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Keyword: wasteoftime

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  • GE CEO Blames Business Colleagues for High Unemployment

    07/17/2011 1:01:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 15 July 2011 | John Semmens
    General Electric (GE) Chairman and Chief Executive Officer (CEO) Jeffrey Immelt castigated his business peers calling them “the prime suspects” behind the nation’s persistent high unemployment. “They’d like to point the finger at high taxes, excessive regulation, economic uncertainty, or President Obama, but they can’t,” Immelt insisted. “Businesses are the ones that decide whether to hire people. The government isn’t stopping them from offering jobs.” Immelt speculated that “some businesses may be holding back on hiring out of animosity toward the President,” but characterized this as “a bad strategy.” “Look, if you cooperate with the President there are definitely benefits,”...
  • President Dismisses Poll Showing Voters Oppose Raising Debt Ceiling

    07/16/2011 3:24:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 15 July 2011 | John Semmens
    President Obama dismissed the idea that a poll showing 69% of voters opposed to raising the debt ceiling ought to have any impact on policy. “What does the average person know about government finance?” the President wondered. “I’d say practically nothing. An individual’s experience with debt is vastly different from what the government faces. An individual must pay his debts out of his own income. The government has other options.” “For one, the government can tax other people’s income to pay its debts,” Obama continued. “The government can also print money to pay for stuff. Individuals can’t do that.” “Finally,...
  • McConnell’s Proposal to Cede Debt Authority to President Gaining Traction

    07/16/2011 11:20:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 47 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 15 July 2011 | John Semmens
    Fearful that a failure to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling “could lead to the end of government as we know it,” Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) has proposed legislation that would grant President Barack Obama unilateral authority to increase the nation’s debt load. “In an ideal world decisions on how much the government ought to spend should be made by Congress,” McConnell said. “However, the current crisis requires that we think outside of the ‘Constitutional box.’ With the legislative power split between our two Parties there is no chance for an agreement on how to deal with this crisis. Our...
  • President Admits Mistakes on Economy

    07/10/2011 2:19:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    With the US economy mired in high unemployment and soaring government deficits, President Barack Obama admitted “I might have misunderestimated the impact of the recession,” but insisted “no one else had any better ideas for how to proceed to a recovery.” Hailing the reconstituted General Motors as an example, Obama suggested that “we could’ve been more aggressive in inserting government direction into more sectors of the economy. Fortunately, it’s not too late to pick up the pace of government oversight of business investments and operations.” The president then blamed himself for “excessive deference to Congress. I was hoping everyone would...
  • Homeowner Faces Jail for Front Yard Garden

    07/10/2011 5:48:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Oak Park, Michigan resident Julie Bass faces a possible 90-day jail sentence for planting an “unsuitable” vegetable garden in the front yard of her home. “We came up with the idea as both a way to cut back on our food bill and to teach our kids some useful skills,” Bass said. “Now, every kid in the neighborhood is over here playing ‘farmer.’ They’re also a lot more eager to eat their vegetables after growing them themselves.” Oak Park City Planner Kevin Rulkowski has ruled that the garden violates city code. “Ms. Bass’s household budget, nutritional and educational objectives are...
  • Why Herman Cain could be the GOP's perfect Obama rival

    07/06/2011 10:00:16 AM PDT · by kingattax · 46 replies
    Yahoo/Christian Science Monitor ^ | Jul 5, 2011 | Charlton McIlwain
    Herman Cain defies the stereotype of blacks as liberal. And his embrace of conservatism and rugged individualism might make him the Republicans' best salesman – and counter to Obama. Black candidates must be especially image savvy to navigate the delicate contours of today’s racial politics. They must cultivate racial appeal, without provoking racial resentment, and expend their racial capital, without succumbing to the litany of stereotypes whites associate with them. We thought Barack Obama mastered this art, believing future black candidates must learn at his feet. But Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain might prove more teacher than apprentice. My co-author,...
  • Minnesota Government Shutdown Hurts Most Vulnerable, Says Gov

