Skip to comments.Grin and Bear it;)
Posted on 07/12/2018 10:51:49 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied, "My husband's check book!!"
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called 'Husband - the Master of the House?'" Sales girl: "Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!"
Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife - darling, honey, luv. What's the secret?" Old man: "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription .... Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough !
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
Were supposed to find the height of the flagpole, said Bob, But we dont have a ladder.
The woman said, Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, Eighteen feet, six inches and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, Well, aint that just like a Miss-know-it-all woman" he said, We need the height and she gives us the length!
Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they are congressmen.
Most those are very funny jokes. They deserve a drum roll and a high hat cymbal sound. I can see a Borscht Belt comedian like Henny Youngman in a well tailored suit and carrying his violin telling those jokes at some famous man’s ‘Roast’.
Don Rickles too, if alcohol is being served.
Rodney Dangerfield, another stand comic genius.
He didn’t get no respect either!
Two women were tourists in the city. They asked a man directions to the museum. He said, “Go south 3 blocks and turn left.”
She asked him, “Which way is south?”
He answered, “It`s to your left.”
She asked her lady friend, “Which way is left?”
Rule Two: If her mother is a bitch, do not marry her. Sooner or later, most of use more or less turn into our parents.
Rule Three: If she has a history of dating jerks, steer clear. You'll always be on trial.
Rule Four: Don't be a jerk.
Since we’re telling husband-wife jokes:
Bill Clinton is starting to have - shall we say - difficulties while in bed with Hillary. So Bill goes to his good friend Jesse Jackson for advice.
“The secret”, Jesse tells Bill, “is to start by roaring like a lion. It will give you all the confidence you need.”
That night Bill and Hillary are in bed. It’s 2 AM, the lights are off, and Bill is feeling amorous. So he roars like a lion.
“Is that you, Jesse?” Hillary asks.
The five most pathetic words in the English language:
“My wife won’t let me.”
I cannot believe the sheer godawfulness of today’s women. And it’s not just feminists. Traditional women are still prone to nagging, yelling, and using every sort of manipulation to get their way.
I have had several such females in my extended family. most of them are gone to whatever afterlife awaits nagging, screaming old witches.
Thank God I am one of that rare breed, the lifelong straight bachelor.
You go into this world alone, you go out alone. All human relationships are ultimately transactional.
And women today are completely mercenary. Put in enough years to qualify for a fat settlement, then drag the old man into family court and take him to the cleaners.
Yes, you don’t know how alone you are until you’re in a relationship or, worse, marriage with a predatory female.
God have mercy on their greedy little hearts — because I surely will not.
The blonde co-ed was complaining to her friend. “Yesterday, in math class, we had a test on Roman Numerals. The professor returned the tests today and I got them all right’”
Her friend said, “So what’s the problem?”
The blonde replied, “He only gave me a grade of C !”
The only way you didn't take!
He asks the clerk, "Do you have Trump's new book on immigration?"
The clerk says, "Get the [bleep] out of here and don't come back!"
The guy says, "That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Whipped men are men of poor character.
A Boy Baby and a Girl Baby are sitting on the Floor playing.
The Boy Baby pulls open his Diaper, points down and says, you don’t have one of these.
The Girl Baby pulls open her Diaper, points down and says, with one of these I can get a hundred of those.
You’ve nailed it. :-)
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven
The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: “Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.
Stormy was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
“Sorry, Stormy,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”
That is so good - should have started a thread with it;)
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