Posted on 03/23/2019 1:24:14 AM PDT by John Semmens
The growing roster of Democrats vying for the Party's 2020 presidential nomination has led to a desperate search for winning issues. Among the ideas being market tested are Andrew Yang's proposal to establish a "Legion of Builders and Destroyers" who will don capes and masks and embark on a quest to restore the foreskins of males who have been circumcised. "The mutilation has gone on for far too long," he says.
Former Texas Rep. Beto O'Rourke has cited his balanced experience of being both a lawbreaker and a lawmaker as "a more well-rounded resume than anyone else in the race. Being arrested for burglary and DUI has given me insight that my rivals can't match. I am primed to pioneer a new era of amnesty that will eliminate the scourge of incarceration for all except the worst offenders, most of whom are either Republicans or Trump associates, or both."
Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) challenged O'Rourke's claim of a uniquely balanced perspective. "As a former attorney general I've convicted the innocent and exonerated the guilty," she boasted. "I think this shows an ability to rise above the constraints of the law and evidence, if necessary, to achieve the kind of social justice others in my Party have merely given lip-service to. When I'm president no one will be beyond the reach of my authority to implement the complete transformation of the United States into the progressive state of President Obama's dreams."
John Hickenlooper, former governor of Colorado points out that "I am the only person in history who has taken his mother out on a date to see the classic porn movie 'Deep Throat.' Others may think they are visionaries, but none have dared to take such a step. My sexual bravery is without peer among those seeking the presidency. Even the notoriously promiscuous JFK never ventured anything similar to my escapade with my Mom. This is the sort of boldness that marks me as the leader America needs in these perilous times."
Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) made an effort to remind voters that "the first item on my action agenda after I'm elected president will be to reverse Trump's policy against transgenders serving in the military. By my way of thinking, anyone who has the courage to have his balls cut off in an attempt to become an ugly woman certainly has the courage to engage in hand-to-hand combat. And while I'm sure Trump isn't aware of it, there have been entire armies of fierce eunuchs deployed by great Muslim emirs in previous eras. I don't see why the US Army shouldn't revive this weapon to demoralize our country's foreign and domestic enemies."
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
https://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/258161-2019-03-23-semi-news-semi-satire-march-24-2019-edition.htm
ping
“anyone who has the courage to have his balls cut off in an attempt to become an ugly woman”
I knew a trans person about whom truer words were never spoken. I doubt they’ve had a date since their surgery. Or even a second look (without number 12 welding lenses).
Excellent! LOL.
(hat tip Michael Reagan) Democrats are so desperate to prevent a second Trump term that they are throwing out every
dumb, out-of-the-box or unconstitutional idea they can think of to stop him:
<><> Eliminate the Electoral College.-— ending the Electoral College would take a Constitutional amendment ratified by three-fourths of the states, it will never happen - even stupid desperate Democrats know it.
<><> Pack the Supreme Court-——the Judicial Procedures Reform Bill of 1937 was such a transparent abuse of executive power that many Democrats in Congress joined with the Republican minority to oppose FDR’s planned power play. FDR ultimately got his way when two justices changed their minds and voted to uphold the constitutionality of the Social Security Act and other New Deal legislation. But his scheme to pack the high court backfired on him politically, which is something today’s desperate Democrats might want to remember.
<><> Lower the voting age to 6 - sorry, 16.
John, this is one of your best. Had me wide-eyed and laughing into my morning covfefe! Carry on!
I think a better strategy would be to have another go at undermining him from within the government," Comey suggested. "The assets are in place to carry this out and I believe we have learned enough from the mistakes we made in the 2016 effort to greatly boost the probability of success if we give it another try."
According to Comey, a crucial error in the 2016 conspiracy to block Trump's election "was our perception that we needed to feign impartiality. This led to my mistaken 'reopening' of the Clinton email case in October. With the polls all showing Clinton would win in a landslide, we felt it important to simulate an even-handedness in order to preserve the FBI's credibility. But the last two years of non-stop vilification of Trump by a biased media has demonstrated that credibility for an image of fairness is not necessary. A constant repetition of concocted falsities is enough to convince a vast majority of voters."
"We've also learned that stories alleging 'pussy grabbing,' 'urinating prostitutes,' and extramarital liaisons with assorted women are not powerful enough to turn voters away from Trump," Comey added. "We're going to have to allege real crimes—like a liaison that ended up with a woman drowning or the sexual exploitation of children at a Caribbean resort—if we are to take this man down in 2020."
Thanks for a great column that somehow should be required reading for true, historical perspective.
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I have to keep reminding myself that this is supposed to be satire when I’m reading it.
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