Posted on 05/14/2004 9:15:32 AM PDT by areafiftyone
1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" Flight Attendant crew,the Pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants."
2. On landing, the Stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane"
4. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
7. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
8. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
9. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
10. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
11. And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
12. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the Airline's fault, it wasn't the Pilot's fault, it wasn't the Flight Attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
13. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
14. Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
15. An Airline Pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our Airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the Pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
16. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
17. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
18. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
19. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
Got anything to clean the pieces of my lung off the monitor?
Going from Albuquerque to St. Louis once, I heard the following:
"Welcome to xxx Airlines flight from Albuquerque to St. Louis. If St. Louis was not in your travel plans, it is now."
thanks - its been a weird AM
You are most welcome. We need a little humor once in a while.
LOL
There are three smoking sections aboard our plane...smoking, Non Smoking,..and Burned beyond recognition."
ROLFMAO
Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Once when Muhammed Ali was flying, the stewardess came over and asked him to fasten his seatbelt. Ali told the stewardess, "Superman don't need no seatbelt". The stewardess replied, "Champ, Superman don't need no plane".
How can you tell you are having dinner at a pilot's house? He's the one putting the plates on the floor at the end of the meal.
What is the difference between an Airbus A-320, and a Black & Decker chain saw? About 320 trees a minute.
How many captains does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, he holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
Over heard during a safety demonstration: "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways outta this airplane so you better pay attention!
Before the no-smoking announcement: "This is a nonsmoking flight. If you must smoke, please ring your attendant-call bell and one of us will escort you out to the wing."
After the no-smoking announcement: "Any passenger caught smoking the lavoratories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
"Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."After landing: "After landing: Thank you for flying Delta. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stops screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide quickly which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
This was overheard on an American Airlines flight on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
An airline pilot had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying with us". He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
Cabin Attendant makes the following chatter to the passengers: "Ladies andgentleman... we will be landing at Walfish Bay Airport soon. It might be interesting to know, that while the airport is 12 miles inland, it is exactly at sea level." A few minutes later the Pilot SLAMS the aircraft down on the runway, and is heard to mutter over the PA: Damn! Did not realise sea level was THAT high..."
Here's a rough landing line, actually happened in San Jose, California on the AirCal (before American bought them and ruined them):
Flight Attendant: "Let's all congratulate Captain ____. This was his first solo landing. And his second and third!"
;^)
Owwwwww. Cruel, but true, and I know what this is referring to, LOL.
}:-)4
An Airbus A320 can take down trees faster than a B&D chain saw?
I was on a SW flight that had a difficult time getting reacquainted with the ground, and the FA said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've just landed ... landed ... landed in Nashville."
Michael
About ten years ago I took a short flight from Los Angeles to San Diego on an American Eagle flight. It was a small plane with only the pilot and a co-pilot, but it was a memorable filght. The pilot began by saying that we would be taking off just as soon as he had taken his medication and settled down. Then, he invited us to call at any time for a magazine, a drink, or a pillow; our comfort was American Eagle's first concern. Although they were without flight attendants, he said, they would simply tie the controls off with a short piece of rope they kept handy for that purpose, and both he and his co-pilot would come back into the cabin and do all they could to assist us.
ping
Heard on a Southwest flight: "The Department of Transportation says that you can stand on a bus going 55 miles an hour, and the BART police say that you can stand on a train going 70 mph, but the FAA says that you are not allowed to stand up while we taxi to the gate at 5mph, so please stay in your seats until the captain turns off the Seatbelts light...
Thanks!
This one is not really funny, just a bit of local color: After a stuffy flight from NYC to Chicago, the steward on the Chicago-to-Portland flight got the weather report wrong, then shouted, "What do we care about the weather? WE'RE GOIN' TO PORTLAND!!!"
Perhaps the ultimate expression of, ahem, "individuality" on thepart of an aircrew ocured years ago at NYC's LaGuardia airport, when an Eastern Airlines pilot, fed up with sitting on the tarmac for 3 HOURS waiting for take-off clearance, announced on the cabin mike and to the tower.."F**k it! I'm outta here".. then left his seat, went back to the cabin, opened the door, dropped the rope ladder to the ground, climbed down, walk right across the runways, the taxiways, the tarmac, to the parking lot, got in his car, and drove home...never to fly again, leaving the plane, co-pilot and passengers sitting in astonishment. When interviewed back at the gate, to which the co-pilot then taxied the plane, many of the passengers wanted to know where was Alan Funt...
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