Keyword: wasteoftime

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Newt Gingrich : 2014-10-04 : 11 GOP Principles for America

    10/04/2014 9:23:45 AM PDT · by Patton@Bastogne · 39 replies
    Newt Gingrich ^ | 2014-10-04 | Newt Gingrich
    . October 4, 2014 Newt Gingrich : 11 GOP Principles for America ===================================================== Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus gave a very good speech yesterday focused on 11 principles for American renewal. They are eleven positive statements about what Republicans believe we must do about the challenges confronting America. Take a look at his list of Republican principles below. How many do you agree with? 1. Our Constitution should be preserved, valued and honored.2. We need to start growing America’s economy instead of Washington’s economy so that working Americans see better wages and more opportunity. 3. We need to pass a...
  • Gil Harrington tells @HenryGraff a forensic link has been made between #JesseMatthew and Morgan.

    09/29/2014 9:19:08 AM PDT · by fatima · 56 replies
    NBC29 ‏@NBC29 23m | NBC29
    NBC29 ‏@NBC29 23m BREAKING: Gil Harrington tells @HenryGraff a forensic link has been made between #JesseMatthew and Morgan.
  • President Obama Checks Stonehenge Off His Bucket List

    09/06/2014 10:56:27 AM PDT · by Steelfish · 55 replies
    ABCNews ^ | Sep 5, 2014 2:59pm | Ann Compton
    President Obama Checks Stonehenge Off His Bucket List By Ann Compton Sep 5, 2014 After a grueling week of foreign policy crises that must have often seemed like trying to push boulders up a mountain, President Obama took a surprise detour on the way home. Marine One flew him halfway across England so he could walk amid the mysterious and awe-inspiring boulders of Stonehenge. “Spectacular” he kept saying. The president walked alone amid the towering slabs at sunset, humbled. “How cool is this?” he asked.
  • Amnesty International Takes ‘Unprecedented’ Step in Sending Delegation to Ferguson

    08/18/2014 6:22:52 PM PDT · by markomalley · 49 replies
    KMOX ^ | 8/18/2014
    Human rights group Amnesty International has taken “unprecedented” action to deal with unrest in Ferguson by sending a delegation that has never before been deployed inside the United States.The organization has had members on the ground in Ferguson since Thursday, in the wake of the fatal shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown by a Ferguson police officer. According to a news release, the 12-person delegation is there to “observe police and protester activity, gather testimony, seek meetings with officials and offer support to the community.”Organizers will also train local activists on methods of non-violent protest.“Law enforcement, from the FBI to state...
  • You’ll Never Guess Why Liberals Are Attacking This Business!

    07/30/2014 10:41:26 PM PDT · by Impala64ssa
    Politi Chicks ^ | 7/30/14 | Michele Holt
    We’ve been witnessing attacks against conservatives and their principles for quite some time so this recent example really should be of no surprise. Just this week on Twitter, liberal artist Cher went on her predictable tirade against Senator Rand Paul suggesting he was against civil rights for minorities. Of course she was lying and twisting her interpretation of what Sen. Paul’s stance is on the matter, but is that not what liberals in Hollywood and media are known for? Morris Communications is a multi-media conglomerate that seems to have been a recent target of liberal website Gawker as well as...
  • President Obama Hosting Concussions Summit At White House

    05/29/2014 8:25:49 AM PDT · by SoFloFreeper · 51 replies
    CBS NEW YORK ^ | 5/29/14
    ...on Thursday, Obama is hosting a summit with representatives of professional sports leagues, coaches, parents, young athletes, researchers and others to call attention to the issue of youth sports concussions....
  • 'They're Starting To Seriously Worry': Concern Growing About Low Turnout At Obama Inauguration

    01/06/2013 3:35:37 PM PST · by drewh · 120 replies
    UK Daily Mail ^ | 12:34 EST, 6 January 2013 | By Daily Mail Reporter and Associated Press
    Hotel rooms remain unbooked ahead of January 21 inauguration ceremony Organizers expecting much lower turnout than 2009 ceremony, when nearly 2 million people flocked to the National Mall Crowds may have flocked to the National Mall to see President Obama make history in 2009, but the team behind the president's 2013 inauguration bash later this month are bracing themselves for a ton of empty seats. The ceremony that Washington will stage in a few weeks won't be the historic affair it was in 2009, when nearly 2 million people flocked to the Capitol to watch Obama take the oath of...
  • President Obama To Receive Honorary Green Beret, Induction Into Special Forces Association