    07/04/2011 5:55:03 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 25 replies
    The impasse between the Republican legislature and Democratic Governor Mark Dayton that led to a shutdown of the state’s government is “hurting those most vulnerable” says Dayton. “Take the case of Sonya Mills,” Dayton suggested. “This single mother of eight stands to lose the $40,000/ year subsidy we were providing. Now who’s going to take care of her children? Or is she supposed to do it herself?” Termination of funding to Ms. Mills is a consequence of there being no budget. There is no budget because Governor Dayton refused to consider reductions in spending to match the decline in tax...
  • TSA Thefts from Passengers Called “Collateral Damage”

    06/26/2011 2:38:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 25 June 2011 | John Semmens
    While the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) may have successfully sold the molestation of airline passengers as a “necessary inconvenience” on the road to national security, it is not so easy to explain away theft. Thus far, 200 current TSA officers have been formally accused of stealing from passengers’ luggage. Over 500 TSA officers have been fired or suspended for theft since the agency was established in 2001. “We’re not saying that the thefts are acceptable,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. “They’re not. But in the grand scheme of things, the risk of losing something from your luggage must be...
  • Treasury Secretary Makes Case for Higher Taxes

    06/25/2011 1:20:03 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 25 June 2011 | John Semmens
    In testimony before a House of Representatives Committee, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner argued that higher taxes are needed “to forestall a potentially disastrous shrinkage of government.” Representative Renee Ellmers (R-NC) challenged Geithner’s assertion pointing out that “government spending in this country now consumes almost two-thirds of the income generated by the private sector—the most ever in our history. This is hardly a shrinkage of government.” “I didn’t say government was shrinking,” Geithner replied. “I was warning that it could shrink if we don’t find more revenue to feed it. A lot of people don’t understand that government is the crucial...
  • Head of Fed Baffled

    06/25/2011 8:38:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 41 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 25 June 2011 | John Semmens
    Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank (Fed) pronounced himself “baffled” by the state of the economy. “The federal government is spending like there’s no tomorrow, we’ve added trillions to the national debt over the last three years, we’re cranking out more new money than ever before, yet the economy is lying there like a beached whale,” Bernanke mused. “I have to admit, I’m baffled by it all.” Bernanke dismissed businesses’ reluctance to invest as “irrational.” “Look, our ‘quantitative easing’ couldn’t be clearer,” Bernanke insisted. “Whatever they borrow today can be paid back later in cheaper dollars. We’re effectively...
  • President Says ATM a Symbol of What’s Wrong with this Country

    06/26/2011 10:17:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 25 June 2011 | John Semmens
    With unemployment remaining stubbornly high after more than two years of his Administration’s economic stimulus policies, President Obama laid into the ATM (Automatic Teller Machine) as a symbol of what’s ailing the economy. “First off, these machines displace workers, increasing unemployment,” Obama maintained. “People used to be employed as bank tellers to dispense cash and take deposits. Now, millions of these machines have eliminated millions of jobs.” “Secondly, the government’s ability to control how money is dispensed is hampered,” the President added. “These machines are open around the clock and the process is pretty much automatic. If there’s money in...
  • Palin E-Mails Unsettling

    06/18/2011 2:48:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 25 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 June 2011 | John Semmens
    The release of more than 20,000 of former Governor Sarah Palin’s e-mails has yielded content that some are calling unsettling. “We noted that on more than one occasion Governor Palin mentioned that she hoped for divine guidance to help her reach the right decision on an issue,” the Associated Press (AP) wrote in an unsigned analysis. “This is wrong on several levels. First, it is an illegal mingling of church and state. There’s supposed to be a wall between the two. Palin breached that wall.” “Second, it implies a certain degree of helplessness on Palin’s part,” the AP continued. “Were...
  • Police Seize & Destroy Witnesses’ Cell Phones

