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Keyword: satire

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  • Biden Condemns "Islamophobia" [semi-satire]

    03/28/2024 11:18:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, President Biden, in observance of the International Day to Combat Islamophobia, condemned "the hate that Muslims face because of their beliefs and the ugly resurgence of Islamophobia following the war in Gaza. Let us rededicate ourselves to a world where people of all faiths are free to live without fear." Meanwhile, Imam Abdou Zindani observed the International Day to Combat Islamophobia by saying "one day Muslims will slaughter Jews like sheep." A poll in Palestine found that 71% see the October 7 attack and massacre of unarmed civilian Israeli Jews as a good decision and that 93% do...
  • Chicago Mayor Tells Migrants If They Run Out of Debit Card Funds, They Can Just Rob Americans

    03/28/2024 6:19:54 AM PDT · by airdalecheif · 13 replies
    (Chicago) Mayor Brandon Johnson is assuring the masses of illegal migrants in the Windy City that if they run out of funds on their taxpayer-supplied debit cards, they can simply start robbing American citizens and cut out the middleman.
  • We're All Far Right Now (Official Music Video)

    03/28/2024 7:47:01 AM PDT · by Eleutheria5 · 3 replies
    Dominic Frisby ^ | 23/3/24 | Noah Fleetwood
    Polite and smart and punctual, it once was good to be. Not any more! This one is sure to end my career (if it isn’t already over). I hope you enjoy it. I can't tell you how much belief I have in these songs, which is why I persist with with them and what to grow them into something bigger. Thank you for your support! Music adapted & played by Noah Fleetwood Recorded & mixed by Wayne McIntyre Video by Will Freeman
  • Biden Mandates More EVs [semi-satire]

    03/27/2024 10:02:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2024 | John Semmens
    Disappointed in the slow pace of consumer voluntary purchases of electric vehicles (EVs), President Biden is mandating that by 2032 a majority of new cars sold in the US must be either EVs or hybrids. So far US manufacturers have taken huge losses on EVs because only a tiny minority of drivers are willing to buy them. Biden dismissed auto manufacturers' objections by pointing out that "China manufactures these cars for a lot less. If our domestic producers can't hack it there is an alternative that may better fit folks' budgets." Former President Trump predicted that "Biden's mandate will cause...
  • Squatters Allowed to Steal Homes [semi-satire]

    03/26/2024 9:18:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2024 | John Semmens
    Leonel Moreno, a migrant from Venezuela, went on TikTok and advised illegal immigrants "to move into empty houses and claim 'squatters' rights' to gain ownership. Under US law, if a house is not inhabited, anyone can seize it by breaking in and occupying it for a specified period of time." In New York City, intruders who are able to remain on a property for as few as 30 days can legally assert squatter's rights. When Adele Andaloro's parents died they left her the family home. Before she could sell the home three people broke into it, removed the 'for sale'...
  • Trump Announces He Will Pay Entire Bond Using Bags Of Nickels

    03/26/2024 8:31:20 AM PDT · by dayglored · 39 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | Mar 26, 2024 | Babylon Bee
    NEW YORK, NY — After news broke that the bond amount in his fraud case had been lowered from $454 million to $175 million, former President Donald Trump announced he would pay the bond in its entirety with bags of nickels. Trump notified the court that preparations had already been made for a fleet of armored trucks to arrive at the courthouse and begin unloading cases and cases of freshly minted and rolled nickels totaling $175 million. "Beautiful, shiny nickels. So many nickels," Trump said in his announcement. "It's a total sham that I have to pay anything, but...
  • Planet Fitness Rated ‘Best Gym In America’ By The National Association Of Perverts

    03/25/2024 2:32:48 PM PDT · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 17 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | March 22, 2024 | The Babylon Bee
    LOS ANGELES, CA — The National Association Of Perverts (NAP) Rated Planet Fitness 'The Best Gym In America' after learning this week the workout chain giant allows men to use the women's locker rooms whenever they want. "We couldn't be happier to learn that our members will have access to women's changing rooms all over the country," NAP Spokesperson Lester Johnson told reporters. "For years, we perverts have been forced to peep through closed doors and leer around corners. Thankfully, with the rise of the transgender movement, we can now move freely through the women's locker room and stare all...
  • Stormy Daniels Feared for Her Life [semi-satire]