    08/30/2012 11:06:49 PM PDT · by Daffynition · 85 replies
    Theduffleblog.com ^ | August 30, 2012 | unknown
    Fort Bragg, NC – The White House Press Office announced today that President Obama will soon be inducted into the Special Forces Association and receive an honorary Green Beret. Officials have said the honor will be bestowed in an upcoming September 11th ceremony at Fort Bragg. The honorary beret comes in recognition of the President’s decisive role in covert operations throughout the world during his term — including the killing of Osama bin Laden last year in Pakistan, and his combat action in Afghanistan months ago.
  • States with Highest Unemployment Likely to Vote for Obama

    08/13/2012 10:07:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Aug 2012 | John Semmens
    Polling data shows that voters in the states with the most unemployment are leaning toward Obama. States with the lowest unemployment are leaning toward Romney. “These results only seem counter intuitive if you’re one of those who’s bought the GOP line that everyone wants to work,” Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod chortled. “I don’t know anyone who’s happy about getting out of bed and going to work everyday. The notion that this is something a person ought to do is pure propaganda. It might suit the corporate exploiters who hope to get cheap labor, but it doesn’t speak to the...
  • Massacre Spawns Demands for Gun Control

    07/30/2012 8:41:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 July 2012 | John Semmens
    The massacre of a dozen movie-goers in Colorado has sparked another spate of liberal demands for gun control. University of Colorado Professor Chad Kautzer has launched an online petition aimed at banning “concealed carry laws.” While acknowledging that such a ban might not have stopped James Holmes from shooting 70 people in an Aurora, Colorado movie theater, Kautzer insisted that “the ability to add an illegal possession of a firearm charge to the list of offenses for which he will be prosecuted would have a deterrent effect.” In New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg suggested that police should go on...
  • Mainstream Media Accepts Government’s Right to Censor News

    07/28/2012 2:07:36 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 July 2012 | John Semmens
    A recent New York Times article admitted that it, along with other major “news” outlets, allows the White House to censor what it publishes. The basic protocol is for the media to submit a draft of a proposed piece to the White House for review prior to publication. The White House then edits the piece and returns it. “It can be irksome at times,” Times reporter Jeremy Peters admitted. “But what choice do we have? If we don’t cooperate we’ll be cut off from access. And for what? It’s not as if we aren’t 100% behind the Administration on virtually...
  • Mayors Play Chicken with First Amendment Rights

    07/28/2012 11:20:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 July 2012 | John Semmens
    Though it would seem that Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy's opinion that marriage is an institution between one man and one woman is protected by the Constitution's First Amendment, mayors in three cities have vowed to punish this heresy. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he “will do everything in my power to prevent such a vile establishment from setting up shop in my city. Mr. Cathy's values are not Chicago's values.” In addition to Cathy's views on marriage, Emanuel also found the restaurant's policy of closing on Sunday's problematic, calling it “an unacceptable 'holier than thou attitude.' People need to eat...
  • Poll May Lead to Campaign Strategy Shift

    07/14/2012 1:34:39 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 July 2012 | John Semmens
    A recent National Geographic poll showing that Americans think President Obama would do better against an invasion from outer space than rival Mitt Romney has Obama campaign strategists thinking. “When you think about it, isn't protecting the planet from being conquered by space monsters the most important thing that any person could do?” mused Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod. “And can there be any doubt that the President would easily outshine anyone else on such a task? After all, remember, he's the one who killed bin-Laden. On the other hand, there's no evidence that Romney has ever killed anyone.” Axelrod...
  • Study Says Reverence for Liberty Sign of Terrorism

    07/08/2012 4:20:01 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 78 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 July 2012 | John Semmens
    A University of Maryland study funded by the Department of Homeland Security found that “persons reverent about individual liberty are likely to be right-wing terrorists.” “It makes perfect sense when you think about it,” said Secretary Janet Napolitano. “The phrase ‘individual liberty’ doesn’t appear in any of our nation’s founding documents. Its advocates are clearly and suspiciously out of step with America’s basic values.” if you missed any of this week's other semi-news posts you can find them at... http://constitutionclub.org/2012/07/07/semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-26/
  • Requiring Congress to Read Bills Before Passing Them Proposed

