Skip to comments.Dave Says Your Father is a Manipulator
Posted on 07/24/2013 9:47:17 AM PDT by Altariel
My parents have always had financial problems, and they recently lost their home. They have a place to live, but since that time my father has been asking me for money. He calls me over to talk about this when my mother isnt there and my husband isnt home. Hes even asked for half of a $150,000 inheritance I received from my grandparents. Hes really making me feel guilty, and Im not sure what to do.
Your brain knows what to do, but your heart is having a hard time doing it. Your father is a manipulator, and were not going to let that pattern continue. Theres nothing wrong with doing a few, short-term things to help them get back on their feet. But in return, you should expect them to change the behaviors that have put them in this situation.
Also, there should be no more private meetings with your father. If he wants to talk, make sure he understands it will be with your husband and mother present. To this point all of his schemes have been on the side, and this needs to be brought out into the open and stopped. You love your parents. That, along with your dads behavior, is whats making this so difficult. But participating in this sort of thing isnt going to help them. You take away a persons dignity when you subsidize them permanently. You also change their status and their ability to stand on their own two feet.
Any help you give needs to be short-term in naturea gift. You and your husband should be in agreement on exactly what youre going to do, and it should be on your terms. Dont get involved in giving them money every month for the rest of their lives just because they had you. Thats not how this works. Theres an ongoing sense of entitlement here that needs to be nipped in the bud!
My husband and I are trying to improve our financial situation by following your plan. We were wondering where home improvements fall in the Baby Steps.
Unless youre talking about an emergency situation, home improvements would fall into the category of wants, not needs. If youd like new carpet, nicer windows or an updated kitchen, these things need to wait until after youve completed the first three Baby Steps.
Lets review. Baby Step 1 means saving up $1,000 in the bank for a starter emergency fund. Baby Step 2 is paying off all debts except for your home. The third Baby Step is going back to your emergency fund and building it up so you have an amount equal to three to six months of expenses in case something goes wrong.
Once youve gotten to this point, youll be able to save and do some other things, including a few home improvements!
This is at least the third “Dave says...” thread today, alone. What’s up with that?
What is up with all the “Dave Says” threads????
The “you people” Dave Ramsey ping. :)
Self-righteous Dave never impressed me.
Manwhile why are you posting so many Dear Dave threads?
The man has a heart of gold, wants to be obedient to God, and wants to help and share his knowledge with everyone! Have you taken his course? Seriously!
Dave: “Unless youre talking about an emergency situation, home improvements would fall into the category of wants, not needs...these things need to wait until after youve completed the first three Baby Steps...Baby Step 1 means saving up $1,000 in the bank for a starter emergency fund. Baby Step 2 is paying off all debts except for your home...”
Dear Dave: You’re getting on my nerves. Guess what? A house you can’t pay for is a want, not a need. Should I go a hundred thousand into debt and congratulate myself for having stashed away one thousand?
“The third Baby Step is going back to your emergency fund and building it up so you have an amount equal to three to six months of expenses in case something goes wrong.”
What could go wrong, Dave? A fifteen or thirty year mortgage, and you think six months of income is a nice cushion, really?
It’s amazing how people hold, as unquestioned articles of faith, the ideas they hold at such ponderous expense. College for the kids, trophy house they can’t pay for. Many of these same people will tell you they’re preppers, too. They swear the country’s going to collapse into a Hobbes-Bosch-Obamaland nightmare, but they keep hocking their souls to buy a stake in the American Dream.
Dave, boardwalk gypsies give better advice than you!
Be careful! Telling the truth like that is dangerous.
Having $1000 in the bank is better than having nothing in the bank.
Having 3-6 months is better than having $1000.
Paying off student loans, credit cards, car payments, etc, so you have fewer monthly expenses increases your ability to better provide for you and yours.
“Penny wise, pound foolish.”
Better a good step in a right direction, than taking no step at all.
There's a need to counteract the pi$$ed off Moneybomber thread? lol
Doesn't matter what direction it is, one step gets you nowhere. A $1000 emergency fund is what my parents would have called a charge account -- a credit card.
Now credit is considered an everyday thing, not something you hope you never have to use.
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