‘No [Bleeping] Way!’ Says Outraged Veep
G.O.P. strategists are urging President Bush to dump Vice-President Dick Cheney from the 2004 Republican ticket and run with Ozzy Osbourne instead, citing the addled rock star’s superior poll numbers.
A new survey of likely voters shows that Mr. Osbourne is now the most popular public figure in America, trouncing his nearest rival, Spider-man, a fictitious comic-book character.
The poll results suggest that Americans have little or no concern about Mr. Osbourne’s fitness for the second-highest office in the land, despite his apparent inability to operate a TV remote or replace a garbage can liner.
But aides to Mr. Cheney say that the Vice-President is not about to be replaced by the shuffling, dazed-looking rocker without a fight.
Mr. Cheney sprang into action on Monday, inviting MTV cameras into his secure undisclosed location to film a new documentary-style series about him and his family, “The Cheneys.”
The footage shows the Cheney children exchanging volleys of raw expletives with the Vice-President’s wife Lynne V. Cheney, a Senior Fellow at the American Enterprise Institute.
“We can [bleeping] drill for [bleeping] oil in Alaska if we [bleeping] feel like it!” Mrs. Cheney can be heard saying at one point.
But the biggest surprise for viewers may be Dick Cheney himself, who appears throughout the program in a sleeveless black vest, his biceps tattooed with the corporate logo of the Halliburton Company, the petroleum concern he used to head.
“I never thought I’d say this, but Dick Cheney is actually in better shape than Ozzy,” one aide said.
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