    06/13/2011 2:34:20 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 42 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 11 June 2011 | John Semmens
    Police in Miami Beach, Florida destroyed all witnesses’ cell phones after one of them used a phone to record the police fire 100 bullets at a suspect. The shooting left the suspect dead and four bystanders wounded. Police spokesman, Richard Tator explained that the phone confiscation was “standard procedure.” “Multiple recordings of enforcement activities generate unnecessary complications that could endanger the prosecution’s case,” Tator asserted. “To avoid this problem officers are instructed to expunge all unauthorized recordings.” The crushing of a half-dozen cell phones may not have accomplished the desired objective, though. One witness, Narces Benoit, managed to extract his...
  • Feds Raid Home Seeking Student Loan Repayment

    06/12/2011 3:18:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 11 June 2011 | John Semmens
    A federal SWAT operation kicked down the doors of Kenneth Wright’s home in a 6 A.M. raid because his wife, who no longer lives at the residence, failed to repay her student loan. Wright, who had been sleeping, was dragged out of the house in his underwear, thrown face down on the front lawn and held at gunpoint. His three children were not harmed. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan defended the harsh tactics. “Too many people are defaulting on their student loans,” Duncan pointed out. “The old system of pursuing collections through the courts may have been the only alternative...

    06/11/2011 12:14:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 11 June 2011 | John Semmens
    MSNBC’s Chris Matthews called criticism of Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) “culturally backward.” Weiner is currently under fire for sending nude pictures of himself to women across the nation and then lying about it. “People say they want transparency from government,” Matthews observed. “What’s more transparent than a naked picture? Isn’t it saying ‘I have nothing to hide?’” Matthews urged Weiner to resist pressures for his resignation. “He needs to stay the course,” Matthews argued. “Now is not the time to surrender to narrow-minded notions of what constitutes appropriate behavior. People shouldn’t be ashamed of their bodies. We shouldn’t hound out...
  • Former Speaker Predicts Democrats Will Take Back House

    06/06/2011 10:31:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) predicted that the Democrats will win a majority in the 2012 elections because “voters will have tired of Republican efforts to cut spending and resist tax increases.” “The whole ‘Tea Party’ notion that voters oppose taxes is out-of-date by more than 200 years,” Pelosi averred. “The money isn’t going to the King of England. It’s buying Medicare, Social Security, welfare, corporate bailouts, you name it. Voters love these programs. Bigger government is the only way they can be sure that they continue. Republican demands for ‘fiscal sobriety’ require a self-discipline among voters that just...
  • California Dems Kill Bills that Would Scrutinize Their Behavior

    06/06/2011 6:52:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Legislation that would increase oversight of legislators’ behavior has been pushed aside by the Democratic majority in the California Assembly. Among the bills torpedoed by the Democratic leadership were one aimed at requiring public officials to disclose their sources of compensation, another would’ve banned receiving of “freebies” from lobbyists, a third would’ve docked legislators’ per diem pay for absences. Robin Swanson, spokeswoman for Assembly Speaker John A. Pérez (D-Los Angeles), defended the deferrals of this reform legislation. “With the economy on the rocks and the state budget in shambles now is not the time to penalize hardworking legislators,” Swanson said....
  • Palin Vacation “Dangerous” Says CBS

    06/05/2011 11:19:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 41 replies
    Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s family vacation tour of historic sites has attracted hordes of media attention—a situation that CBS News Producer Ryan Corsaro characterizes as “dangerous.” “We’ve been provided with no schedule or itinerary,” Corsaro complained. “We’re forced to stalk her if we want to find out where she’s going and what she’s doing. It’s very aggravating, not to mention dangerous. Every network wants to be first in line to get the best picture, to be close enough to overhear every conversation. Media vehicles are racing with each other, tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic trying to beat...
  • Feds Threaten Indiana over Defunding of Planned Parenthood

    06/05/2011 1:09:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) is threatening to withhold federal Medicaid funding to the State after its legislature enacted a law barring Planned Parenthood from receiving state money because some of it would be used to fund abortions. Medicaid Administrator Donald Berwick said, “Indiana’s attempt to block funding for a recognized provider of family planning services conflicts with Administration policy. What is and isn’t covered is determined by the federal government. No state has the authority to deviate from the guidelines mandated by federal policy.” Under federal Medicaid rules, states may bar service providers engaged in criminal...