    07/07/2012 11:58:09 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 July 2012 | John Semmens
    Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken) has proposed that members of Congress be given a reasonable amount of time to read bills before they are asked to vote on passing them. This proposal was denounced by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) as “an unnecessary impediment to action.” “I find it appalling that Republicans in this body are repeatedly trying to throw up roadblocks to progress,” Reid complained. “The notion that senators must read bills before they vote to make them into laws is fallacious. We have a staff that reads these bills for us. There is no need for us to...
  • Administration Shrugs Off Negative Jobs Report

    07/06/2012 10:45:16 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 July 2012 | John Semmens
    The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that the official unemployment rate remained above 8% for the 41st straight month. The picture for Black unemployment was even more discouraging bumping up in June to over 14% for all ages and to over 39% for those aged 16-19. The White House cautioned that voters should not place too much reliance on any one monthly report, but should look at the longer term trend. “A narrow focus on jobs misses the bigger picture,” Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers Alan Krueger said in a written statement. “Over the last three years more...
  • Feds Cancel Cooperation with States on Immigration Enforcement

    07/01/2012 2:17:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 June 2012 | John Semmens
    The Department of Homeland Security has unilaterally revoked an agreement with Arizona and refused to initiate one with Virginia to cooperate in enforcing the country’s immigration laws. “We were never very enthusiastic about these agreements,” Secretary Janet Napolitano admitted. “Communicating the Administration’s nuanced policy to the local governments has always been a problem. At the same time, we felt it was important to convey an impression that we could work together. After all, the President was telling everyone that he had no choice under existing law.” “Now the situation has completely changed,” Napolitano boasted. “The President’s Executive Order has wiped...
  • Press Secretary Says Contention that Obamacare Is Tax “Idiotic”

    06/30/2012 12:11:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 56 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 June 2012 | John Semmens
    Press Secretary Jay Carney sought to get out ahead of the GOP's campaign rhetoric alleging that Obamacare is a huge tax imposed on the middle class. “There's no way this is a tax,” Carney insisted. “The President doesn't call it a tax. The legislation doesn't say it's a tax. Calling it a tax is idiotic. The President has made it quite clear that the $2,000 a person has to pay for refusing to buy health insurance is a punishment for disobedience, not a tax.” The fact that the Supreme Court decision upholding Obamacare was founded on Chief Justice John Roberts'...
  • Woman’s Garden Destroyed by City

    06/26/2012 11:07:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 June 2012 | John Semmens
    Tulsa, Oklahoma City officials destroyed resident Denise Morrison’s “survival garden” because “this abnormal use of her property was causing anxiety in the neighborhood.” Morrison started the garden after she lost her job. The garden consisted of food and medicinal plants. Before embarking on her agricultural venture, Morrison researched City ordinances to ensure she complied. “Lack of compliance was not the issue,” said City Zoning Director, Leroy Fiat. “The fact that there are no official rules against what she did doesn’t matter. No one else in the city does this.” As for her nutritional and medical needs, Fiat advised that “there...
  • Chicago Mayor Undeterred by Court Ruling on Guns

    06/25/2012 12:04:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 June 2012 | John Semmens
    Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says a federal court’s overturning of a city firearms ordinance “won’t stop us from carrying out our over all crime strategy.” “The problem from our perspective is that too many people have access to guns,” Emanuel asserted. “We won’t have law and order until everyone except the police is disarmed. The City must have a monopoly on the use of deadly force. Only then will the balance of terror be sufficiently one-sided to ensure peace.” As for the court’s ruling, Emanuel suggested that “the court may take whatever position it likes in the courtroom. But we...
  • Pelosi Urges President to Raise Debt Ceiling

    06/25/2012 8:53:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 June 2012 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged President Obama to follow up his unilateral grant of amnesty to illegal aliens with a unilateral increase in the nation’s debt ceiling. “Failing to enact immigration reform isn’t the only thing Congress has failed at,” Pelosi observed. “The Senate has failed to pass a budget since 2009. And while Congress was barely able to scrape together the votes to increase the debt ceiling last year I wouldn’t want to bet we can do it again.” “Enacting legislation when Congress fails to do so is a power reserved to the President under the ‘necessary...
  • Obama Biographer Says Book Is Being Misused by the Right