    03/25/2024 11:45:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2024 | John Semmens
    Adult film star Stormy Daniels says she signed a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) for which she was paid $130,000 "because I was terrified I could be killed if I didn't. Other people who knew things about politicians have ended up dead. Both Seth Rich and Vince Foster were shot under mysterious circumstances." Daniels is slated to testify in Trump's election interference trial before Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg. Bragg alleges that voters in 2016 we defrauded when NDAs Trump negotiated to avoid public embarrassment "were essential information needed to assess Trump's fitness for office." Despite the fact that NDAs are legal...
  • New 'SquatBNB' Service Helps Squatters Find Perfect Home To Take Over

    03/25/2024 5:16:56 AM PDT · by servo1969 · 11 replies
    BabylonBee.com ^ | 3-23-2024 | Bee Staff
    U.S. — A new service "SquatBNB" has launched, aimed at helping potential squatters find the home of their dreams to take over. "Far too often, squatters take over a new home without knowing the quality of amenities provided, or difficulties dealing with the host," said SquatBNB CEO Don Carmichael. "Our service will allow squatters to read reviews from other squatters who have stayed at a property and see honest feedback about what each home has to offer. We have millions of homes on our site, ready for immediate squatting -- and the best part is, it's absolutely free!" According to...
  • Who Is The Antichrist? 10 Most Likely Candidates (The Bee)

    03/24/2024 6:49:53 PM PDT · by dynachrome · 16 replies
    Babylonbee ^ | 3-20-24 | Babylonbee
    The increasing unrest around the globe has many people thinking the end of the world is imminent, which means the antichrist is getting ready to take the stage. But who will it be? It's a question that has fascinated theologians for thousands of years. Thankfully, with the proper amount of investigation, the list of potentials can be narrowed down. The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of the ten most likely candidates:
  • "RICO Is Not a Crime" [semi-satire]

    03/24/2024 9:55:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2024 | John Semmens
    In an effort to excuse Joe Biden's participation in the dubious business activities of his son Hunter, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) attempted to rebut Hunter's former business associate Tony Bobulinski's testimony at a House Oversight Committee by asking him "to name a single crime he witnessed Joe Biden commit." Bobulinski cited "corruption statutes, RICO, conspiracy, and FARA (Foreign Agents Registration Act) offenses" when he was interrupted by the Congresswoman's assertion that "RICO is not a crime, it is a category of crimes." Jason Galanis, another former business associate of Hunter, recounted "Hunter got his father on the phone during a...
  • Abortions Surge in 2023 [semi-satire]

    03/23/2024 11:30:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2024 | John Semmens
    In June 2022, the Supreme Court's ruling that the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision establishing a nationwide right to abortion was invalid and that the power to legislate on this issue was reserved to the states. This decision generated a cascade of caterwauling over the "suppression of reproductive rights." Yet, the number of abortions surged to its highest level in a decade during calendar 2023. Dissatisfied that "access to abortion is still not as convenient as it should be," Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-MA), Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI), and Sen. Gary Peters (D-MI) are seeking federal legislation "that will provide a...
  • First Amendment Hamstrings Government [semi-satire]

    03/23/2024 2:49:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 March 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, the Supreme Court heard oral arguments in Murthy v. Missouri. This case focuses on whether govt collusion with social media platforms to censor online speech violates the First Amendment. Justice Samuel Alito questioned "whether it is legal for the US government and big tech to collude to censor speech they don't agree with. I think saying that Facebook and the Federal government should be partners contradicts the words and intent of the First Amendment." Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson disagreed. "My biggest concern is that the First Amendment hamstrings the government in significant ways at the most important times....
  • Chicago Mayor Announces Progress (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/20/2024 2:30:55 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    3/20/24 | RetiredTexasVet
    Chicago Mayor, Brandon Johnson, announced today that significant progress has been made in Chicago since he took over from his predecessor Beetlejuice. Although the number of citizens killed or wounded on a weekly basis has risen, the average educational level of those killed or wounded has risen by half a grade level to a high of 7 and one half years. Additionally, the average educational level of those killing or wounding fellow citizens has risen by a full grade level to 9 years. On the down side, the wounded to killed ratio has risen which has lowered the availability of...
  • Ketanji Brown Jackson Warns Right To Free Speech Could Lead To People Speaking Freely

