Posted on 09/07/2009 4:29:50 AM PDT by raccoonradio
Stephanie Kahn wanted to bask in her engagement for a few hours before diving into the task of calling aunts, uncles and good friends with the big news. And even before she could call them, she had a surprise party to attend, one that her fiance had set up for their parents and her "closest group of girlfriends."
That party was when Kahn lost control of her news. Some of the guests took photos and were "uploading them on Facebook before I could even post anything," Kahn said from Smyrna, Ga., where she lives. "Of course the next morning I get a couple of calls, text messages from people I didn’t call. They found out on Facebook. I think some people were a little upset."
In an age in which instant news and constant life streams from Facebook and Twitter change the way we communicate, the rules of etiquette surrounding these interactions are still evolving.
What happens when I expected a phone call about something and read about it in a status update instead? What’s the polite response to a distant friend posting bad news on Facebook? What to do with sensitive information?
Making matters trickier, good etiquette on Facebook might not apply on Twitter or in an e-mail. These days, milestones like marriage, pregnancy, breakups and divorce are being described over more forms of communications than ever.
"Because it’s so new, there is sort of a gray area of what the manners are," said Brian McGee, a 33-year-old father-to-be in Charlotte, N.C.
He’d just gotten his first BlackBerry when he and his wife were driving to a doctor’s appointment to learn the baby’s sex. He had the BlackBerry out and was thumbing something.
"I was like, ’What are you doing?’ recalled his wife, Megan Gelaburt-McGee. "He was posting that we were on the way to the doctor’s office to find out the baby’s sex. I said, ’Don’t post that!’"
She said she wanted to tell her close friends the baby’s gender personally, though she didn’t mean an in-person visit. She didn’t even mean a phone call. Instead, she drew the universal female symbol on her belly, had a friend take a photo and sent it in an e-mail to as many as 20 people: cousins, aunts and uncles, bridesmaids, friends she’d known for a very long time.
"We (weren’t) going to keep the sex of the baby a secret," she said. "But I don’t want to have my cousin find out through Facebook."
Online social networks haven’t been around long enough to develop hard and fast etiquette rules, but general guidance is emerging. Just as most people learned that it’s annoying to yell on a cell phone in public or to hit "reply all" when responding to just one person in a mass e-mail, social media-savvy folks are finding it’s unwise to, say, post unflattering images of friends without their consent.
Etiquette adviser Anna Post, the great-great-granddaughter of manners icon Emily Post, recommends taking a step back before rushing to type, whether it’s good news about you or a response to someone else’s bad news.
Indeed, tweets and status updates posted in the heat of a moment can quickly backfire. In July, a New York City government aide resigned after posting inflammatory Facebook comments about the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. The aide, Lee Landor, had called Gates a racist and referred to President Barack Obama as "O-dumb-a." The lesson? Know your audience, especially if they will complain to your boss.
A decade or two ago, communicating important news electronically rather than in a letter was frowned upon. Now an e-mail is considered acceptable for many situations, but even people comfortable with that might draw the line at social networks, which feel more like public or semipublic venues.
After all, the average person has 120 "friends" on Facebook, according to the company. In real life, the average North American has about three very close friends and 20 people they are pretty close to, said Barry Wellman, a sociologist at the University of Toronto. This means people may sometimes forget just who is reading their status updates, and can let their guard down.
"The word Facebook uses, ’friend,’ of course isn’t true," Wellman said. "Many people Facebook calls friends are not friends but maybe acquaintances or former friends."
Facebook has done some studies on how people decide what information they share and how to share it. In one, Cameron Marlow, a research scientist at Facebook, explored with his team what tends to dictate the number of photos that people upload on the site. It turns out the number wasn’t based on how many of their friends showed approval for the photos by clicking that they liked them, or how many comments were left on each.
"Rather, it was based on how many photos your friends uploaded," he said. "Social norms are constantly being developed based on what friends do."
>>These days, milestones like marriage, pregnancy, breakups and divorce are being described over more forms of communications than ever.
Along with pertinent info like "...is eating chips while keeping an eye on the TV"
>>In July, a New York City government aide resigned after posting inflammatory Facebook comments about the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. The aide, Lee Landor, had called Gates a racist and referred to President Barack Obama as "O-dumb-a." The lesson? Know your audience, especially if they will complain to your boss.
hadn't heard that...
< |:)~
and how about people who post that they’re having a ball on vacation, doing this, doing that...
—then by sheer coincidence when they get home they find it’s been broken into, things stolen. Thanks for announcing you’re away for a week or two! (Did hear of at least one such
incident!) And wasn’t there a myspace or facebook related case where people said there would be a party at a certain place and all sorts of people showed up—only there WAS no party, and things got rowdy, and...
It said don’t post that.
But I did. :)
Yeah, I got subjected to that nonsense on there this week.
On the other hand, you can always join FreeRepublic on Facebook!
Gezzzz, this is one of those- if it hurts don’t do it moments! If her name was Sherry we could ask if she wants a little Whine with that Cheese...bunch of whiney little bitches! Just like, when people have to resign cause they told the truth; and yes Gates and the President are racists.
..anybody else think she's popping gum while speaking with reporter?
I don't have anywhere near that many.
Maybe I'd do better on an Anti-Social Network.
Nor do I, I have no facebook account. And do not plan to.
The only reason I signed up for Twitter was news from Elections in Iran. That account has caused me a lot of grief, the Dem trolls have hacked the system and can remove your posts and attach “followers” that cannot be removed except by the administrators. It is better lately, but it is a continuing problem. Netroots are crazy, but technically savey.
I can't imagine spending all day reading and posting "tweets".
yup—I think the “party that wasn’t supposed to happen” was over in England IIRC
how do you do that?
LOL. Cue the Benny Hill music.
Well, I am on Facebook but try not to get too much into it (and scan right over the lib stuff). I did just do a post about how absurd it was that Michael Moore, who made millions via books and movies distributed by big huge
corporations, was saying capitalism is evil (and threw in a plug for the Moore spoof An American Carol). Now I’ll prob get called a Rethuglican far right wacko.
The internet could be so much more than it is. However, until a greater majority of it’s users become as sophisticated as content may be conducive to, it’s going to look like it’s stuck on stupid.
I have friends and family all over the Unied States (and Iraq). My nephew in Iraq can keep up with family and can communicate with his family although he can only get access about two or three times a month.
I describe facebook to those that are not familiar with is as sitting on the front porch chatting to friends and neighbors as they walk by.
For the most part is it simple every day stuff, some family stuff, and on occassions some serious stuff.
I am now communicating and learning things about my many nieces and nephews I would never have learned at our yearly get togethers. We have become closer.
Occasionally one of the younger ones will forget that the entire family can see their post, but a gentle (private) reminder from one of their elders keep the messages family friendly. (I know some of them also have My Space account where the “adults” are not allowed where they can get a little more “wild”.
As for photos, I have thousands of family photos going back to the late 1800. I have posted a lot, and for most this would be the first time they seen photos of their grandparents and greatgrandparents as well as distance cousins and uncles and aunts.
I also make it clear that if anyone objects to any photos they only need to ask and I will remove them.
Can facebook be abused? Certainly, all technology can be. But as it stands today I think it does more good than bad.
Needless to say I am careful with what I post which is no different than being at a family function and not making a fool of yourself.
I agree. I’m way to busy with every day life to waste any more time on the computer or phone for that matter.
Consideration and manners are no longer social norms, it seems. Well, neither are chastity, patriotism, or even punctuality. Luckily, we have body piercing, tattoos, and sexting to take the place of those anachronistic mores.
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