    06/23/2012 2:30:16 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 June 2012 | John Semmens
    Barack Obama biographer David Maraniss says right-wing political opportunists are misusing his book. The book in question is Barack Obama: The Story. In this book, Maraniss cited dozens of instances in which Obama’s autobiography—Dreams from My Father—presented a false picture of the President’s early life. “First of all, the idea that these people would bother to read my book is a bit of a stunner for me,” Maraniss admitted. “I mean, I’m for Obama all the way. I can’t fathom why anybody on the right would read me.” “Second, they’re being completely unfair to the President,” Maraniss complained. “He wrote...
  • Congressional Candidate Praises Abortion

    06/17/2012 2:52:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 June 2012 | John Semmens
    Darcy Burner, a Democratic candidate for the House of Representatives in the state of Washington, told an audience at the Netroots Nation convention in Providence Rhode Island that women who have had abortions deserve our thanks. “We all know that humans are destroying this planet,” Burner contended. “We need to single out those who are taking action to stave off this destruction. No action is more heroic than that of a woman who sacrifices her own child to help us move closer to the day when humans become extinct.” In order to help the heroes in the audience gain the...
  • Attorney General Explains “Fast & Furious” Memos

    06/10/2012 11:18:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 June 2012 | John Semmens
    Attorney General Eric Holder rejected contentions that internal Department of Justice memos in which the phrase “Fast and Furious” appears mean that the Mexican gun-running scandal was known to Department of Justice (DOJ) higher-ups at an early date. The phrase, Holder insisted referred to the movie series. “Everyone at the DOJ is a big fan of the ‘Fast and Furious’ movies,” Holder said in a House Judiciary Committee hearing this past week. “The fast cars, the sexy babes, the wonton violence—are hypnotic in their effects on me and my staff. Vin Diesel’s screen presence is just awesome. So, it’s only...
  • First Lady Denies Photo ID Hypocrisy

    06/10/2012 2:54:11 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 June 2012 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration may be going all-out to prevent states from requiring photo IDs from those voting, but Michelle Obama is fine with imposing a photo ID requirement on those attending her book signings. Those wishing to attend book-signing events featuring the First Lady must buy her book—American Grown: The Story of the White House Kitchen Garden and Gardens Across America—and present a valid photo ID. “There’s no hypocrisy,” Press Secretary Jay Carney maintained. “Comparing voting and visiting with the First Lady is like comparing apples and oranges. Voting is a right that may not be infringed. Meeting the First...
  • President’s “My Sons” Reference Explained

    05/28/2012 10:10:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2012 | John Semmens
    President Obama’s campaign speech defending his healthcare policy on the grounds that “my daughters should have the same economic opportunities as my sons” has puzzled observers. Only two daughters (Malia and Sasha) have been explicitly acknowledged by the President. Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that while “it is obvious that the President and First Lady have only the two daughters currently living with them in the White House, critics shouldn’t be jumping to the conclusion that he misspoke. Statistics show that the average urban Black male fathers 3.2 children out-of-wedlock. Earlier in his life, the President was a member of...
  • President Blames Deficit on “Greedy Taxpayers”

    05/27/2012 12:41:57 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2012 | John Semmens
    Despite running up federal deficits at a faster pace than any previous president, Obama says he is not at fault. “Deficits aren’t the result of spending alone,” the President pointed out. “Deficits occur when there is a gap between spending and revenue. If you look at the trends for both you will see that it is the revenue line that has flattened while the spending line has remained pretty much on track with prior periods.” Of course revenues aren’t keeping up because taxpayer earnings aren’t keeping up. Business profits are down. Employees have been thrown out of work. The base...
  • Racism Said to Be Reason for Anti-Obama Vote in Dem Primaries

    05/25/2012 10:04:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 40 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 May 2012 | John Semmens
    The Democratic presidential primaries in West Virginia, Arkansas, and Kentucky were all won by President Obama. Still, approximately 40% of the votes went for, respectively, an incarcerated felon, a virtual unknown, and “uncommitted.” Similar less than dominant outcomes in a few of the 1968 primaries inspired incumbent President Lyndon Johnson to withdraw from the race. No Obama withdrawal is anticipated. Campaign adviser David Axelrod attributed the showing to “residual racism. To those who are stunned by this—after all these were Democratic primaries—I suggest they take a look at history. The three states we are talking about are all in the...
  • Police Report Blames Zimmerman

