Fathers And Abortion: Men Hurt Too

Priests For Life ^ | Undated | Frank Pavone

[J.R.R. Tolkien]

Fathers and Abortion

Men Hurt Too

(Fathers suffer from the abortion of their children...While the prochoice movement ignores the rights of fathers in this area, the pro-life movement acknowledges their pain and offers healing forgiveness, and a strong affirmation of the value of fatherhood.)

If you're facing an abortion decision, or if there's one in your past, there's something you should know.

Evidence is mounting that the fathers of aborted children can be dramatically affected by an abortion decision.

Why are you affected?

In many ways men respond very differently to the loss of a child from abortion. To understand your reaction, it is important to first understand what motivates the human male.

Instinct drives men to achieve success in five key areas of their lives: the ability to procreate, provide, protect, perform and [enjoy] pleasure.

An important element motivating men is their desire to procreate. Men provide an essential role in the continuation of the human race. Almost every man, whether he verbalizes it or not, values the idea of having offspring of his own flesh and blood - carrying on the family name or bloodline.

Men are also highly programmed to protect their family. This need to protect their offspring should not be underestimated.

Society often judges you based on your ability to be successful at procreation, provision, protection, performance and pleasure. If you experience an abortion, these key elements of life may be seriously damaged, or often totally obliterated. (1)

The symptoms

The most consistent and evident symptom in men due to loss of a child from abortion is anger. He will almost certainly experience a higher level of anger after the abortion than before. In addition, it is highly likely that he will act on that anger in some way that is harmful to him or someone else.

His anger and frustration at not being able to protect and provide for his unborn baby, because of abortion, may manifest itself in other ways.

He may turn to alcohol and drugs to dull the pain of knowing he participated in or was too "weak" to prevent the death of his unborn baby.

He may become a workaholic to avoid contact with other people, or in a desperate need to succeed in a crucial aspect of his life - countering the abortion experience.

He may be unable to hold a job due to an inability to handle decision making.

Or he may be an excessive risk-taker in work and social environments, setting himself up for failure. This may come from the feeling that he deserves what he gets for being a "loser" and failing when it counted most - protecting his unborn baby.

Once the abortion takes place, the odds are overwhelmingly against a successful relationship with the mother of his unborn child. (2)

In addition, future relationships with women are often difficult or impossible. A woman has total control over the decision to abort his baby, leaving him no legal recourse. This lack of control regarding a critical, life-impacting decision often generates considerable resentment and mistrust toward the woman. As a result of a past abortion, he may not want to be put into a situation where another pregnancy may occur and he has no control of the outcome.

Men may suffer from a form of sexual dysfunction such as impotency. Some become addicted to pornography and masturbation - allowing them to experience sexual gratification while maintaining control. Some men experiment with homosexuality because it allows them to have a "successful" sexual relationship with no commitment and no worry of pregnancy.

Other symptoms include sleeplessness, panic attacks, poor coping skills, flashbacks, nightmares, self-imposed isolation or suicidal tendencies.

Dealing with the symptoms

The loss from abortion may have affected a man dramatically. However, he may not be aware that it could be the root-cause of his problems.

Society makes it doubly tough for men to deal with the aftermath of an abortion decision. First, many psychologists don't acknowledge that women suffer psychological after-effects of abortion. As a result, they're even less likely to acknowledge his. Secondly, men are often taught as children that it is less than manly to show weakness or cry.

It's OK to grieve for the baby you will never see or hold in your arms. It's OK to cry for your profound loss. Cry as much and as often as you need. You need to grieve to help heal the loss and shame.

Find somebody to talk to. The worst thing you can do is hold it inside. (3) Share your grief and shame with someone you can confide in. It helps to talk it out. A trusted friend or counselor may help you see things more clearly.

Almost every woman who has begun the road to recovery after her abortion has given credit to the fact that she returned to, or discovered, her religious faith. That has proven to be also true with men. If possible, consult with a member of the clergy. Experience the joy of knowing you have complete, divine forgiveness. This will enable you to move on to the next crucial stage of obtaining that God-given peace within yourself.

Always remember...

If you're suffering from the loss of a child from abortion, there's help for you. You're not alone. The feelings you are experiencing are also felt by millions of other men. Compassionate men and women, many of whom have also experienced abortion, are willing to assist you in dealing with this loss. Contact: Life Issues Institute, 1721 W. Galbraith Rd., Cincinnati, OH 45239, (513) 729-3600, e-mail: LifeIssues@aol.com We will be able to put you in touch with someone who can help. Make the call today.

Bradley Mattes
Life Issues Institute

1 A-Shostak, Abortion &Men: Lessons, Losses & Love, NY: Praeger, 1984.
2 Gail B. Williams, PhD, Dissertation Abstracts Int'l, Vol. 53, No. 3, Sept. 1992.
3 J Lasker, LJ Toedter, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 61(4):5 10, Oct. 199 1.

Additional copies: One free with self-addressed stamped
envelope; 50/$11.00 (plus post.); 100/$20.00 (plus post.);
500/$80.00 (plus post.); 1,000/S 150.00 (plus post.).

Hayes Publishing Co., Inc., 6304 Hamilton Ave.
Cincinnati, Ohio 45224 e-mail: hayespub@aol.com
Ph: (513)681-7559 Ph/Fax:(513) 681-9298
c 1997 Hayes Pub. Co.

 

Priests for Life
PO Box 141172
Staten Island, NY 10314
Tel. 888-PFL-3448, (718) 980-4400
Fax 718-980-6515
Email mail@priestsforlife.org

Subscribe to Fr. Frank's bi-weekly prolife column (free): subscribe@priestsforlife.org 

Click Here to See What Abortion Looks Like

Home
Search  || Crisis Pregnancy Help || About Us ll Support our Work
Latest News  || Guestbook || About Other Groups

This site is updated daily!

