FreeRepublic Minute Men
TERRORIST ACTS IMMINENT
CULPEPPER ~ Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) officials called an emergency press conference in the sleepy town of Culpepper this morning to inform tabloid journalists of impending terrorist attacks. FEMA spokesperson Buddy Himmler made a brief presentation outlining possible acts of terrorism and what steps the government has taken to preserve order.
Himmler told reporters that unknown political terrorists, already located in the country, are planning on using anthrax and nuclear bombs to attack the American government. Himmler was unable to explain why these insurgents would take such actions but was able to discuss their bizarre beliefs. According to Buddy, the terrorists have adopted the strange ideas contained in a mysterious ancient document. Little is known about the document by Federal officials other than it was written centuries ago by evil men. Officials have been unable to obtain an actual copy of the terrorist manifesto.
Government terrorism specialists believe there are a large number of "terrorist cells" operating within U.S. borders. Many of the insurgents operate outside the system in violation of laws and cultural norms. Often the terrorists do not have bank accounts, do not pay taxes, and do not use credit cards. According to Himmler, the terrorists live like gypsies and are difficult to monitor.
A number of precautions have already been taken and more safeguards are planned. Local police forces have been militarized, the National Guard is conducting mobilization exercises, Army and Marine special forces have been trained in urban warfare operations, NATO forces are on alert, and weapon confiscation efforts are underway. It is believed that plans to eliminate currency and electricity on December 31st will prevent many acts of terrorism against the government. Himmler said the public should rest assured that they have nothing to worry about thanks to clever planning by the Imperial President.
FEMA officials came to Culpepper yesterday when FBI agants found an abandoned vehicle containing a suspicious flag. Experts on terrorism believe the flag, which features the image of a poisonous snake, belongs to a terrorist cell known as the Culpepper Minute Men. According to Himmler, this anti-government group is considered armed and dangerous.
Like the captured terrorist flag shown below, many of the flags used by terrorists incorporate hate-speach slogans such as "don't tread on me" and "liberty or death". After being photographed for evidentary purposes, FBI agents typically burn the terrorist flags when they are confiscated. Experts on terrorism urge citizens to avoid persons possessing suspicious flags and to alert the FBI immediately if such flags are seen.
