Choosing childlessness

Boston Globe ^ | April 29, 2002 | Cathy Young

[Quester]

Be cautious with "engineers". Many are brilliant with math and science, but have great difficulty writing a sentence, dealing with people, and communicating. That is very important to most women. If a woman marries an engineer, chances are there will be major communication problems. If she is aware of that and accepts it, fine. But you cannot remake a person the way you want them to be. If you want a good communcator, find another kind of person. Avoid Engineers. (Not ALL Engineers are communcations-challenged, but it is a common trait!) I work with Engineers, and I love them, but they struggle every day trying to "communicate." They just wanna fix stuff, not talk about it.

An engineer's communication with a spouse will, typically, be much different than his/her communication in a work/social setting. Many times, that spouse will become the recipient of all of the personal interaction and attention an engineer does not display in public.

An engineer's lack of (social) communication skills may mean that he/she may not be the life of the party, but often will translate into the most intensely intimate and attentive relationship with a spouse.

[Feldkurat_Katz]

If you want a good communcator, find another kind of person.

A lot of what passes for communication skills, is the ability to bullshit - to tell woman exactly what she wants to hear. Indeed, engineers may not be good at it.

[general_re]

A lot of what passes for communication skills, is the ability to bullshit - to tell woman exactly what she wants to hear. Indeed, engineers may not be good at it.

OTOH, if you see an engineer who is good at that sort of thing, keep an eye on him - that dude's destined for management ;)

[Feldkurat_Katz]

OTOH, if you see an engineer who is good at that sort of thing, keep an eye on him - that dude's destined for management ;)

Good point. ROTFL!

[wardaddy]

"misandryst" and "fecundity" used in back to back replies....now this thread has potential. I'm mighty glad to have my Webster's handy. LOL

[antidisestablishment]

No one and nothing is perfect, including ourselves. People need to get over this constant need to analyze the dating pool (using all the self-help books and Oprah) before making that "fateful" leap into matrimony.

None of us are ever ready for marriage and children; some are just willing to work at it anyway. :)

[wardaddy]

I can't speak for CW but I've been studying women since I was in diapers (the cloth kind) and I must confess I'm flunking...but I intend to persevere.

[JediGirl]

You know, there's a lot of reasons for childlessness amongst women

And I would have to say that your statement that one is because lots of city guys are gay is well, a little ridiculous.

[nina0113]

Engineering school is a good place to look. :)

Why do engineers have both a wife & a mistress?

So each one will think he's with the other, & he can go to the lab & work!

[Quester]

... and the corollary to this is ...

Those blessed in the natural social graces (typically not possessed by the average engineer) often exhaust their supply of those graces outside of the home, and leave little or nothing to bestow upon a spouse or intimate.

[Don Myers]

Many women, and guys too, should not have children. They are not mother-material, and they would only ruin the poor kid anyway. These days, many women simply kill their children anyway when they do become pregnant. Many women have become uncaring and coldly calculating creatures. We are all better off if these women do not procreate.

[wardaddy]

I agree. There are more single men and women in my mid Boomer age/peer group than I ever believed possible. More single women I would surmise. I dated a few before I remarried a few years ago. One thing, all these non marrying women from mid 30s to mid 40s who are otherwise suitable for marriage yet resist the notion do all go thru the no-children realization at some point and also for the most part tend to have large groups of like minded women friends as support groups. Some of their like minded sisters are oddly enough married with children but don't really take a very active role in mommying but rather flit about from one self fulfilling odyssey to the next. It's not uncommon especially in middle and upper middle class homes where the woman doesn't have to work yet still behaves in this aloof manner family-wise. I know personally a number of women like this. I was engaged to a childless woman of this type once. They are very very self obsessed and usually look to acting altruistic to compensate. Hence, usually liberals.

Myself as a man, since my late 20s, I have had a strong urge to procreate (not just sex-wise) and have a large family and be responsible for them. It's my raison de voire...I cannot understand men or women who think otherwise but that is their choice.

[VoiceOfBruck]

(not young & female, but 0 out of 2 isn't bad)

Good insights, Ms. Hardcart; here's another:

Women often date/marry men who remind them of their fathers. If their fathers were jerks, well, there you have it, vicious cycle.

[Saundra Duffy]

Had child which died (leukemia). VERY gun shy for children.

Understandable. So sorry for your loss, Sis. Losing a child is the worst (I know). Bless your heart.

[Saundra Duffy]

My kids are all grown up and I have grandchildren so it's hard for me to relate to this. I think I would be suffering from a heavy burden if I had never had children. But then it's all in the attitude. I'm sure professional women can fill their lives with worthwhile endeavors if they want to.

[wardaddy]

Boris....you can still have progeny. You've got the assets to find a younger woman who would like to do that for you (with you). Given your admissions, if you are worried about your mortality, then take precautions for your health and take steps to insure your wife and family's financial viability if you are gone. I'm 44 with a baby on the way. I carry a lot of term life and consantly make financial accomodations for my 8 years younger wife and our soon to be 2 children...plus my two prior marriage early teen daughters as well.

It can be done...if you want it..don't give up. I'm sure there is a mid 30s gal out there who would be glad to take you up on what you have to offer.

By all means take care of yourself. And excuse me for butting in.

[wardaddy]

your musings are dead on....about more than a few women.

[wardaddy]

They just wanna fix stuff, not talk about it.

You just nailed a major difference between women and men....not just engineering types.

[glory]

grundle, you are spot on my friend. When I met my husband, an amazingly nice and devoted guy, I actually had to conciously choose to not sabotage the relationship because he was so nice. I don't know what it is, but I was used to jerks and something about being with a man that was "father and marriage material" made me uneasy then. Now though, 8 years and 2 kids later, I am happy as a clam. No he's not perfect, and sometimes being so damn nice can be a fault, but I know that I made the right decision now and I can't imagine my life without him!

[joathome]

Married to one. There are wonderful exceptions. :)