Posted on 05/06/2017 10:11:20 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he strode purposefully into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law'. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert."
He went on. "After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide to have your ass cremated."
The judge says,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: oO.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
"This is your asshole before prison."
Frozen Crabs and The Blonde Flight Attendant
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the plane rolled out on the tarmac, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started
talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the plane”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
“Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.
Blonde jokes are the PC version of the so called ‘polack’ jokes.
Growing up in an Italian, Irish, Polish, Roman Catholic neighborhood we were quick to skewer the other guys descendancy. No one got offended, just worked hard to get off a better one.
Now, I’m going to have to remember that one. :-)
Being a blonde Brit, I took my share of slams. Before a company luncheon, my husband warned me about a co-worker who hated English people. Sure enough, seated at the table, as I was speaking to someone, she remarked in a loud Southern drawl; “Oh, English people make it sound like they know everything”
I looked her square in the eyes and said; “WE DO”. Most of the people kinda smirked and winked at me.
Haha I needed that. Thank you
Yeh I remember an Italian smear joke went like this. Why is Italian bread so long? So the guineas can dip it into the sewer.
Say you have a Roman like nose. It’s roaming all over your face.
One time on Abbott and Costello show the bald landlord Mr Fields was having a spaghetti dinner and while sprinkling parmesan on the meatballs he exclaimed. ‘this cheese puts hair on your chest’. Then Lou Costello grabs a handful and smears it on top of his head. Lol. Forever etched into the memories.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
You limeys are quite ‘enthralled ‘ with the southern drawl. Gotta love that cuttingly sharp witty Brit humor.
Good one.
In my old NYC neighborhood (circa 50s-60s)? the Irish hated the English. I could care less as I am 1/8 Irish and 1/8 English-Scott. My 3/4 Italian trumped the others. My very Irish 2nd cousins were talking about my great grandparents whom I never met. I had been told the great grandma was English. They were quick to say “no no no She was a Scott.” Which I assumed, to them, was a tad bit better than the dreaded English. They did not take kindly to the “E” word.
BTW I used to be a platinum blonde child. Now I have a dirty blonde/gray horse shoe shaped hair style with a shiny skin dome in the middle. Youth truly is wasted on the young.
Al Italia airline. Planes with hair under the wings.
irish 7 course dinner. A boiled potato and a six pack.
An Irishman walks into a neighborhood bar in Boston. He order 3 beers, sits and drinks them all and leaves. He comes in each day and does the same thing. After a couple of weeks the bartender suggests that he buy them one at a time so they will stay cold. The Irishman says, “No. You see I have two brothers. We’ve always been close but now we live far apart. So we do this every day as though we were still together”.
Everyone in the bar thinks this is a great tradition.
A week later the Irishman comes in and orders two beers. The bar gets very quiet. The Barkeep sats to the Irishman, “We don’t want to trouble you in your time of sorrow but if there’s anything we can do to help let us know.”
The Irishman says, “Whatya talkin about?”
The barkeep say, “Two beers. Didn’t one of your brothers pass on?”
The Irishman says, “No. You don’t understand. My wife got religion and made me quit drinking.”
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.
As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it.
Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.
When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turned to the old man and said:
“Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”
saving for later
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
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