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Grin and Bear it;)
email from a friend | 7/12/2018 | unknown

Posted on 07/12/2018 10:51:49 AM PDT by sodpoodle

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied, "My husband's check book!!"

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called 'Husband - the Master of the House?'" Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"

Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife - darling, honey, luv. What's the secret?" Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."

Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription .... Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough !

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"

TOPICS: Humor; Society
KEYWORDS: funny; relationships
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Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”

She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”

Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they are congressmen.

1 posted on 07/12/2018 10:51:49 AM PDT by sodpoodle
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To: sodpoodle


2 posted on 07/12/2018 11:09:27 AM PDT by Vendome (I've Gotta Be Me
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To: sodpoodle

Thank you!

3 posted on 07/12/2018 11:13:52 AM PDT by Silentgypsy ( “If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.”__Scorpion)
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To: sodpoodle

Most those are very funny jokes. They deserve a drum roll and a high hat cymbal sound. I can see a Borscht Belt comedian like Henny Youngman in a well tailored suit and carrying his violin telling those jokes at some famous man’s ‘Roast’.

Don Rickles too, if alcohol is being served.
Rodney Dangerfield, another stand comic genius.
He didn’t get no respect either!

4 posted on 07/12/2018 11:15:04 AM PDT by lee martell
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To: sodpoodle

Two women were tourists in the city. They asked a man directions to the museum. He said, “Go south 3 blocks and turn left.”
She asked him, “Which way is south?”
He answered, “It`s to your left.”
She asked her lady friend, “Which way is left?”

5 posted on 07/12/2018 11:24:25 AM PDT by bunkerhill7 ((((("The Second Amendment has no limits on firepower"-NY State Senator Kathleen A. Marchione.")))))))
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To: sodpoodle
The Drill Sergeant was in a rare mood as he barked at the men; "All right, you idiots, fall out!"

The men fell out but for one Private who stood firm. The Sergeant stared as the Private smiled and said "There were a lot of them, eh Sergeant?"

- Milton Berle
6 posted on 07/12/2018 11:28:18 AM PDT by \/\/ayne (I regret that I have but one subscription cancellation notice to give to my local newspaper.)
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To: sodpoodle
Rule One: Don't marry a bitch. A sweetheart might become a bitch later, but a bitch will NEVER improve.

Rule Two: If her mother is a bitch, do not marry her. Sooner or later, most of use more or less turn into our parents.

Rule Three: If she has a history of dating jerks, steer clear. You'll always be on trial.

Rule Four: Don't be a jerk.

7 posted on 07/12/2018 11:33:01 AM PDT by NorthMountain (... the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed)
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To: sodpoodle

Since we’re telling husband-wife jokes:

Bill Clinton is starting to have - shall we say - difficulties while in bed with Hillary. So Bill goes to his good friend Jesse Jackson for advice.

“The secret”, Jesse tells Bill, “is to start by roaring like a lion. It will give you all the confidence you need.”

That night Bill and Hillary are in bed. It’s 2 AM, the lights are off, and Bill is feeling amorous. So he roars like a lion.

“Is that you, Jesse?” Hillary asks.

8 posted on 07/12/2018 11:35:56 AM PDT by Leaning Right (I have already previewed or do not wish to preview this composition.)
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To: Leaning Right

The five most pathetic words in the English language:

“My wife won’t let me.”

I cannot believe the sheer godawfulness of today’s women. And it’s not just feminists. Traditional women are still prone to nagging, yelling, and using every sort of manipulation to get their way.

I have had several such females in my extended family. most of them are gone to whatever afterlife awaits nagging, screaming old witches.

Thank God I am one of that rare breed, the lifelong straight bachelor.

You go into this world alone, you go out alone. All human relationships are ultimately transactional.

And women today are completely mercenary. Put in enough years to qualify for a fat settlement, then drag the old man into family court and take him to the cleaners.

Yes, you don’t know how alone you are until you’re in a relationship or, worse, marriage with a predatory female.

God have mercy on their greedy little hearts — because I surely will not.

9 posted on 07/12/2018 12:03:40 PM PDT by Nothingburger
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To: \/\/ayne

The blonde co-ed was complaining to her friend. “Yesterday, in math class, we had a test on Roman Numerals. The professor returned the tests today and I got them all right’”

Her friend said, “So what’s the problem?”

The blonde replied, “He only gave me a grade of C !”

10 posted on 07/12/2018 12:08:26 PM PDT by JohnEBoy
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To: bunkerhill7
She asked her lady friend, “Which way is left?”

The only way you didn't take!

11 posted on 07/12/2018 12:11:28 PM PDT by Fast Moving Angel (It is no more than a dream remembered, a Civilization gone with the wind.)
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To: sodpoodle


12 posted on 07/12/2018 12:31:09 PM PDT by Sergio (An object at rest cannot be stopped! - The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight)
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To: Vendome
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore.

He asks the clerk, "Do you have Trump's new book on immigration?"

The clerk says, "Get the [bleep] out of here and don't come back!"

The guy says, "That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

13 posted on 07/12/2018 12:45:24 PM PDT by jumpingcholla34
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To: Leaning Right


Ha :)

14 posted on 07/12/2018 12:52:56 PM PDT by redinIllinois (Pro-life, accountant, gun-totin' Grandma - multi issue voter)
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To: jumpingcholla34


15 posted on 07/12/2018 2:11:15 PM PDT by Vendome (I've Gotta Be Me
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To: Nothingburger

Whipped men are men of poor character.

16 posted on 07/12/2018 6:55:36 PM PDT by Architect of Avalon
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To: sodpoodle

A Boy Baby and a Girl Baby are sitting on the Floor playing.

The Boy Baby pulls open his Diaper, points down and says, you don’t have one of these.

The Girl Baby pulls open her Diaper, points down and says, with one of these I can get a hundred of those.

17 posted on 07/12/2018 7:03:33 PM PDT by Kickass Conservative (The way Liberals carry on about Deportation, you would think "Mexico" was Spanish for "Auschwitz".)
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To: Nothingburger

You’ve nailed it. :-)

18 posted on 07/12/2018 7:10:33 PM PDT by Jack Hammer
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To: sodpoodle

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: “Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Stormy,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”

19 posted on 07/14/2018 3:52:21 AM PDT by mad_as_he$$
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To: mad_as_he$$

That is so good - should have started a thread with it;)

20 posted on 07/15/2018 3:09:52 AM PDT by sodpoodle (Life is prickly - carry tweezers)
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