Skip to comments.Global warming attributed to liberal imagination
Posted on 12/14/2008 6:40:31 PM PST by KOZ.
WASHINGTON, D.C. A recent study by the Multinational Council on Climate Research, a Washington-based think tank, found that global warming, the phenomenon that is causing average temperatures on Earth to rise, is actually nothing more than a collective figment of overactive left-wing imaginations across the country.
We were astonished by the results, said Jacob Harcourt, managing director of the MCCR. I had always thought the primary cause of global warming to be gases in our atmosphere that trapped the suns heat and caused an increase in surface temperatures. Turns out its nothing more than a penchant for foreign films and organic food.
The study also found that glacial retreat, extreme weather events, and the melting of polar ice caps is not so much due to emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases as it is to an infatuation with universal healthcare, unwavering support of communist governments, and an affinity for high taxes.
Although many question the studys findings, Harcourt insists they are based on sound science. We did experiments, he said. For example, we showed people an assortment of spatial variability charts, and the only ones who were in any way alarmed or somehow interpreted them to mean that subsurface temperatures worldwide are directly impacted by rising atmospheric heat gradients were the people that drove Volvos or had body piercings. It was crazy. We even tried it with a chart called Cumulative Mean Glacial Thickness Change. Same thing.
Experiments also found that listening to hip hop music or even just thinking about France caused the average liberal to remove his or her sweater. By contrast, a control group that was shown clips of Bill OReilly immediately reported feeling a chill in the air.
What was really weirdand this is very revealingis that a chart depicting seasonal oscillations in carbon dioxide measurements, which were directly proportional to temperature increases, correlated almost precisely with peoples wine and cheese intake during those same periods, Harcourt said.
The study pointed out that decades of burning oil, coal and other fossil fuels, which have raised our atmospheric carbon concentration to almost 400 parts per million, mean little when one considers the number of soy lattes consumed and the amount of volunteer work at homeless shelters over those same years.
Patty Simmons, one of the studys participants, said the results opened her eyes. I grew up in a household with two mothers, and every day they reminded me that the quickest and best way to become a godless nation of gay, socialist, flag burning weenies was carpooling. Now I can see that wont work, because climate change is all in our heads.
Harcourt said that those suffering most from delusions that the earths sea levels are somehow rising, or that permafrost is thawing in polar regions, are welfare mothers and single parents.
The more you hate your own country, or eat tofu, the more likely you are to feel as though the earths surface temperatures are increasing in direct proportion to greenhouse gas emissions, and to entertain fantasies of someday reducing your carbon footprint, Harcourt said.
He added: My six-year-old daughter went trick-or-treating last week and had to put a coat on over her costume because she felt chilly. My daughter, by the way, is a solid social and fiscal conservative. So you tell me.
© 2008 The Teaspoon Times
far as I am concerned liberalism is a mental disorder
I thought that GoreBull Warming was caused by hot air from Liberal’s mouths.
I like foreign films.
Heres one for ya’.
Let Joey read this article. LOL
You got that right!:
I love foreign films! Enough with the stereotypes!
I mean, come on. Fellini didn’t have a political bone in his body, Tarkovsky was a borderline dissident. Foreign films and foreign film makers are no more a “left-wing thing” than sushi or Swedish cars.
I like foreign films also.
The article certainly won’t convince anyone, but it was fun just the same.
I’ve said for years that Gore could do a lot to curb global warming by simply shutting his cake-hole.
BTW, it appears a few of you don’t realize the above article is satire. :)
We just have to educate people about what CO2 is good for.
Jeez, I was reading the through the headlines quickly and thought it said, ‘Global warming attributed to illegal immigration.’ I swear.
Well, that may be what it takes to get the libs on board with getting rid of illegals.
You're not alone.
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