    05/28/2011 10:38:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    With Senate passage of the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act (PROTECT IP), the US government has moved a step closer to total control over the Internet. Under the Act, the government will be authorized to seize domains, block websites and censor search engines. Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) emphasized that “the bill is merely an extension of existing authority. It is not new censorship.” The extension was deemed necessary because “rogue websites can escape government control by locating outside the United States. This new law will counter this by allowing the government to...
  • Wrangling over the War Powers Act

    05/22/2011 11:39:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Republican demands that President Obama comply with the War Powers Act will be ignored, says Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich), Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee. “President Obama is already in violation of the War Powers Act,” Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken) argued. “The civil war in Libya did not meet the Act’s criteria for allowing the President to take military action. It was not a national emergency nor did the President seek and obtain Congressional authorization as former President Bush did before deploying troops to Afghanistan and Iraq.” “Even if it were determined that the Libyan situation did constitute a...
  • Treasury Secretary Says Default May Be Preferred Option If Debt Ceiling Not Raised

    05/14/2011 1:47:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner assailed Republican “attempts to hold spending hostage to the debt ceiling issue.” “They’re saying that default isn’t automatic, that we can cut other spending to prevent default,” Geithner said. “We could, but this would force us to prioritize the revenues we have available in ways that we don’t want to. The President’s initiatives on high-speed rail and the ‘green economy,’ for example, may seem expendable to his enemies in Congress. However, the decision on whether to forego paying for such crucial programs or to stop making payments on old debt is at our discretion. We...
  • Attorney General Defends Arming Mexican Drug Cartels

    05/07/2011 5:53:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 43 replies
    US Attorney General Eric Holder denied critics’ contention that his Department’s Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) scheme of selling military ordinance to Mexican drug cartels was “a stupid idea.” Under the Department’s so-called “Gunwalker” program, surplus military weapons like M-16 and M-4 assault rifles, grenades, and AK-47s captured from foreigners were sold to the cartels by BATFE agents. “These types of criminals are going to get weapons by hook or by crook,” Holder declared. “If they buy them from us two key objectives are attained. First, the Department earns revenue that can be used for other law...
  • Administration Defends Executive Order Implementing Failed Legislation

    05/01/2011 1:47:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 30 April 2011 | John Semmens
    The White House defended using the President’s authority to issue an Executive Order implementing the so called DISCLOSE Act. The Order would require companies doing business with the federal government to report on any political contributions to independent groups. Congress rejected the DISCLOSE Act last year. Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney asserted that “it’s essential that the President know who his enemies are so he can ensure that they are not rewarded with government contracts. He cannot allow his hands to be tied by Congress. Congress harbors many who oppose the President’s agenda and who wish him ill. To let...
  • Birth Certificate “the Last Document” the President Will Be Sharing with the Public

    04/30/2011 1:32:36 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 30 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Senior White House adviser Valerie Jarrett said that President Obama’s recently unveiled birth certificate “is the last document he will be sharing with the public. It’s bad enough that the ruler of the free world has been mercilessly harassed and humiliated into revealing the most private details of his birth. Demands that he open up other records relating to his academic career will not be honored.” Claiming victory from his efforts to induce President Obama to disclose his birth certificate, real estate tycoon and potential GOP presidential candidate, Donald Trump has turned his attention to Obama’s college records. “I’ve heard...
  • Former Speaker Torn over Importance of Elections

