Posted on 01/12/2002 5:13:58 PM PST by boothead
The Garlic
Pleasant Valley, VT.
The wedding of Marty and Sammy was to be a beautiful affair. Things just seemed to fall apart after Sammy looked down the aisle and spotted the outfit Marty had on. It was identical in every aspect with what Sammy had on even down to the matching purses. Marty, flinging rose petals as he (she) pranced between the pews with his (her) chartreuse slippers and a chalice of wine in one hand. His (her) Doberman with his(her) many colored afghan sweater was leading the way.
As this was to be a very special occasion, Sammy decided to let it pass and not cause any unpleasant-ness. Sammy being a reformed Carbohydrate Addict, knew he (she)wasn’t supposed to get upset. Any confrontation, regardless how small, might trigger his (her) craving for sweets. Marty also had an “eating disorder” but on another scale. His (her) was a matter of willpower. You have difficulty stopping once you’ve started. There was one difference in appearance between Marty and Sammy. Sammy was wearing a rosette and Marty was not. True, Marty had a rosette as he (she) pranced down the aisle, but having a little too much wine, flung his (her) rosette into the crowd, thinking it a rose petal.
As Marty drew up close to Sammy and his (her) French Poodle, the Poodle spotted the Doberman with the many colored afghan sweater, identical with the one he(she )had on. The Poodle whispered “Vous Poque”. The Doberman not knowing French did not know he(she) had been called a “bitch”.
Everything was going as planned. It was a most beautiful feeling to Marty and Sammy. One they had been awaiting for long time. As Sammy’s disorder stood in the way, they had to postpone the wedding until Sammy shed about 250 lbs.
Well, As Father Hahn finished the rosary, he said “You may kiss the bride.” Panic stricken ,Sammy and Marty had forgotten this important part of their wedding. Just who was the bride. One word leading to another, and Father Hahn stepping on the Poodle’s tail, pandemonium soon broke out. The Poodle thinking the Flower Child had stepped on his(her) tail bit the Flower Child on the rear. This infuriating the Flower Child’s father, jumps up and takes a swing at Sammy, misses and hits Father Khan knocking him into Marty and his (her) Doberman. Marty with a swish of his(her) purse, hits the Father of the Flower Child and drops his (her) “large economy can of Mace “ from his (her) purse, it landing on its top breaking off the nozzle. The Mace can takes off like a rocket bouncing from wall to wall and spewing its noxious fumes over the congregation. Big tears running down their legs, the congregation makes for the door amidst crushed rose petals and spilled wine.
During all the commotion, Sammy had disappeared. Found two blocks away among a truck load of “chocolate drops” stuffing himself (herself) and back in the old habit. Marty disgusted, left, looking for another meal, mumbling. “ I knew we should have had the wedding in Missisquoi."
Better luck next time.
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