Dog Gone
Since Mar 26, 1998

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Dog Gone -- The Wonder Years

A native Californian, I was raised in a family that expected success. Lacking the bulk necessary to achieve athletic status as a superstar, my parents forced me into cheerleading. I tried to tell them that I was a guy, but they wouldn't listen.

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The girl of my dreams

I had to take matters into my own hands. After finishing graduate school in California, I tried to escape the influence of my family by moving to Texas and searching for one of the fabled beauties there in the Lone Star State.

Suspicious official NASA photo

As a hobby, I began studying the photos of the moon landings at the official library at NASA. It was the shadow evidence that made me wonder whether these photos were real or perhaps diabolically clever fakes. You be the judge.

My mom

I reluctantly returned to my parents' home in California one Thanksgiving and my mom grabbed me by the earlobe after the pumpkin pie.

"Dog Gone," she said, "Even though my face is stuck this way, I still know what's best for you. Give up cheerleading. Give up trying to expose NASA. Give up on the girl of your dreams."

"Become a Republican. Go to work for an oil company. Pave the Planet."

"And marry a waitress who knows a mean chicken-fried steak when she sees one."


So, I did.

I moved to Tom DeLay's congressional district, joined Free Republic, abandoned the cute cheerleader outfit, and the rest is history.