Posted on 12/06/2008 9:45:02 PM PST by Daffynition
Stop us if you’ve heard this one before ...
A Kenosha guy calls the Reader’s Digest hotline and tells a corny joke that, at best, his family said was dumb.
But he’s the one laughing with the $3,000 grand prize, and that’s no joke.
Ron Mlodzik, 71, a retired Bradford High School teacher, is still laughing as he retells the joke and still can’t believe his good fortune.
“I use laughter to lighten up the atmosphere,” he said with a chuckle that turns into a loud laugh. “You know, it’s such a silly joke. I had to talk into a recorder at Reader’s Digest headquarters for their, ‘Tell Us A Joke’ contest. By God, I was one of the five finalists, so I got $2,500. And then I got a phone call and was told I was the grand prize winner, and they were sending me another $500.”
The joke, as told by Mlodzik, goes something like this, though it probably loses something in translation:
“A guy is walking down a dark street, when he hears something behind him. He looks behind him and sees a casket, and it’s going, ‘dum ... dum ... dum ... dum ... ’ and it’s followin’ him. So he gets frightened and goes faster, and the casket goes faster — ‘dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ... ’ So he starts to trot and runs into his apartment building and the casket crashes through the door and comes at him faster, up the stairs — ‘dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum!’ He slams the door, and it crashes through his apartment door, so he runs into his bathroom and he slams the door and he hears, ‘dum ... dum ... dum ... dum ... ’ and he knows it’s going to crash through the door ... then it crashes through the door, and he grabs the only thing he can. He grabs a bottle of cough syrup and he throws it at the casket ... and it stops the coffin!”
Yep. That’s the joke.
Mlodzik can’t stop laughing as he thinks about it.
“I told my kids the joke, they all thought it was the dumbest joke around,” he said, still laughing. “But I did it with a lot of sound effects.”
Andy Simmons, humor editor for Reader’s Digest, is a guy who has seen it and heard it all when it comes to jokes, and said Mlodzik’s was simply the best out of hundreds of entries.
“You know, he’s got a great delivery,” Simmons said. “Being in the humor department, we hear these jokes all the time, I’ve heard them all a thousand times. I even heard his joke before, but it’s the way he delivered it. Most people have that fast patter: ‘A guy walks into a bar ... ’ but he had this nice, slow delivery.”
Simmons said Reader’s Digest should have Mlodzik’s joke — as he recorded it — along with the other finalists, on the Web site very soon.
If there are any other stand-up-comedians-in-training, Reader’s Digest is next planning, “The Funniest Joke in the World” contest, that will be open to readers in the 50 different countries where the magazine is published.
Simmons said there will be another cash award, and those who think they have the biggest laugh-getter of all can find more information at www.readersdigest.com in a week or so.
In the meantime, Mlodzik’s got plans for his windfall.
“I suppose I’ll spend it on taxes and give it to charity,” he said. “God played a role in this. I’ll give it back to God.”
Ah yes! The worlds funniest joke!
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening.
They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi- conscious man in a pool of blood.
“Help me, I’ve been mugged and viciously beaten,” he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague,
“You know the person that did this really needs help.”
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news.”
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday”
LOL ... YOU should have been the groaner-winner!
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Not to nitpick ... in 1862 Custer was a young officer in the Union Army very busy with the Civil War. The Indians came later ... 1876.
Funny, and yet.....sad. Very, very sad.
Now THAT’S funny, Granpa!
...and at that point he was only a colonel. After the war there was a glut of generals. Custer served in the west as a general.
A half hour later, the judge called them back, and told the Harvard grad to go first. He stood up and said,
"Across the burning desert sands, there came an Arab caravan, on camels trotting two by two, their destination, Timbuktu".
Very good, said the judge. He then turned to the Okie and said, your turn. The Okie stood up, and his poem went like this,
"Tim and I a hunting went, we came upon three whores in a tent, the whores were three and we were were two, so I bucked one and Tim bucked two."
The Okie won!
Little Raliegh grew up in New Orleans before everything was air conditioned. One evening his mother sent him to the store for some coffee. On the way to the store, through an open window, he saw a woman lying on her bed naked, rubbing herself all over, moaning, “ I want a man. I want a man.” On his way home, he looked in the woman’s window and there she was with a man on top of her. He ran home as fast as he could and threw the coffee onto the kitchen table. Without saying a word, he ran into the bedroom, stripped off his clothes, laid down on the bed and started rubbing himself all over, moaning, “I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle.”
What does an agnostic dislexic insomniac do?
He stays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
I understand, in space, no one can hear you groan ...
A duck walks into an auto hobby shop and says to the clerk, “Do you have any duct tape?”
The clerk shakes his head and says “Nope. We don’t carry none.” The duck sighs and exits.
The duck comes in the next day and asks the clerk, “Do you have any duct tape?”
The Clerk rolls his eyes and says “No.” This goes on for a few weeks. Eventually the Clerk gets very annoyed and threatens the duck. “If come in here one more time and ask for one more duct tape roll, I’ll staple your feet to the floor!”
The duck comes back the next day and asks the clerk, “Do you have any staples?”
“No.”
“Good. Do you have any Duct tape?”
My dog’s got no nose
How does he smell?
Awful!
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.” The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”
“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
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