Actually, this joke is based on a true story. Steinmetz pulled this on Henry Ford back in the early years of the 20th century.
Max: Okay so well doo-doo-doo, uh, energy goes like one over wavelength so wavelength goes like one over potential and just plug a few rough numbers in here, h is about 1 times ten to the minus 34, yeah, so order of magnitude here's yer answer dude...
Bud: Hmmmmmmmmrrrggghhh energy equals Planck's constant times the speed of light in vacuum divided by wavelength, right? Lemme look that up. So h, Planck's constant, is 6.63[blah blah blah] times ten to the minus 34 power, and that's in Joules so I have to convert it to flabs per quadrupic centipedes, blah-dee blah-dee blah, where's my calculator, wait I missed a significant digit, wait how the hell does potential come into this?
Bwahaha... Engineers have no vision of the bigger picture. That's all I got to say. Thermo? Thermodynamics is PV = nRT to us, dude...
Chemical Engineers do it in Packed Beds.
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients
one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor
vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add
ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is
homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three
equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally,
add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care
must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw
extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a
316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time
that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate
expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Coffee | Nose > Keyboard
Translated:
That sent coffee out my nose and onto my keyboard.
Shalom.
For all those who know an engineer or at least tell engineer jokes, enjoy…
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map… the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if:
... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college you thought “Spring Break” was metal fatigue failure.
... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife/girlfriend a new CD-ROM drive (or a Palm Pilot) for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... You've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Subject: Ticket, please
Potty Training for Engineers...
3 Apple engineers and 3 Microsoft employees are traveling by train
to a conference. At the station, the 3 Microsoft employees each buy
tickets and watch as the 3 Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train.
The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple
engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the
Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a
restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves
his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees
are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
1. The work we want did is clearly showed on the attatched plans and speserfaction. Our inginear, whose had plenty of college, done spent hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and speserfactions. But nobody connot think of everything. Once your bid is in, that’s it brother. From then on, anything wanted by our inginear, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except the contrakter) shall be considered as showed specified, or emplied and shall be pervided by the contrakter without the expense to nobody, but hisself (menin the contrakter).
2. If the work is did without no extry expence to the contrakter, then the work will be tookdown and did over again until the extry expence to the contrakter is satisfactory to our inginear.
3. Our inginear’s plans is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed wrong, it shall be discuvered by the contrakter, kerected, and did right with no extry expence to us. It won’t cut no ice with us or our inginear if you point out any mistakes our inginear has drawed. If you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any more work for us or him (meanin the inginear).
4. The contrakter is not sposed to make fun of the inginear, his plans, or the kind of work we’re havin did. If he do, it’s just too bad for him (meanin the contrakter).
5. Any contrakter walkin around the job with a smile on his or her face is subject to the revue of his bid.
6. If the contrakter don’t find all our inginears mistakes before he bids this job, or if the contrakter aint got enuf sence to know that our inginears goin to thinkup a bunch of new stuff that’s goin to have to be did before the job is completely did, then it’s just too bad for him (meanin the contrakter)
7. The contrakter gotta use all good stuff on this job-- none of this crap from Japan.
Definition of an Engineer
"An engineer is one who passes as an exacting expert on the strength of being able to turn out with prolific fortitude strings of incomprehensible formulae calculated with micrometric precision from extremely vague assumptions which are based on debatable figures acquired from inconclusive tests and quite incomplete experiments carried out with instruments of problematic accuracy by persons of doubtful reliability and rather dubious mentality with particular anticipation of disconcerting and annoying everyone outside their own fraternity."
Loved the ones you posted also. Am going to copy them for future chuckles!
an engineers mind absolutely does work differently from others...sometimes I dont understand anything my son says, when he talks about work...thanks for the humor...
ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS!
Das machine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.
Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen.
Das rubbernecken sichtseeren keepen das cotten-pickenen hans in das pockets muss;
relaxen und watchen das blinkenlighten.