has hired Matt Lauer & Garrison Keillor to work at the Clinton Foundation. Anthony Weiner hired 4 months ago will be their newsupervisor
  • For Attempt to Record Bullying, Mother Is Charged with Felony [semi-satire]

    11/26/2017 9:24:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    After numerous unanswered complaints to the bureaucrats running Ocean View Elementary school in Norfolk, Virginia regarding her daughter being bullied by other students, Sarah Sims put a digital recorder in her 9-year-old’s backpack. School authorities found the recorder and reported it to the police. Sims is now charged with “felony use of a device to intercept oral communication.” Vice-Principal Rupert Petty explained that “covert recording is not a minor infraction. For one thing, surveillance is the exclusive prerogative of school authorities. Students and parents who take it upon themselves to usurp this prerogative demonstrate a disrespect for authority. We have...
  • Major Feminist News Site Shuts Down, Admits Whole Thing Has Been a Joke

    11/26/2017 4:37:48 AM PST · by x1stcav · 9 replies
    Conservative Tribune ^ | November 25, 2017 | Benjamin Arie
    “We thought no one in the world could possibly hold views as ridiculous as that, so we wrote it as satire and published it.” Then actual feminists began to say the same thing. Parody became a sick reality.
  • GOP Tax Bill Gives Jersey Dem Pause [semi-satire]

    11/25/2017 9:32:59 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Nov 2017 | John Semmens
    A provision in the Republican tax reform that would eliminate the itemized deduction for state and local income taxes has prompted New Jersey State Senate President Steve Sweeney (D) to reconsider his Party’s plan to raise the state income tax rate to 10.75 percent. “While the new rate would only apply to those in the highest tax bracket the loss of the opportunity to deduct the taxes they pay to New Jersey from their federal tax liability could have significant negative impacts on the state,” Sweeney warned. “Without these federal deductions for state taxes the full burden for state spending...