    05/20/2012 2:11:33 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 May 2012 | John Semmens
    A new report from the Sanford, Florida Police Department holds George Zimmerman totally responsible for the incident that resulted in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin last February. Evidence that Martin had severely beaten Zimmerman before he was shot was discounted by the report. “The fact is, if Zimmerman had stayed home that day the confrontation would never have occurred,” the report said. “The black eyes, broken nose, and lacerated scalp he suffered would not have happened if he hadn’t ventured out into the streets and exposed himself to risk.” That Zimmerman had taken on this risk willingly by volunteering...
  • Democrats Make Gay Marriage a Major Political Issue

    05/12/2012 11:11:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    President Obama announced that his thinking has evolved to the point where he now supports the idea that persons of the same sex are entitled to marry one another. “Look, Jesus spent his career in the company of men,” Obama pointed out. “He never married. I think we have a pretty good indication that it was only the prejudice of the religious and secular authorities that prevented him hooking up with one of the Apostles—perhaps the mysterious ‘beloved apostle.’ I say it’s time that prejudice and repression of gays come to an end.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said...
  • Kagan Confident Violation Won’t Get Her in Trouble

    03/30/2012 9:44:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 76 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan brushed off accusations that her participation in the Court’s hearing on Obamacare violates the law. Section 455(b)(3) of Title 28 of the U.S. Code requires judges to disqualify themselves from hearing cases when they have “served in governmental employment and in such capacity participated as counsel, adviser, or material witness concerning the proceeding or expressed an opinion concerning the merits of the particular case or controversy.” As Solicitor General, Kagan served in such a role. “The most important job for a judge is to mete out justice,” Kagan asserted. “Mere parchment—whether it be a Constitution...
  • Pelosi Predicts Court Will Find Obamacare Constitutional

    03/24/2012 2:25:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 26 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) confidently predicted that the US Supreme Court will rule that the President’s health care law is Constitutional. “The proof is right there in the Constitution itself where it promises that the government will provide for the people’s rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness,” Pelosi said. “By making sure everyone buys health insurance the law is protecting their lives. By requiring that employers cover birth control costs the law is liberating people from the risks of unwanted pregnancies. And as for pursuit of happiness—isn’t that what those who need birth control are doing?”...
  • Executive Order Authorizing Martial Law Called “Routine”

    03/25/2012 2:50:07 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies · 3+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Last weekend’s issuance of an Executive Order giving the President the option of declaring an emergency and taking control over all food, energy, water, transportation and any other materials was described as “routine” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The President has obligations to the American people,” Carney observed. “He would like the cooperation of Congress in his efforts to fulfill these obligations. But as we have seen, there are many in Congress who have labored to obstruct these efforts. The President needs to have latitude to act.” “It would be best for members of Congress to consider this Executive...
  • Healthcare Mandate Decision Final Says White House

    03/18/2012 11:04:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Press Secretary Jay Carney advised those critical of the Administration’s decision to make insurers cover birth control devices and drugs to “give it a rest.” “Look, the President is sorry that some consider this action to be insensitive to their personal or religious beliefs,” Carney said. “But they certainly cannot expect him to subjugate his policy aims to these beliefs.” Carney suggested that critics “may want to reexamine the issue. Does the Bible explicitly prohibit birth control, or for that matter, abortion? I don’t recall ever having read that Jesus gave any commandments on these matters. I think His wish...
  • President Calls Oil “Fuel of the Past”

    03/11/2012 2:32:58 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    President Obama begged voters to back his vision of an oil-free future for America. “There will come a day when we will wean ourselves from this fuel of the past,” Obama proclaimed. “Reliance on oil-based fuels has lulled us into lives of gluttony and waste. We have gotten soft because we drive when we should walk. We have gotten lazy because it’s easier to turn up the thermostat than to put on a sweater.” “There are environmentally-friendly ways for us to live,” the president continued. “I see a future when mighty vessels powered by the wind carry goods and people...
  • Women’s Rights May Be Sacrificed for Peace in Afghanistan

    03/10/2012 2:10:42 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Afghan President Hamid Karzai says that “it may be necessary for us to roll back the freedoms and privileges we extended to women if we want to persuade the Taliban to come to terms with us.” Karzai characterized the freedoms granted to women over the last decade as “an experiment that is not working. Allowing women to go out in public uncovered and unaccompanied is a Western imposition that is out of step with our fundamental traditions. We will never have peace if we attempt to persist with such offensive alien ideas. Bringing women back under the discipline of sharia...
  • Investigation of Obama’s Credentials Called Racist