    04/17/2011 5:12:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) admitted to mixed feelings over the role elections will play in the future of America. “I know that as a Democrat I’m expected to support democracy,” Pelosi said. “But is democracy an end in itself or merely a means to an end? I mean, it was important that we elected President Obama to rule this country. Now that he is President, though, what further gains could there be from the electoral process? Might not future elections even serve to undermine the changes he’s already implemented?” Pelosi proclaimed herself extremely distressed...
  • Obama Says Failure to Raise Debt Ceiling Will Wreck Global Economy

    04/16/2011 2:18:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 April 2011 | John Semmens
    President Obama issued a dire prediction of global economic catastrophe should Congress fail to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling. “This is no time for fooling around or playing politics on this critical issue,” Obama declared. “USGovernment spending is the driving force of global prosperity. Without it businesses and individuals would be forced to make their own decisions on what to produce, how to produce it, and where to sell it. We need government to ensure that resources are used wisely and distributed equitably to avert the chaos of unfettered capitalism.” A few examples of capitalistic chaos were cited by...
  • Councilman Argues for Hiring More Ex-Cons

    04/16/2011 8:40:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Pittsburgh City Councilman Ricky Burgess introduced legislation that would make it easier for persons with a criminal record to be hired by the city. “Most of those with a criminal record are Democrats,” Burgess observed. “Should we really be penalizing our own constituency by excluding them from working for the city?” read more...
  • President Urges Consumers to “Get used to Higher Gas Prices”

    04/10/2011 12:51:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 31 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 9 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Calling higher prices “a key incentive for conserving,” President Obama told an audience of 500 employees at the Gamesa Technology Corp., a wind turbine manufacturing plant in Pennsylvania, that “we need to get used to higher gas prices for the sake of our environment.” “There is no gain without at least a little pain,” the President argued. “Paying a few dollars more at the pump will encourage people to cut back on unnecessary trips and use public transit when they have to travel. If we’re going to save the planet we all have to make sacrifices.” As an example of...
  • Government Shutdown Won’t Affect Congressional Pay

    04/09/2011 12:40:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2011 | John Semmens
    While various segments of the federal government face defunding in the event of a government shutdown, Congressional pay won’t be affected. In an effort to deflect political repercussions, several members of Congress (including House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio) have sworn to forgo their paychecks for the duration of any shutdown, Representative Linda Sánchez (D-Calif) won’t be one of them. “I can’t afford to go one day without my salary,” Sánchez declared. “Like most Americans, I live paycheck-to-paycheck. I have a two-year-old son. I have expenses. I need this money. Voters who elected me gave me a right to this money....
  • Wisconsin Election Turnaround ‘Unprecedented’ Says Union

    04/09/2011 11:56:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 54 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 9 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Wisconsin union officials are calling the post-election correction of an error that converted a 200-vote deficit into a 7,000-vote lead for the conservative candidate, incumbent Justice David Prosser, for the state Supreme Court judgeship “unprecedented.” “In every other instance in which previously uncounted or miscounted votes have been brought to light it has been to the benefit of the progressive candidate,” claimed Christine Lamitina, spokeswoman for the Service Employees International Union (SEIU) of Wisconsin. “Is this election in Wisconsin going to be the exception that contradicts a well-established history?” Lamitina appealed for President Obama to “step in and right the...
  • GOP Bid to Cut Funding to Planned Parenthood Called “Anti-Constitutional”

    04/09/2011 5:29:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 35 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 9 April 2011 | John Semmens
    In explaining why Democrats are willing to shut down the federal government rather than accede to Republican demands that one of the cuts to the deficit be funding for Planned Parenthood, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid characterized the demands as “anti-Constitutional.” “I’m not saying that it rises to the level of unconstitutional,” Reid said. “But it’s pretty darn close. A woman’s right to terminate her pregnancy falls clearly within the ‘pursuit of happiness’ clause. Her right to fully enjoy her body without fear of unwanted consequences is fundamental to our way of life. I can think of no better place...
  • Political Vetting of FOIA Requests Assailed/Defended

