Skip to comments.Become Carbon Neutral Today
Posted on 02/27/2007 6:01:57 AM PST by truthandlogic
February 20, 2007 Become Carbon Neutral Today! Filed under: Idiotarians, Ecofreaks
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Print This Post While perusing an article about Hannity nailing the GoreBot for his rampant hypocrisy when hes traveling all over the world spewing CO2 like its going out of style while demanding that the rest of us quit breathing in order to save the polar bears, I once again came across something that makes me laugh like a deranged hyena every time I run into it.
You see, the GoreBots propaganda ministry promptly rebutted by claiming that the Inconvenient Moron maintains carbon neutrality for his jet-setting by buying carbon offsets.
So what are these carbon offsets, and why do they cause such enormous mirth in His Majestys daily life every time theyre mentioned?
Well, to answer the first question (and the last, really), theyre a scam that would have made Ponzi himself feel like a rank amateur. Not that the Enviroloons came up with the idea, they actually stole it from the Catholics of yore. Back then, they were called indulgences and, for a modest fee, you could buy instant forgiveness for any and all of your sins. Just confess (its good for the soul), let the kindly father ring up your tab, pay the fee and you were as pure as the driven snow again.
Lets explain how the modern Indulgence Scam works: Lets say that you own a business. Somewhere, somebody will be happy, for a modest fee of course, to calculate your businesss carbon footprint, which is a number describing how much youre despoiling the virgin body of Mother Gaia with your wicked, capitalist ways. Now lets say that youre exceeding your quota by, say, 20 Kt of CO2/year. Thats bad. You evil, WICKED Zoot!
Not to worry, though. Somewhere else in the world someone else is 20 Kt below his quota, so all you have to do is to pay that guy another modest fee to purchase his carbon credits and hey, youre once again a True Friend of Mother Gaia! And somewhere in the Turd World some guy is very happy because some rich jerk just paid him a fortune to sit on his arse and NOT produce anything at all. No, this doesnt make the CO2 youve been spewing disappear, so other than making some poor sod very happy about the windfall that just landed in his lap, everything is exactly the way it was before, but dont you feel better already? You will, once you get over the sudden feeling of being a World Class Shmuck and, whats more, you get to impress throngs of addle-brained liberals with your sudden carbon neutrality.
Sweet deal and, as with any other scam, His Majesty wants his part of it.
So heres the deal: I herewith form a business that will produce gizmos, doodads and thingummajigs. Producing each of those will create approximately 8 tonnes of CO2, and I plan to sell them for $50 a piece. Heres where you come in, oh Conscientious Worshippers of Gaia. For every $60 you drop in my PayPal account, I promise to NOT produce one gizmo, doodad or thingummajig, which will allow you to spit out the 8 tonnes of CO2 that I would otherwise have polluted the atmosphere with, all without increasing your carbon footprint one iota!
And dont worry about the legitimacy of this scheme. Ill produce, at my own expense, a certificate with the signatures of two witnesses stating under oath that I did NOT produce the gizmo, doodad or thingummajig that you just paid me not to produce, thus handing over the 8 tonnes of CO2 credits to you.
Hey, its an offer so good that you cannot possibly refuse it, right?
Hurry up, supplies of products that I wont be producing are strictly limited and will be sold on a first-doofus-to-fall-for-it, first served basis.
***UPDATE:*** While Im busy sitting around producing nothing and expecting to get paid for it (and thanks for all the ideas and kind offers to help getting this brilliant scam Sustainable Gaia-Friendly Business Venture started, Ill be getting back to you), I just discovered yet another way to earn carbon credits that you can sell to gullible patchoulistas out there: Plant trees! Its like this: By planting a tree, youre sequestering carbon which, obviously, creates even MORE juicy carbon credits that you can sell off at premium prices.
Yes, yes, I know, it sounds too much like actual work to be worth doing, right? Thats what I thought too, until I read on and found out that, once Im done planting about a 1,000 trees or so (lets start small so as not to be greedy here, not to mention that I dont much care for getting my soft hands dirty), Ill form ANOTHER company, Imperial Bonfires Inc., which will be chopping down trees and burning them off so the neighborhood kids can come grill sausages and make smores (for a fee, of course). Now, the beauty of it is, obviously, that chopping down trees and setting them on fire creates a LOT of CO2 so, in order to prove my Gaia-Saving Creds and earn even more carbon creds that I can sell off, Ill offer to NOT chop down a tree if the Birkenstock-wearing Buttinskis of Berkeley pay me a whole lot of money which, again, will provide them with carbon credits to offset their carbon footprints, whatever the Hell that means. Beautiful, isnt it? The silly buggers will be paying me TWICE, and Ill get a whole lot of trees for the grandchildren to build tree houses in.
Hmmm Speaking of sequestering carbon, that gives me another idea. Ill exhale into Ziploc Bags and promise to keep the CO2 in there sequestered. For a price.
The possibilities with this Indulgence Scam are endless, I tell you!
Posted by Emperor Misha I @ 11:09 pm | | 433 Views
If I died today, I'd be putting about 200 pounds of carbon (among other things) into the environment. How do I neutralize that?
Hey Algore...I got your carbon neutral right here
do you franchize?
I'd listen a bit more to Al Gore if he practiced what he preached and he could start by dumping the big energy-guzzling houses and getting some small, efficient ones. He could get a discount on commercial airfare if he promised not to sit next to anyone; that is much more carbon neutral that taking a large, private craft. And Hurricane Katrina, not a global warming event. If fact, it was nothing special as far as hurricanes go...it just hit in a 'special' place. And of course if he did not give China and India a pass that would help.
purchasing indulgences- brilliant comparison!
"Carbon nuetral is for the litle people." - Algore
The version I read about said that evil American capitalists can buy polluting coal plants in China.
The deal is that an American company buys the polluting Chinese coal plant from the Chinese and is credited with X number of carbon credits to continue operating its CO2 producing business.
The Chicoms, after getting paid off to stop producing CO2, dismantle the coal plant. Then the Chicoms rebuild the coal plant down the road to wait for the next buyer.
In turn, the evil American capitalists raise their rates on consumers to pay for buying the scam Chicom coal plant. So in the end, Americans see huge tax and goods increases that drain them of capital.
Economists at Wharton calculate this will cost each American family another $2,000 annually and throw millions of people out of work.
You might invest in throw-away Chinese coal factories to offset your family's increased cost of living expenses, but I'd guess the IRS will consider it a tax evasion scheme. The Marxists really, really want their pound of flesh from you on this scam.
Welcome to the brave new soviet world of global warming.
Am I doing my part if Chinese tallow trees are coming up all around my house?
Does this work with dieting too? If I give some poverty stricken third-worlder a big fat check, can I eat his share of the pizza?
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus
Vegetarians are eating up all of the oxygen, time to do something about that.
Remain carbon neutral, send money to the nuts. It has all the trappings of a protection racket.
Can we please see your receipts?
And isn't the Carbon output the same as it was before?
Liberalism is indeed a Mental Disorder!
In that case, just eating the pizza keeps the poverty stricken third-worlder from eating it, thereby creating the neutralizing effect.
You're good to go. But you have to eat the whole pizza, because there are starving children in other parts of the world.
Hey, maybe that's where the enviroloons got the idea.
Good article. Thanks for setting us straight about Uncle Al (The Moron)Gore's buy-back-your-guilt scheme.
Sheesh ... what a crock.
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