    03/20/2024 12:46:25 PM PDT · by gattaca · 16 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | March 18, 2024 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — With oral arguments taking place before the United States Supreme Court regarding online censorship, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson issued a grave warning that the right to free speech would mean people could speak freely. As the nation's highest court considers whether the federal government can limit free speech on social media platforms, Justice Jackson expressed alarm at the potential for the First Amendment provision of free speech to allow people to actually say whatever they want. "This is a very dangerous idea," Jackson said. "Having the right to free speech plainly written into the Constitution could set...
  • Court Flips Coin To See If Texas Allowed To Enforce Laws Today

    03/20/2024 10:26:54 AM PDT · by servo1969 · 6 replies
    BabylonBee.com ^ | 3-20-2024 | Bee Staff
    U.S. — Leaders in the Lone Star State awoke this morning eager to learn how they would be able to address the border crisis as a federal court once again flipped a coin to see if Texas would be allowed to enforce laws today. The daily routine, consisting of finding out whether law enforcement officers would have the power to enforce laws depending on the whims of different federal judges, has swung wildly from one day to the next, leaving Texas officials wondering which side of the argument currently had the advantage. "Step right up for the daily coin flip...
  • Coons Makes Case for Biden [semi-satire]

    03/19/2024 8:34:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2024 | John Semmens
    Biden presidential campaign co-chair Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE) cited the disparity in how the government has decided to deal with each man's mishandling of classified documents "as a litmus test that voters can use to determine who they should vote for in November." "Both are public figures who had classified documents in their possession," Coons admitted. "Trump is under indictment on 40 felony charges and could be sent to prison, but President Biden has been cleared of culpability by Special counsel Robert Hur because he is a well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory. President Biden has shown over and...
  • Gen. Mark Milley To Be Knighted (Safe and Effective Satire)

    03/18/2024 4:47:26 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 11 replies
    3/18/24 | RetiredTexasVet
    The awards and honors keep rolling in for the former US CJCS. After receiving an honorary promotion to 6 stars and a consulting job with the CCP, Milley is now to be honored with knighthood. King Charles has selected the order of Benedict Arnold for Milley's knighthood for his outstanding planning and leadership during the Afghanistan retreat. Milley said he was greatly honored to follow in the huge footsteps of Arnold. Milley's former boss, SOD Lloyd Austin, complimented Milley on the honor and hoped he could attain knighthood in the future as the first DEI selectee.
  • Cost-Free Spending on Illegal Migrants [semi-satire]

    03/18/2024 12:37:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2024 | John Semmens
    New York City is paying $387 per day to house and feed each migrant household in taxpayer-funded shelters. Over the course of a year this amounts to $141,255 per household. The median household income in the US is $75,000. A full-time minimum-wage job pays less than $15,000. Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo) asked Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Xavier Becerra "why workers who have to live on less should should be taxed so much for the less than lavish accommodations being provided for illegal immigrants?" Becerra said "we aren't letting New Yorkers bear all the burden of supporting these...
  • Phantom Voters Spark Suit [semi-satire]

    03/17/2024 4:19:51 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, the Republican National Committee (RNC) filed a lawsuit against Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson for violating the National Voter Registration Act (NVRA). The NVRA requires states to remove ineligible voters from the rolls. These ineligible voters include people who have moved or died. Failure to purge the rolls of such persons makes it easier for others to fraudulently cast ballots in the names of these persons. This marks the second time in the last three years that Benson has been sued for not cleaning up the voter rolls. A 2021 suit filed by the Public Interest Legal...