    04/04/2011 9:20:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Representative Darrell Issa’s (R-Calif) complaint that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is injecting political bias into the process of responding to freedom of information requests was dismissed as “sour grapes” by Representative Gerald Connelly (D-Va). “Inasmuch as representative Issa himself has characterized DHS’ actions as ‘Nixonian’ I can’t see what his beef is,” Connelly argued. “Nixon was a Republican President. Now the shoe is on the other foot. So what?” “Using a political compass to guide the agency’s response to requests for public documents is unlawful,” Issa asserted. “The fact that a...
  • Senator Says Republicans Abuse Constitutional Freedoms

    03/26/2011 12:29:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 March 2011 | John Semmens
    In a speech before a gathering at Planned Parenthood, Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) asserted that Republicans who oppose a woman’s right to choose to terminate a pregnancy “don’t deserve the freedoms that are in the Constitution!” “The right to freedom of speech comes with an obligation to exercise it in a responsible manner,” Lautenberg insisted. “Using freedom of speech to advocate restrictions on a woman’s right to choose is an abuse that ought to be prohibited.” While the Senator acknowledged that “prohibiting such an abuse is currently blocked by the Constitution’s First Amendment. So, for now, we’ll have to let...
  • Illinois Governor Signs Legislation Limiting Death Penalty

    03/13/2011 7:04:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 12 March 2011 | John Semmens
    People’s Republic of Illinois Governor Pat Quinn (D) signed legislation that would restrict the imposition of the death penalty in his state to those under nine months of pre-birth age. The signing was accompanied by the commutation of the sentences of all those currently on “death row” in the state’s prisons. The Governor rejected arguments that the heinous acts committed by those sentenced to death might warrant the punishment. “The inhumanity of the death penalty has been a blot on our society for too long,” Quinn said. “We have been subjecting human beings to anxiety and terror. Being held behind...
  • No One Can Make Me Issue Drilling Permits, Says Interior Secretary

    03/07/2011 3:32:49 PM PST · by John Semmens · 50 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 5 March 2011 | John Semmens
    Despite two court findings that his Department’s refusal to issue offshore drilling permits violates the law, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar remains defiant. “If anyone wants to drill they need a permit from me,” Salazar said. “If I don’t want to issue a permit, no one can make me.” The Secretary brushed aside the court rulings as “impotent posturing.” “I see that the court says I’m in the wrong,” Salazar observed. “So what? What are they going to do, send someone to arrest me? Oh wait, the ‘arresting officers’ report to the Chief Executive, not the court. Sorry, I guess the...
  • Gaza Government Urges Boycott of Holocaust Lessons

    03/06/2011 10:12:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 5 March 2011 | John Semmens
    The Hamas dominated government of Gaza urged school children to cut classes if the subject of the Holocaust is brought up in human rights lessons. The lessons are part of a United Nations’ program aimed at increasing literacy among the 200,000 children enrolled in the UN-run schools in Gaza refugee camps. Gaza Education Minister Mahammad Ashquol complained that “the UN is overstepping its boundaries by exposing our children to this Zionist filth. It is bad enough that the much needed extermination of the Jewish pestilence was short-circuited before its completion, but its portrayal as a crime against humanity is a...
  • Islamic Shooting Not Terrorism Says White House Spokesman

    03/05/2011 10:48:21 AM PST · by John Semmens · 56 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 5 March 2011 | John Semmens
    Arid Uka’s shooting spree that killed two US Air Force members in Germany won’t be classified as an act of terror said Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. This comes despite Uka’s declaration on his Facebook page that he is “a holy warrior against unbelievers” and wants to “strike fear into the hearts of the enemies of Islam.” “The President isn’t terrified,” Carney announced. “I’m not terrified. Are you terrified? If nobody’s terrified how can it be an act of terrorism?” By refusing to classify the attack as an act of terror, the Administration keeps intact its unblemished record of “zero”...
  • Senators’ Bid to Force Governor to Accept High-Speed Rail Money Fails

