Morford: What Are You, On Drugs?

San Francisco Chronic-le ^ | Wednesday, December 8, 2004 | Mark Morford (does not take her Thorazine orallly)

[presidio9]

The odds are very good that you are on drugs. Right now. This minute. As I type this and as you read this and as false Texas dictators rise and sad empires crumble and as this mad bewildered world spins in its frantically careening orbit, there's a nearly 50/50 chance that some sort of devious synthetic chemical manufactured by some massive and largely heartless corporation is coursing through your bloodstream and humping your brain stem and molesting your karma and kicking the crap out of your libido and chattering the teeth of your very bones.

Maybe it's regulating your blood pressure. Maybe it's keeping your cholesterol in check. Maybe it's helping you sleep. Maybe it's helping you wake the hell up. Maybe it's opening your bronchial tubes. Maybe it's brightening your terminally bleak outlook.

Maybe it's adjusting your hormone levels or controlling your urge to weep every minute or relaxing the blood vessels in your penis or cranking the serotonin to your brain or pumping carefully measured slugs of alprazolam or fluoxetine or sertraline or atorvastatin or esomeprazole or buspirone or venlafaxine or any number of substances with Latin-rooted jawbreaker names through your flesh in a bizarre dance of miraculous vaguely disturbing death-defying scientific wonder.

Forty-four percent of all Americans. That's the latest number. Almost half us are popping at least one prescription drug and fully one in six are popping three or more, and the numbers are only increasing and this of course doesn't count alcohol or cigarettes or bad porn and it doesn't count the mad megadoses of jingoistic flag-waving God-slappin' fear -- which is, as evidenced by the last election, a stupendously popular FDA-approved drug in its own right. But that's another column.

[bikepacker67]

humping your brain stem and molesting your karma

That's freakin hilarious!

[Shellback Chuck]

Maybe it's keeping my sick ass alive too.

[leadpencil1]

I'm on drugs today! And good thing I am, since without them I would be in very serious trouble.

[asgardshill]

Judging from his writings, I suspect that drugs of some sort are the only thing keeping Mark Morford going.

[facedown]

And I'm sure Ms. Morford never ingests any pyschotropic substances.

[Publius]

Only if they were available by suppository.

[avg_freeper]

Judging from his writings, I suspect that drugs of some sort are the only thing keeping Mark Morford going.

Of the antibiotic variety no doubt.

[asgardshill]

I was thinking interferon myself, but I suspect there's an antibiotic or two in the cocktail somewhere.

[exnavychick]

You know, ever since I have joined, I have seen a few articles "written" by this cretin...I cannot believe he actually has a column! This guy has serious issues, and is obviously in need of some serious drugs himself. And NOT the kind you take to lower your cholesterol!

[SilentServiceCPOWife]

Only a small number of people whose doctors prescribe these meds like candy actually need them, and as for the rest there are these things called lifestyle change and dietary change and perspective change and even spiritual shift that can affect the overall health of your life like a goddamn miracle, like a thousand drugs combined, changes that millions simply refuse to undertake because, well, it's just too damn hard.

I dare everyone to read this sentence out loud. I bet you can't do it without passing out.

[E. Pluribus Unum]

Maybe it's keeping my sick ass alive too.

Maybe your ass wouldn't be sick if you weren't fifty pounds overweight.

[RightWingAtheist]

Kids! Say no to Morford!

[avenir]

Ms. Morford preparing for another day at the typewriter.

[Steve_Seattle]

Frank Booth: "Hey, tits, where's my f*ckin bourbon!"

[ladtx]

Maybe it's keeping my sick ass alive too.

Good answer, good answer. I'd be in trouble without my altace and avandamet, all washed down with a good slug of caffeine laced coffee.

[Shellback Chuck]

Sorry Chief, I'm within my height and weight specs. its my kidneys that are the problem.

[Old Professer]

He lives on semen.

[webstersII]

I had to dig through all the liberal anti-Bush stuff to find this but he makes a good point:

"But here's the thing: it's still only a fraction. Only a small number of people whose doctors prescribe these meds like candy actually need them, and as for the rest there are these things called lifestyle change and dietary change and perspective change and even spiritual shift that can affect the overall health of your life like a goddamn miracle, like a thousand drugs combined, changes that millions simply refuse to undertake because, well, it's just too damn hard."

He's right about this. Many people due to lifestyle or ignorance over a long period of time are in a situation where they have to take meds. Many other people don't need all the meds but wind up taking them anyway. The side effects of many popular meds are significant and those get largely overlooked when people make decisions about taking them.

Part of the issue also is the lousy dietary advice that's been floating around for so many years -- that high carbs, no meat is the healthiest choice. That's one of the reasons so many people have chronic health problems.

Conservatives are the people of personal responsibility. We should be the ones leading the effort for more healthy choices (note I said "choices", not gov't mandates about taxing Hardee's mega-cheeseburgers and such).

(Flame-retardant suit now firmly in place. . . . )

[G32]

Yeah, his sentence structure is terrible and unreadable. He uses way WAY too many 'and..'. He does this in every column. I don't know if it's his 'style' to do it intentionally, or if he's just a really bad writer.