The other day I found myself very puzzled. I know what I believe, why I believe it, the philosophical foundations of my beliefs. I've studied everything from Karl Marx to Ludwig von Mises, from Friedrich Hayek to FDR, from Edmund Burke to Bertrand Russell, from Aristotle to Ayn Rand.
I understand modern conservative thought. I understand libertarian thought. I understand classical liberalism.
What I can't begin to comprehend is modern liberalism. Maybe you can help me.
As near as I can tell, to be a liberal:
You have to believe that the lack of funding spreads AIDS.
You have to believe that only churches pre-approved by the government are valid.
You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
You have to believe that the same public school system who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
You have to believe that global temperatures are affected less by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun and affected more by yuppies driving SUVs.
You have to believe that sexual roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
You have to believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
You have to believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without liberal help.
You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
Looking back on my list, it seems shallow, muddled, contradictory, divorced of logic and a bit sadistic.
Well, then.
If that doesn't describe the modern liberal, I don't know what does.
I would add several others, among them:
You have to believe that Socialists are good for the America political process, but marginalized Evangelical Christians can't participate.
What would you add to the definition of modern liberalism not covered? Or, how would you improve on the definitions given?
Substitute “Iranian Mullahs” for the “Red Chinese” and it is just as up-to-date today as it was 16 years ago.