    03/05/2011 6:29:01 PM PST · by John Semmens · 42 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 5 March 2011 | John Semmens
    The effort of State Senator Thad Altman (R) and Arthenia Joyner (D) to have the court compel Governor Rick Scott (R) to accept $2.4 billion in federal money for the construction of high-speed rail in the state was unanimously rejected when the Florida Supreme Court ruled that “by both federal and state law, the Governor is authorized to make this decision.” Senator Altman called the decision “devastating for the State of Florida. Perhaps the Governor is within his legal rights to reject this money, but the consequences will be felt by every person in the state. Even if the Governor...
  • President and Treasury Secretary Downplay Mid-East Strife, Hail Invention

    02/26/2011 12:13:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 24 replies · 1+ views
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 26 February 2011 | John Semmens
    President Barack Obama and US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner sought to downplay fears that unrest in the Middle East would negatively impact the US economy by hailing a Virginia man’s invention of a rainbow-making machine as a harbinger of a brighter future for America. The device is the brainchild of Michael Jones McKean, an assistant professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. It uses a large scale sprinkler system and the light of the sun to create rainbows averaging about 1,000 feet in length. Each device can produce a rainbow of 15 minute duration twice a day. A prototype is currently being...
  • Wisconsin Democrats Face Hardships as Refugees

    02/26/2011 5:14:55 PM PST · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 26 February 2011 | John Semmens
    The 14 Democratic senators who fled Wisconsin rather than vote on Republican Governor Scott Walker’s budget measure are suffering unforeseen hardship while hiding out in the People’s Republic of Illinois. “We thought we’d be feted here, what with Rahm Emanuel being the new mayor of Chicago,” said Senator Jon Erpenbach (D-Middleton). “I mean aren’t we the vanguard of the struggle against fascism? Hasn’t the President praised our strategy? Yet, we find ourselves lonely and ignored.” One of the chief gripes is “we have to pay for everything—food, shelter, entertainment, you name it—out of our own pockets,” Erpenbach complained. “And our...
  • White House Unable to Deal with Libya Due to “Scheduling Difficulties”

    02/27/2011 9:12:17 AM PST · by John Semmens · 35 replies · 1+ views
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 26 February 2011 | John Semmens
    President Obama was unable to take timely or effective measures to deal with the crisis in Libya because of “scheduling problems” according to new Press Secretary Jay Carney. “Massacres of civilians, disruption of oil deliveries, and the rescue of Americans from danger aren’t the only things on the President’s plate,” Carney huffed. “Unions are being assaulted in Wisconsin. That’s a lot closer to home than some ruckus in Asia. The President’s focus on domestic tranquility is, I think, appropriate.” As for the time the President spent coaching his daughter’s basketball team, Carney pointed out that “the regular coach couldn’t make...
  • Bar Association Executive Council Opposes State Bans on Sharia Law

    02/27/2011 2:46:33 PM PST · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 26 February 2011 | John Semmens
    Legislation aimed at barring Islamic sharia law from being used to decide cases in state courts has been introduced in 14 states, thus far this year. The American Bar Association’s Executive Council has created a “task force” to oppose this legislation by producing “talking points that can be used to dissuade legislators from taking such action.” “There are two key issues here,” said Council spokesman Arthur Swindel. “First, there is the cultural prerogative of persons to choose which laws they wish to be subject to. Islam has a long and storied history and a legal structure that has been in...
  • We Shouldn’t Fear Muslim Brotherhood, Carter Says

    02/20/2011 12:49:11 PM PST · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Former US President Jimmy Carter sought to reassure everyone that “the Muslim Brotherhood is not a group we should be afraid of. From my dealings with some of their representatives I can assure you that they are pious and devout people who only want to promulgate their faith as instructed by their holy book—the Quran.” That the Quran commands Muslims to offer nonbelievers the options of conversion, second-class citizenship, or death didn’t faze the ex-president. “Each faith has its own path,” Carter instructed. “The Muslim obligation to make war for Islam and the Christian belief in ‘turning the other cheek’...
  • Obama Administration Won’t Cooperate with Congressional Inquiries

