FReeper Canteen~Humor Break~05Oct.06

[AZamericonnie]

 

Humor Break



ID Check

A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The policy was to check 100% of ID cards including military in uniform. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both ID cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station CO and didn't have time for such nonsense....

Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."

...PFC to driver: "Don't do that."

...Admiral to driver: "You heard me, Drive on."

...PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45:

"Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"

The admiral showed his ID.



~~Superman Returns Game~~



~~Drunk Stop~~



Air Force

Recently I was given a list of actual responses made to squawks, the Air Force term for maintenance complaints by pilots.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

~~Lazy Ramadi~~


Awwww......:)

~~Ping Pong Anyone?~~



~~Don't Touch My Bone~~

A little too hooah

Your kids call the sandbox "NTC".
Your wife has mermites in the China Cabinet.
Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry".
When your wife left you, you had a Change of Command.
Your wife carries a buttpack instead of a Gucci purse.
Your kids would rather get SIMNET than Nintendo 64.
When your family gets together, you call them "Slice Elements".
You butter your toast with a bayonet.
If your kids get a wrong answer in school they immediately drop and knock out 20.
Your personal license plate says "At Ease".
All of your kids' names begin with "AR".
Your grandmother won the Week of the Eagles.
Your POV has your name stenciled on the windshield.
Anyone using the TV remote control must dispatch it first.
Your kids are hand receipt holders.
Your kids practice Drill and Ceremony at recess.
Your dog's name is "Ranger".
Your kids pull night guard shifts by the mailbox.
Your wife has a better high and tight than your commander.
Your kids sound off with "Airborne" or "Air Assault" every time their left foot hits the ground.
Your wife won't buy anything unless it has a National Stock Number.
Your kids have to wax and buff the floor before going to school.
When your dog died, he got a 21-gun salute at Arlington.
Your kids call their teachers "REMFs" and the other kids at school "legs."
Your daughter's dolls wear starched uniforms.
Your daughter complained that her new Barbie's hair wasn't within regulation and then cut it.
If your kids fail a test, they get a Letter of Reprimand and an Article 15.
Your kids salute their grandparents.
Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
All your meals at home are MREs.
Your kids painted their Big Wheels camouflage and stuck bumper numbers on them.
All your household possessions were issued by CIF.
Your kids get sent to the "big house" at Leavenworth if they're disrespectful.
Your kids complain if they can't have gym class five days a week.
Everyone does six pullups before sitting down at the dinner table.

~~A Perfect Car For Women~~





**This Link Rated PG**

Just a little levity for our Troops & their families. Have at it folks!

[tongue-tied]

Oh connie I'd forgotten about the car! Nothing worse than being ripped off like that. Here's hoping the insurance covers it and then doesn't raise the rates through the roof.

[tongue-tied]

ML...as stressful as it all is, just remember you're down to 35!!

[tongue-tied]

Gooooood morning Ma! How's the day been?

[tongue-tied]

It has been good, woke up in a good mood and the moon is full so walking around is easy and safe. A nice 81 degrees but no clouds...:(

[AZamericonnie]

Full moon? Safe? Okey dokey!:)

[SevenofNine]

Now getting veryyyy interesting there is report off Drudge site Nancy peolsi don't want Louis Freech to investigate the page program care to explain NANCY GIRL

[AZamericonnie]

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

[Pusterfuss]

Hi Tom.

[tongue-tied]

Safe for walking in the (not so) dark. Other than that, the usual loony stuff is expected to bloom full along with the moon tonight.

Already busier than normal, so we'll have to wait and see just HOW crazy it gets.

[Kathy in Alaska]

Catching up..........

BLAM!! LOL!!

[Lady Jag]

[MozartLover]

Yes!

....and believe me........it helps a lot to remember that.:)

Ev is my favorite "sounding board" when I am grappling with "stuff".......he's a great listener.....gives good advice.......and I miss our talks.

He's always told me he feels that he can talk to me about anything. I feel that way too. Of all my kids he's the one who's easiest to talk to.

Gosh I miss that kid.

[Lady Jag]

NINE-NINE-NINE

[Kathy in Alaska]

From Arrowhead

Things A Cat Should Always Remember

I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not knead my male human's groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper!"

I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she is on the floor trying to do situps.

I will not give the vet a urine or stool sample unless he requests it.

And finally, I will remember that any critter that lives in the house, like hamsters, stays in the house; and any critters that live outside, like frogs and worms, stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

[luvie]

Silly goose! :D

Sure hope you can come. We are going to have a BALL and you would fit right in with the TARDS! :D

[Kathy in Alaska]

SAN FRANCISCO / 7 G's on a bagel and a bottle of water -- the reporter as a Blue Angel / Navy's show pilots are a highlight of Fleet Week Reporter Henry Lee gives a thumbs-up as F/A-18 Hornet jet pilot Lt. Kevin Davis taxies for takeoff. Chronicle photo by Frederic Larson

Reporter Henry Lee fulfills a lifelong dream as he takes off on a Blue Angels F/A-18 Hornet jet. Chronicle photo by Frederic Larson

[Kathy in Alaska]

Plugged: Are there no smaller nooks at Siberia's Krasnoyarsk zoo? Poor Yegor here looks like he's trying to eat a lightbulb. The 3-month-old's mother refused to nurse him, so zookeepers are bottle-feeding the baby baboon.

[AZamericonnie]

Well here's hoping & praying that things stay calm! Thunderboomers rolling over here. There are these strange water molecules falling from the sky!:)

[Kathy in Alaska]

Thai dye: Purple nail polish is all the rage in Ayutthaya, Thailand, where bacteria-laden floodwater has been causing infections. The inky disinfectant should keep mother and calf from catching a foot disease, and some on the trunk doesn't hurt either.

[tongue-tied]

hehehe...rog. "Tards"