Posted on 09/09/2005 5:38:37 PM PDT by Maria S
THIS JUST IN: Democrat politicians are taking political advantage of the looting by their minority constituents, which has made Hurricane Katrina an equal opportunity disaster.
THIS JUST IN: Unable to prove charges of murder or rape against Joran Van Der Sloot, Aruban officials considered a charge of “Conspiracy to Do Whatever”, but were afraid they couldn’t make it stand up in court.
THIS JUST IN: The same people who anointed Bill Clinton as the first black President are now claiming that The Toccata and Fugue in D Minor was actually written in the year 1726 by a black composer named Leroy Sebastian Bach.
THIS JUST IN: There’s bad news and worse news. The bad news is Bill Moyers doesn’t believe anything he says on television. The worse news is - oh yes, he does.
THIS JUST IN: There is in preparation a children’s book inspired by Hillary Clinton’s days at the Rose Law Firm. It will be called Rebecca of Crooked Books Farm.
THIS JUST IN: A sign at a New England state line reads, “Welcome to Vermont where nobody expects you to re-set the toilet seat when you get through using it”.
THIS JUST IN: Because of all the illegal aliens clogging up hospital emergency rooms, error prone surgeons are learning to say “oops” in Spanish.
THIS JUST IN: There is a new action hero based on Bill Clinton - called Zipperman - a mild-mannered pervert by day and a super-depraved pervert by night.
THIS JUST IN: Florida retirees complain the biggest menace produced by hurricanes is flying bedpans.
THIS JUST IN: Some of the gay members of the ACLU want to change its name to The American Civil Lisp Union.
THIS JUST IN: Hollywood’s box office slump is being attributed to the fact that their recent movies are mostly “downers”. The last happy ending of a Hollywood flick was “Citizen Kane” in which Charles Foster Kane, a wealthy newspaper magnate, spends millions trying to make his tone-deaf lady friend an opera star. He went broke, she became a drunk, and lovers of Puccini lived happily ever after.
THIS JUST IN: A pediatrician believes Michael Jackson’s affinity for children is as a result of a botched puberty bypass operation.
THIS JUST IN: According to scripture, Methuselah never did any exercise and lived to be 969 years old, but according to exercise guru Jack La Lanne, “that’s the kind that goes just like that”.
THIS IS IN: The politically correct Navy is considering allowing transvestites to serve aboard submarines, as long as they don’t wear hoopskirts in the narrow passageways.
THIS JUST IN: The latest rage among Hollywood celebrity pet lovers - dog houses with wine cellars.
THIS JUST IN: Arab physicians are abandoning the practice of performing sex change operations. They attribute their lack of success to the fact that the word “abracadabra” doesn’t have the magic it used to.
THIS JUST IN: Recently turned up writings left behind by the Democrats in the State Department reveal Madeleine Albright, self-professed expert on the Middle East, thought Snafu was the name of an Egyptian Pharaoh.
THIS JUST IN: Arab children who return home from a suicide mission are scolded by their mothers, “Not dead, yet? Just wait until your father gets home!”
THIS JUST IN: Some medical laboratories have managed to acquire samples of Bill Clinton’s sperm and will examine them for any uncontrollable characteristics - as soon as they can be rounded up and herded into cages.
THIS JUST IN: The game of hockey has gotten rougher. Some Canadian players have started wearing padded lingerie.
THIS JUST IN: An airport is being sued by a man stopped at the boarding gate as a suspected terrorist because of his turban, swarthy complexion, wearing crossed bandoliers of AK47 ammo, and was picking his nose with a bayonet.
THIS JUST IN: The big domes at the Kennedy School of Government are trying to suppress evidence that liberalism is not a philosophy, but a fungus. That works for me.
THIS JUST IN: Trent Lott has been taking his colleagues to task because he’s tired of being accused of timidity. It’s all in his new book in the chapter called “Eek! A Mouse!”
THIS JUST IN: Chelsea Clinton seems to be reviving her signature fashion – clenched hair.
THIS JUST IN: The ACLU is trying to further discredit the Boys Scouts holding demonstrations of how easy it is to ignite a match by rubbing two campfires together.
THIS JUST IN: Arlen Specter recommends appointing Sandra Day O’Connor as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court for one year. Specter is the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Meaningless Gestures.
THIS JUST IN: Hillary is splitting the difference on birth control. She is considering legalizing the establishment of fetus-friendly abortion clinics. The procedure is the same but the abortionist wears a party hat.
THIS JUST IN: The Democrats have replaced Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe with Howard Dean. The process is called “rotating the bag men”.
THIS JUST IN: Jimmy Carter has volunteered to help George Bush write an apology for winning the war in Afghanistan.
THIS JUST IN: An Arab psychic received a message from a dead Moslem martyr claiming he just bedded his 73rd virgin – and requested his name be listed in the Guinness Book of Records.
THIS JUST IN: The Department of Labor is conducting a study to determine why people who have jobs that require them to do only one function are consistently incapable of doing it. (Of course, there is always room for their kind of incompetence at AT&T.)
THIS JUST IN: A historian has postulated that the guillotine was not cruel and inhuman punishment but invented by the French to end "those bad hair days”.
THIS JUST IN: As long as the Clintons reside there, the Soviet Union is alive and well in Chappaqua, New York.
THIS JUST IN: The ACLU is lobbying to outlaw prayer on the battlefield in that foxholes are government property and conducting religious observances in them are a violation of the doctrine of separation of church and state.
and …
THIS JUST IN: Same-sex marriage has made some changes in the wedding ritual. Lesbian marriage ceremonies end with the Minister pronouncing, “I now pronounce you butch and bitch.”
***
"New England State Line". Hmmm. That's a new one on me.
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firehat
Since Nov 28, 1997
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Keep up the good work Firehat J
THIS JUST IN: Lady of the Lake Drowns.
Thanks!
I needed that!
Perhaps also some books for teens in their formative socialist years, too: It Takes A Village to Raise an Idiot, The Tormentor's Apprentice, and technical tomes such as The Preternatural Stupidity of Terminal Adolescence. See also my tagline.
Bob Hope, you can come back now. We have found a new writer.
I've already stolen a couple of his jokes. Hey, it worked for Milton Berle.
I Love Norman Liebmann,I've read everything on Firehat.
Norm Liebmann used to be a TV writer (Chico & the Man, the Munsters). You can see how his wit compares against the modern-day menu of fart jokes, toilet humor, and transparent double entendres.
It's not bad, but it's about 5 years old. Why does it have relevance to be posted now?
It's not bad, but it's about 5 years old. Why does it have relevance to be posted now?
Date on the web site says 2005-08-31. That's 10 days ago. Where did you get 5 years old?
From the content, dude.
"It's not bad, but it's about 5 years old. Why does it have relevance to be posted now?"
Sorry. I guess I'm just not as 'in the loop' as you! It just seemed like a little humor right now would be a good thing.
From the content, dude.
Not to be picky, but there is nothing in the content that indicates this article as being 5 years old...dude.
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