    03/04/2012 11:20:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s six-month long investigation into the authenticity of President Obama’s birth certificate recently concluded with a finding of “probable cause” to believe this document is a forgery. Arpaio said that “forensics experts were able to determine that the birth certificate released by the White House was a computer-generated collage, not a genuine copy of an actual document. The President may or may not have been born in Hawaii. The documents he has provided to-date do not serve as proof that he is eligible for the office he now holds.” While declining to address any of Arpaio’s...
  • Congresswoman Looking into Broader Health Mandate

    03/03/2012 12:29:29 PM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies · 1+ views
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 March 2012 | John Semmens
    Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says the furor over the President’s declaration that all insurers must offer birth control coverage free-of-charge is “helping highlight a broader divide between those who really care about the welfare of people and those who don’t.” “Look, 90% of Catholic women use birth control,” Pelosi maintained. “This is a huge majority. In our form of government the majority rules. The President’s executive order requiring insurers to cover the cost of birth control meets the needs of this majority. Those who oppose this are placing the rights of the 10% minority ahead of the rights...
  • White House Refuses to Comply with Another Subpoena

    02/26/2012 10:43:19 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Feb 2012 | John Semmens
    Citing what it called a key precedent recently established by a Georgia case, the Obama Administration declined to submit documents subpoenaed by the House Energy and Commerce Committee investigating the loss of over $500 million of taxpayers’ money on the Administration’s Solyndra loan guarantee. “If you will recall,” Press Secretary Jay Carney told Committee Chairman Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich), “the Administration’s refusal to provide documents or even to appear in answer to a subpoena was upheld by Judge Milihi’s decision in the President’s favor.” “It’s a separation of powers issue,” Carney explained. “The president was independently elected by the American...
  • “Taxes Are what You Pay for the Privilege of Being an American” Says Geithner

    02/26/2012 1:05:13 PM PST · by John Semmens · 47 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Feb 2012 | John Semmens
    US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner advised taxpayers to “quit complaining, taxes are what you pay for the privilege of being an American.” “You know, there are places in the world where the government can take everything you have,” Geithner observed. “The fact that you get to keep anything here ought to inspire a greater appreciation for your own government’s forbearance.” The Secretary warned those he called the “one-percenters,” that “government is the only thing preventing the other 99% from murdering you and looting your property. The protection we offer ought to be worth whatever it costs. Quibbling over the price...
  • Capitol Police Arrest Pro-Life Demonstrators Near White House

    02/18/2012 2:22:50 PM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Feb 2012 | John Semmens
    Six pro-life demonstrators were arrested for holding a prayer vigil on the sidewalk outside the White House earlier this week. All were released after paying a ransom of $100 apiece. One of the arrestees, Fr. Denis Wilde, the Associate Director of Priests for Life, pointed out the disparities between how his small protest was handled when compared to the police response to the Occupy Wall Street protest. “Occupy Wall Street protesters have been occupying federal property for months, but when we kneel in prayer, the police are called in and we are arrested,” Father Wilde complained. Spokesman for the Capitol...
  • Appeals Court Blocks California Ban on Same-Sex “Marriage”

    02/12/2012 5:28:46 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2012 | John Semmens
    The 9th Circuit Federal Appeals Court upheld District Court Judge Vaughn Walker’s overturning of the voter-approved amendment (Proposition 8) banning the state’s recognition of same-sex “marriage.” “Voters have no right to amend their state’s constitution in ways that contradict clearly established federal policies,” the Court wrote in its decision. “To allow such ‘willy-nilly’ revisions on a state-by-state basis would lead to a patchwork of divergent laws across the nation. Things that are permitted in some states might be disallowed in others. Uniformity and equality of rights throughout the 50 states would be sacrificed to a misguided notion of state and...
  • Obama Strives to Overcome “Checks-and-Balances” Impediments to Change

    02/11/2012 12:22:30 PM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Feb 2012 | John Semmens
    President Barack Obama tried to console frustrated supporters by placing blame for the slow pace of change on the nation’s “founding fathers.” “You and I know what needs to be done to bring social justice to every American,” the President observed. “But our enemies in Congress and the states are exploiting loopholes left in the Constitution by our nation’s early leaders. The requirement that laws must be approved by both houses of Congress enables obstructionists to block the mandate I received from voters in 2008. The autonomy granted the states under the Tenth Amendment insulates them from total compliance with...
  • Komen Foundation Will Continue to Fund Planned Parenthood