Online Hosting by: Catholic Online

 

 

[Helix]

What a wonderful post. All aspects of fatherhood are too often overlooked these days.

[lsee]

The most consistent and evident symptom in men due to loss of a child from abortion is anger.

Anger? While this may be a justifiable response for a man who had no part in the woman's decision to abort, does a man who condones his child's abortion feel anger, too? Or was this article strictly about the former and not the latter? If unmarried, the man's reaction to the pregnancy is often anger. And if the woman decides NOT to abort, the man often refuses to acknowledge the child as his. So much for protecting his progeny. So I guess the reaction to abortion and pregnancy itself might be different based on the man's values and character?

[Brad’s Gramma]

BTTT

[HaveGunWillTravel]

I believe that men who react negatively to a women who they are not married to getting pregnant are not reacting to the prospect of having a child as much as the prospect of being at the mercy of the woman, who is not sworn to honor and obey him, suddenly having a huge amount of unwanted leverage over him and his child. Leverage which she is quite capable of abusing in an enormous way. As far as the man not acknowledging or wanting to abort his child, this is probably more of an effort to nuetralize the woman's power over him than a true rejection of his child.

[HaveGunWillTravel]

If men did not have to worry about becoming the indentured servant of the woman, under pain of imprisonment, I'm sure that less would call for their child's abortion. There are many men who will tell you that they have no problem supporting their child. They have a big problem supporting the woman.

[lsee]

I agree with your statements that many women abuse the power of pregnancy and child-rearing. This is a risk men take even in marriage, which is why they should consider carefully who they marry. Yet unmarried men can avoid the unwanted leverage and financial squeeze in a very basic way. They basically take on the risk of a bad outcome each time they sleep with a woman who is not their wife. But then again, the women are risking a bad outcome as well.

[J.R.R. Tolkien]

A worth-checking-out thread for every one who cares about good fathers, and indeed, the very fundamental concept of biological fatherhood, designed by God and Nature, so many years ago.

[HaveGunWillTravel]

All true. Like everything else, there is a right way and a wrong way to do something.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

<= = = Tennessee_Bob first thing in the morning

[homeschool mama]

bump

[HowlinglyMind-BendingAbsurdity]

The really "sad" part of this is that contemporary American society encourages dysfunctional approaches to love, sex, and marriage. Casual sex and promiscuity (sex without a real relationship supporting it) are glamorized by the entertainment industry in things like "Friends" and "Sex and the City." Few real or harsh consequences are ever depicted. Children are devalued. They are an "inconvenience" which can be "planned" out of one's life. Women have been masculinized. Careerism is promoted while motherhood is devalued. We have women having their first child around 40 or so now.

The sources of traditional values (Christian churches) are ridiculed. In many cases, the pregnancy which sets up the abortion is the product of a one night stand or casual sex. The couple has not had time to develop a mature and loving relationship. Women are now taught (by the media and especially by "women's magazines") to use sex as a weapon in manipulating men. Many relationships fail because both the man and the woman have been systematically moronized with disinformation by the media. What they expect from life and from each other is totally unrealistic. They divorce because they are "bored" or because their lives of mutual narcissism have not made them "happy." They blame the spouse rather than face their own banality and the culture around them.

An abortion is the the culmination of a whole series of disasters, tragedies, wrongs, and lies - much of it promoted by the cultural elite. An unborn child is now an "embryo" on a biotech assembly line, considered eligible for cloning and use in medical treatments as a "part" to be installed in an adult stranger suffering from Parkinson's or whatever. Abortion and fetal tissue harvesting are part of the larger tragedy of modern culture. But you have to look closely at the people and organizations promoting this tragic vision for human life. People like the Clintons and Al Gore. You have to ask where these ideas are coming from and the type of worldview and ideology which make them possible as social realities. They didn't pop out of a magician's hat. The history of the fever swamps of secular humanism and scientific materialism holds some clues.

[Tennessee_Bob]

LOL...no..I need more caffeine than that....

[realpatriot71]

Thanks for the ping. It was an interesting read, although I rarely get involved in abortion discussions anymore. I seem to upset people on both sides of the issue.

[Inkie]

What's the matter with you people? Dontcha know that women are a special protected group, not obliged to show any responsibility to anyone but themselves, including an unborn child trapped in their ungrateful, selfish, dictatorial body? They answer to no one, have rights above any and all others, including the right to say, "oops, change my mind" when they are 8 months and 2 weeks pregnant and thus allowed to kill defenseless children completely viable and capable of life outside the womb.

[Inkie]

What's the matter with you people? Dontcha know that women are a special protected group, not obliged to show any responsibility to anyone but themselves, including an unborn child trapped in their ungrateful, selfish, dictatorial body? They answer to no one, have rights above any and all others, including the right to say, "oops, change my mind" when they are 8 months and 2 weeks pregnant and thus are allowed to kill defenseless children completely viable and capable of life outside the womb.

[realpatriot71]

"What's the matter with you people? Dontcha know that women are a special protected group . . . "

Was this directed at me?

[riley1992]

As far as the man not acknowledging or wanting to abort his child, this is probably more of an effort to nuetralize the woman's power over him than a true rejection of his child.

Try telling that to the child.

[Harrison Bergeron]

"However, he may not be aware that it could be the root-cause of his problems."

I am definitely a pro-lifer, but the above - telling someone you know the reasons for his problems and he doesn't - is hogwash borrowed from social liberals. IMHO, reaching for pseudo-scientific pop psychology arguments against abortion only hurts the cause.

[GreaserX]

Funny this was posted today. I was mourning my dead little one today. It has been 14 years and it never gets any better. :(