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Redneck Guide to Etiquette
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Posted on 05/11/2002 1:03:02 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore)

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Martha Stewart, eat your heart out!
1 posted on 05/11/2002 1:03:02 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore)
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To: Bitwhacker; 2Trievers; Texaggie79; Irma; Molly Pitcher; DJ88; Dog; M Kehoe; kachina
Bump
2 posted on 05/11/2002 1:23:16 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore)
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
Excellent! I liked the Hygiene the best.
3 posted on 05/11/2002 1:30:28 PM PDT by auggy
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
lame
4 posted on 05/11/2002 1:41:43 PM PDT by don-o
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
Ye could have at least posted it in the correct language :-)

Redneck Guide t'Etiquette

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece fo' th' dinin' table sh'd nevah be ennythin' prepared by a taxidermist. Especially eff'n it's mo'e appetizin' than th' meal, ah reckon. Do not aller th' houn'dog t'eat at th' table--no matter how fine his manners are. Be cornsiderate of yer guests. Point out in advance whar th' injury-thrett upin' sprin's is located on th' sofa.

DINING OUT

When decantin' likker, make sho'nuff thet yo' tilt th' paper cup an' pour slowly so as not t'"bruise" th' fruit of th' vine. Eff'n six packin' direckly fum th' bottle, allus hold it witcher fingers covahin' th' label, ah reckon. Remember t'leave a junerous tip fo' fine service. Af'er all, their mobile home costs jest as much as yourn.

DATING (Outside th' Fambly)

Allus offer t'bait yer date's hook, especially on th' fust date. No matter how busted yer, nevah take yer date flowers thet were stolen fum a cemetery. (They might be fo' a friend o' relative of hers o' her fambly.) Be aggressive. Let her knows yer interested: "I've been wantin' t'go out wif yo' on account o' ah read thet stuff on th' men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish wif her parents whut time she is specked back. Shet mah mouth! Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." Eff'n th' latter is th' answer, it's th' fella's responsibility t'git her t'skoo on time. Eff'n a gal's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, o' an on overpass, odds is fine thet th' date will ind in frestrashun. Even eff'n yo' kin't git a date, avoid kidnappin'. It's bad fo' yer repeetayshun.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

Cryin' babies sh'd be taken t'th' lobby an' picked up eemeejutly af'er th' movie has inded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Refrain fum talkin' t'chareeckers on th' screen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Tests haf proven they kin't hear yo'.

WEDDINGS

Livestock usually is a pore choice fo' a weddin' gif'. Is it okay t'brin' a date t'a weddin'? Yessuh, unless yer th' groom, dawgone it. When dancin', nevah remove unnergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissin' th' bride fo' mo'e than 5 seconds may git yo' cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effeckive but also a proven fly deterrent. Fo' th' groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure sueyt wif a cumberbund an' a clean bowlin' shirt kin create a natty appeareence. Though uncomfy, say "yes" t'socks an' shoes fo' this hyar special occashun.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim yer haidlights fo' approachin' vehicles, even eff'n th' gun is loaded an' th' deer is in sight. When approachin' a four-way stop, th' vehicle wif th' largess tires allus has th' right of way. Nevah tow t'other car usin' pantyhose an' duck tape. When sendin' yer wife down th' road wif a gas kin, it is impolite t'ax her t'brin' back beer. Nevah relieve yo'seff fum a movin' vehicle, especially when drivin'. Do not remove th' seats fum th' car so thet all yer kids kin fit in, as enny fool kin plainly see. Do not lay rubber while travelin' in a funeral processhun.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Nevah take a beer t'a job interview o' ax eff'n they press charges. Allus identify varmints in yer yard befo'e shootin' at them, dawgone it. Allus say "Excuse me" af'er gittin' sick in someone else's car. It's cornsidered tacky t'take a right fineer t'church. Even eff'n yer sartin thet yer included in th' will, it's cornsidered tacky t'drive a U-Haul t'th' funeral home. Th' socially refined nevah fish coins outta public toilets, especially eff'n other varmints is aroun'. Eff'n yo' hafta vacuum th' bed, it's time t'change th' sheets. Allus provide an alibi t'th' po-lice fo' fambly members.

HYGIENE

While ears need t'be cleaned regularly, this hyar is a job thet sh'd be done in private usin' one's OWN truck keys. Unlike clo'es an' shoes, a toothbrush sh'd nevah be a han'-me-down item, dawgone it.

5 posted on 05/11/2002 1:54:00 PM PDT by Happygal
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To: auggy
Thanks. Also, I found the tips on wine drinking to be very useful. 8^)
6 posted on 05/11/2002 1:58:50 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore)
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To: Happygal
Thanks for the language format, I would have done it, but I was afraid other folks, i.e. yankees, wouldn't understand.
7 posted on 05/11/2002 2:01:17 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore)
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
Hey I understood it, and I'm Irish! *LOL* Worse still, I identified with a lot of the tips! *LOL*
8 posted on 05/11/2002 2:03:21 PM PDT by Happygal
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To: Happygal
Are you from Southern Ireland?
9 posted on 05/11/2002 3:51:44 PM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
The tips are from Jeff Foxworthy's book, "Hick is Chic".
10 posted on 05/11/2002 4:02:58 PM PDT by petuniasevan
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To: petuniasevan
I didn't know that. I found it in an e-mail, and thought it was funny.
11 posted on 05/11/2002 4:19:37 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore)
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Even if its momma was a blue ribbon winner at the fair?

Shoot. Come on Pork Chop, let's get you back in your pen. I'm a goin on down to the walmart and see if I can find something else for the wedding. Probably should return that case of bbq sauce too.

a.cricket

12 posted on 05/11/2002 4:22:40 PM PDT by another cricket
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To: another cricket
Even if its momma was a blue ribbon winner at the fair?

The tip did say "usually". 8^)

13 posted on 05/11/2002 4:26:54 PM PDT by ABG(anybody but Gore)
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Am I from Southern Ireland? *S*...Of course.

...ye think I could post with bullets out my ass otherwise? *LOL* ~kiddin'~

14 posted on 05/11/2002 6:28:45 PM PDT by Happygal
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To: Happygal
Family Stayin' At Niece's Place Etiquette:

Just because your Rottweiler's named 'Daisy' & you think she's adorable do not leave the house with Daisy roaming about when your uncle from out-of-state emerges from his bedroom!

15 posted on 05/11/2002 6:46:36 PM PDT by jla
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To: jla
~hands on me hips~
At least speaky the language!! *L*
(funny though! *S*)

Is THIS what you meant to say?

Jest on account o' yer Rottweiler's named 'Daisy' & yo' reckon she's ado'able does not leave th' house wif Daisy roamin' about when yer uncle fum out-of-state emerges fum his bedroom! Fry mah hide!

16 posted on 05/11/2002 7:10:50 PM PDT by Happygal
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To: Happygal
My screen name is jla, not Lil' Abner.
17 posted on 05/11/2002 7:13:22 PM PDT by jla
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To: jla
Awww screw it! You one-upped me with that one!!! *ROFL*...I will hand that one to you on a silve platter! *LOL*

......kickin' the dirt

18 posted on 05/11/2002 7:17:25 PM PDT by Happygal
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
Older Volunteers:

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."

The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.

After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking. "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck.

19 posted on 05/11/2002 11:16:27 PM PDT by farmfriend
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To: ABG(anybody but Gore)
Survivor--Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style.

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,

"I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!

20 posted on 05/11/2002 11:18:45 PM PDT by farmfriend
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