Since Dec 8, 2000

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Proud to be located in OutState Nebraska.

Background: Why Worry About the Next User?

Hearing a disturbance, the master programmer went into a novice's cubicle. "*$%^#@..Curse these personal computers!" cried the novice in anger. "To make them do anything I must use three or four editing programs. Sometimes I get so confused that I erase entire files. This is truly intolerable ~!@#$%&*_>* "

The master programmer starred at the novice. "And what would you do to remedy this state of affairs?" he asked. The novice thought for a moment, "I will design a new editing program," he said, "a program that will replace all these others."

Suddenly the master struck the novice on the side of his head. It was not a heavy blow, but the novice was nonetheless surprised. "What did you do that for?" exclaimed the novice.

"I have no wish to learn another editing program," said the master. And suddenly the novice was enlightened.

Why do the best looking girls
   Have real ugly friends?
   It seems like it always works like.. that

You will meet a queen,
   The girl of your dreams,
   And she will have a friend that's really fat!

So you decide to take a chance
   This could be a real romance...
   If only you could get rid of her

She's my cousin from the east
   And I know she is a beast!

And I don't think this is going to work

So you take them both out
   While you try to figure out
   How can I dump the pig?

You spend thirty bucks
   And things are looking up
   She said that she wants to make it big!

The problem is this
   Everytime you hug and kiss
   Her friends says she 'Wants to go home'

And you want her to
   But you don't know what to do

And that why it's time for this song

I'm so hot I could smother,
   Cause they both went home to mother

Does this only happen to me?

I like monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they are normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into the third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.