    02/19/2011 1:23:41 PM PST · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    A request by Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif), Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, for testimony on the President’s “stimulus package” was rejected by the White House. At issue was the so-called Romer-Bernstein report (authored by Jared Bernstein, Vice President Joe Biden’s top economic adviser, and Christina Romer, the former head of the White House Council of Economic Advisors). The report portrays the stimulus package as a great success. The White House has cleared Romer and Bernstein to appear on television to discuss it. “If they can go on TV why can’t they testify in Congress?” asked...
  • Rumpelstiltskin Covenant Inadvertently Disclosed

    02/13/2011 11:15:45 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies · 2+ views
    Vice-President Joe Biden’s recent exclamation that “the Chinese will own our children if we don’t build high-speed rail” was considered by many to be just another example of his patented incoherent babbling. However, belated scrutiny of the terms and conditions attached to the Chinese Government’s purchase of US Treasury debt has shed a new light on his remarks. An unadvertised rider to the debt purchased by China requires the US Government to purchase hundreds of billions of dollars in high-speed rail equipment and supplies from China over the next ten years. Failure to do so would activate the so-called “Rumpelstiltskin...
  • University Study Finds Conservatives More Outrageous than Liberals

    02/13/2011 2:13:18 PM PST · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    A study of political “vitriol” conducted by Tufts University Assistant Professor of Sociology Sarah Sobieraj and Professor of Political Science Jeffrey Berry found that political talk has become nastier over the years on both ends of the political spectrum. However, in the judgment of the researchers, those on the right have gone further over the line of civil discourse than those on the left. “Using mainstream thinking as our baseline, it is clear that conservative commentators go beyond the accepted norms both more frequently and to a greater distance than liberal commentators,” Sobieraj said. “Take, for example, the assertion by...
  • Obama Administration Rebuffs Opposition by Court and Congress

    02/12/2011 5:25:59 PM PST · by John Semmens · 19 replies · 1+ views
    The Obama Administration is standing its ground in enforcing what it terms “the people’s mandate” despite opposition from two other branches of government. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius brushed aside Federal Judge Roger Vinson’s decision that the President’s health care law is unconstitutional. “The nation’s health is too important an objective to be turned aside by the opinion of a single judge,” Sebelius asserted. “Voters elected the President who proposed this law and the Congress that enacted it. This mandate takes precedence over the views of the unelected branch of our government. So, until we hear otherwise...
  • Obama Care and the Debt Ceiling

    02/09/2011 8:43:48 PM PST · by Involuntary Servitude · 3 replies · 1+ views
    My Involuntary Servitude ^ | February 9, 2011 | My Involuntary Servitude
    With my first post, I want to talk about the issue that inspired me to start this blog. Very soon, Congress will have to vote to raise the federal government's statutory debt limit. The limit is currently at $14.3 trillion. At the end of 2010, the Republicans retook control of the U.S. House, in a sea change election based in large part on public disgust with the ballooning size of the federal government, with the bail outs, with the "stimulus", and with one piece of legislation in particular: The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, aka ObamaCare. But the anti-Obama...
  • Connecticut Birth Certificate Bill Assailed

    02/07/2011 11:35:46 AM PST · by John Semmens · 39 replies
    A bill introduced by Connecticut State Senator Michael McLachlan (R-Danbury) to require candidates for public office to provide genuine birth certificates before their names can be placed on the ballot was assailed by leading Democrats as “unwarranted” and “an insult to the President of the Untied States.” “The argument that this is just an extension of existing laws that require a person to show a birth certificate to obtain a driver’s license or attend a public school is bogus,” said Danbury Democratic Town Committee chairman Lynn Taborsak. “Making laws to determine the eligibility of ordinary people to do things like...