Posted on 11/27/2018 5:52:06 AM PST by sodpoodle
Lexophilia…
----Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
----England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
----I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
----They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
----I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
----Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
----I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
----I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
----A girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club, but I'd never met herbivore.
----When chemists die, they barium.
----I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
----I attended a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
---- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
----I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
----Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her . . . pupils?
----When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
----Broken pencils are pointless.
----What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
----I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
----I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
----Velcro - what a rip off!
----Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
Why Did You Bring Him Home?
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid jerk???”
“Because ... he’s thinking about getting married...”
SENIOR WEDDING
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Marian, age 89), living in The Villages in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore and they decide go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimers?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: “We’d like to use your store for our Bridal Registry.”
LAST BUT NOT LEAST :
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.
I came back to band rehearsal after a smoke break to find the bass player and drummer arguing and fighting.
I stepped between and said “Whoa! What’s the problem here?”
The bass player said “He deliberately de-tuned one of my strings !”
“So? “ I said.
The bass player said “And he won’t tell me which one !”
Or the weather girl in Montana who reported that Helena got six inches during the night.
At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the “dumb blonde” myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, “How much is 101 plus 20?”
The blonde answered, “120.”
“No,” he said, “that’s not right.”
The audience called out, “Give her another chance!”
So the speaker asked the blonde, “How much is 10 plus 13?”
Slowly the blonde replied, “16.”
“Sorry”, he said, shaking his head.
Once again the crowd roared, “Give her another chance.”
“This is your last try,” warned the speaker. “How much is 2 plus 2?”
Carefully she ventured, “Four?”
And the crowd yelled, “Give her another chance!”
—
I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?
—
I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, but they stood me up.
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