Since Feb 13, 2001

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My Struggle

I wrote a philosophical paper while in the Army’s Fort Leavenworth Prison. In it I said that I didn’t know whether God existed; in fact, I was uncertain about almost everything. I said that whatever I witnessed with my senses was untrustworthy so no miracle or vision from God could convince me of Him.

In the paper I made this statement:

“The only way I can believe in God is if I can be aware of Him in the same way as I am aware of myself”

Yet the Bible says:

“Without faith it’s impossible to please God”

I could have no faith, I had painted myself into a philosophical corner.

After some years, God revealed Himself to me such that I WAS aware of Him in the same way I was aware of myself.

Now I’m reminded of the doubting disciple, Thomas, saying similar words. When he heard the other disciples report that Jesus was risen, Thomas said:

"Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe."

But when Jesus appeared again to His disciples and Thomas was with them, Jesus singled Thomas out and said:

“Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into My side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing.”

Thomas responds:

“My Lord and My God!”

Thomas’ outburst here lets me know that he was humbled to realize that the God of the Universe was acquiescing to the demands he made before he would believe.

Jesus also said to him:

“Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

I said that I wasn’t going to believe too. That God would have to do a special trick to convince ME. In a world full of people with faith, I had none. There were others who trusted God without knowing Him. They were better than me. Yet my Lord and my God came for me. To save me! To save me from my intellectual arrogance and pride!

Thank you Jesus for acquiescing to MY demand for belief in You! Jesus said:

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me”

Mere belief in someone’s existence doesn’t guarantee a relationship. If you’ve never trusted Him, then open the door. He lovingly had you in mind even before you were in your mother's womb.   

Be better than me. Love Him back.

For the full story of how a hyper-rational person can become a Bible believing Christian, goto My Story