    02/04/2012 11:48:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Feb 2012 | John Semmens
    Under pressure from leading abortion advocates, the Komen Foundation for the Cure of Breast Cancer reversed an earlier decision to discontinue its annual grant to Planned Parenthood. “It has been pointed out to us that our decision to cease funding Planned Parenthood was based on some miscalculations,” said Komen CEO Nancy Brinker. “First, many of those who have supported our efforts to fight breast cancer are ardent about the work of Planned Parenthood. Our decision to end funding for that organization was taken as an insult and could have longer term negative impacts on our main mission.” “Second, every abortion...
  • President to Give Advanced Missile Technology to Russians

    01/22/2012 11:00:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Jan 2012 | John Semmens
    Saying that he didn’t want members of Congress to take his decision not to follow their advice personally, President Obama, nonetheless went ahead and initiated the transfer of sensitive missile technology information to the Russian government. “I know that there are those who disagree with me on this,” the President acknowledged. “But I have to do what I think is right. That’s why the American people elected me. I can’t let them down.” What the president referred to as “advice” came in the form of a law prohibiting the sharing of this missile technology with any foreign government. Though President...
  • Feds Sanction Arizona Sheriff

    12/17/2011 1:18:02 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was sternly rebuked by the US Justice Department for allowing ethnic bias to influence his efforts to crack down on illegal immigrants from Mexico. “Instead of using our preferred methods for randomizing the enforcement presence, Arpaio has consistently focused his attention on persons of obvious Mexican heritage,” Assistant US Attorney General Thomas Perez charged. “His methods are completely ineffective against illegal entry by persons from Europe or Asia—leaving both Arizona and the nation vulnerable to incursions from these sources.” Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced that her Department would join with the Department of Justice...
  • Drunken Idiot Congressman Fires Disloyal Staffers

    12/10/2011 10:35:25 AM PST · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Representative Rick Larsen (D-Wash) dismissed three legislative aides after learning that they had “tweeted” tales of his on-the-job drunkenness, goofing off, and idiocy. “It’s a simple question of loyalty,” Larsen explained. “Anybody on my payroll is paid to make me look good, to help me be reelected, to serve my needs. If they can’t do that I don’t want them.” Larsen declined to address whether there was any truth to the tweets. “As Pontius Pilate once asked, ‘what is truth?’” Larsen recalled. “The perspectives of these ‘wet-behind-the-ears’ novices cannot be taken seriously. I’ve been in Congress for over a decade....
  • Bill Authorizes Martial Law for America

    12/05/2011 10:55:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 27 replies · 3+ views
    A recently passed Senate Bill—the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA)—grants broad new authority to the Department of Defense (DOD) to arrest and detain civilians who are suspected of being enemies of the state. In any area that the DOD declares to be a “zone of conflict” it would be empowered to apprehend and imprison suspected enemies “for the duration of the conflict.” The Bill explicitly repeals the 1878 Posse Comitatus ban on the use of US troops against civilians within the borders of the United States. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta called the expanded authority “absolutely necessary tools for defeating those...
  • Sluggish Economy Blamed on Lazy Americans

    11/18/2011 9:23:31 PM PST · by John Semmens · 44 replies
    In his continuing quest to find the “real killers” of America’s prosperity, President Obama is now testing out the idea that laziness lies at the root of the prolonged recession we’re in. “Look, we in government have been going all out trying to get the economy moving,” the president told an audience of campaign supporters. “In the last two years the federal government has spent more than it ever has before. We’ve generously handed out money left and right. We’ve added new guidelines and procedures to virtually every segment of industry in an effort to direct businesses toward a more...
  • Poll Shows New Yorkers Disappointed in Obama

    08/22/2011 6:53:20 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 20 August 2011 | John Semmens
    A poll of New York voters conducted by Siena College found that only 36% approve of President Obama’s job performance. This is a decline from last May’s 53% approval rating. A comment from a Manhattan poll respondent cited the president’s “lack of focus.” “He keeps talking about creating jobs,” the respondent complained. “We don’t want wage slavery. We need to get paid. That’s why we elected him. What I want to know is where are our checks?” Despite their disappointment with the President, New York voters still prefer him to any possible Republican contender. The poll shows that even former...