Redneck Guide to Etiquette

A centerpiece for the dining table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Especially if it's more appetizing than the meal. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table--no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. (They might be for a friend or relative of hers or her family.) Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Yes, unless you are the groom. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

Ye could have at least posted it in the correct language :-)

Redneck Guide t'Etiquette

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece fo' th' dinin' table sh'd nevah be ennythin' prepared by a taxidermist. Especially eff'n it's mo'e appetizin' than th' meal, ah reckon. Do not aller th' houn'dog t'eat at th' table--no matter how fine his manners are. Be cornsiderate of yer guests. Point out in advance whar th' injury-thrett upin' sprin's is located on th' sofa.

DINING OUT

When decantin' likker, make sho'nuff thet yo' tilt th' paper cup an' pour slowly so as not t'"bruise" th' fruit of th' vine. Eff'n six packin' direckly fum th' bottle, allus hold it witcher fingers covahin' th' label, ah reckon. Remember t'leave a junerous tip fo' fine service. Af'er all, their mobile home costs jest as much as yourn.

DATING (Outside th' Fambly)

Allus offer t'bait yer date's hook, especially on th' fust date. No matter how busted yer, nevah take yer date flowers thet were stolen fum a cemetery. (They might be fo' a friend o' relative of hers o' her fambly.) Be aggressive. Let her knows yer interested: "I've been wantin' t'go out wif yo' on account o' ah read thet stuff on th' men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish wif her parents whut time she is specked back. Shet mah mouth! Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." Eff'n th' latter is th' answer, it's th' fella's responsibility t'git her t'skoo on time. Eff'n a gal's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, o' an on overpass, odds is fine thet th' date will ind in frestrashun. Even eff'n yo' kin't git a date, avoid kidnappin'. It's bad fo' yer repeetayshun.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

Cryin' babies sh'd be taken t'th' lobby an' picked up eemeejutly af'er th' movie has inded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Refrain fum talkin' t'chareeckers on th' screen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Tests haf proven they kin't hear yo'.

WEDDINGS

Livestock usually is a pore choice fo' a weddin' gif'. Is it okay t'brin' a date t'a weddin'? Yessuh, unless yer th' groom, dawgone it. When dancin', nevah remove unnergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissin' th' bride fo' mo'e than 5 seconds may git yo' cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effeckive but also a proven fly deterrent. Fo' th' groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure sueyt wif a cumberbund an' a clean bowlin' shirt kin create a natty appeareence. Though uncomfy, say "yes" t'socks an' shoes fo' this hyar special occashun.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim yer haidlights fo' approachin' vehicles, even eff'n th' gun is loaded an' th' deer is in sight. When approachin' a four-way stop, th' vehicle wif th' largess tires allus has th' right of way. Nevah tow t'other car usin' pantyhose an' duck tape. When sendin' yer wife down th' road wif a gas kin, it is impolite t'ax her t'brin' back beer. Nevah relieve yo'seff fum a movin' vehicle, especially when drivin'. Do not remove th' seats fum th' car so thet all yer kids kin fit in, as enny fool kin plainly see. Do not lay rubber while travelin' in a funeral processhun.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Nevah take a beer t'a job interview o' ax eff'n they press charges. Allus identify varmints in yer yard befo'e shootin' at them, dawgone it. Allus say "Excuse me" af'er gittin' sick in someone else's car. It's cornsidered tacky t'take a right fineer t'church. Even eff'n yer sartin thet yer included in th' will, it's cornsidered tacky t'drive a U-Haul t'th' funeral home. Th' socially refined nevah fish coins outta public toilets, especially eff'n other varmints is aroun'. Eff'n yo' hafta vacuum th' bed, it's time t'change th' sheets. Allus provide an alibi t'th' po-lice fo' fambly members.

HYGIENE

While ears need t'be cleaned regularly, this hyar is a job thet sh'd be done in private usin' one's OWN truck keys. Unlike clo'es an' shoes, a toothbrush sh'd nevah be a han'-me-down item, dawgone it.

Older Volunteers:

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."

The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.

After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking. "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck.

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