Posted on 05/12/2002 8:18:58 PM PDT by nickcarraway
by Chandra K. Clarke
A Mother's Work Is Never Done
5/11/02
So, Mother's Day is tomorrow and...
... at least half of you just smacked your foreheads and said "Omigosh! I forgot!"
Now, before you go rushing off to buy something, you might want to take a few minutes to think things through. After all, gifts are supposed to say something, and you'll want to be very careful about the message. For example, consider what you might be implying with the following:
• Moisturizer, Concealer, Revitalizer - Mom, here's something for those wrinkles and really dark circles under your eyes.
• Any Cleaning Utensil or Product - Because I'm dumb enough to believe that you actually enjoy doing housework.
• Oven Mitts - I only love you for your oatmeal cookies.
• A New Suit -Because that thing you wear to work is probably what's holding back your promotion.
• Anything Over $500 - I'm feeling really, really bad about something I haven't told you yet.
• Potted Petunias - Because I forgot about Mother's Day until I read about it in some silly humor column in the paper.
Since Moms rank number one on the Top Three List of Creatures You Don't Want To Offend (the other two are the Supreme Being and that big Rottweiler across the road), gift giving can be hazardous.
Indeed, most people don't realize - until it's too late! - that women are granted supernatural powers when they become Moms. These include bionic eyes in the back of the head, the mega-scold wagging finger and the power ray of guilt. Just one of these powers can be painful; experiencing a combination of two can be lethal.
Another thing that people don't realize is that Momming (or Mumming, if you live in the UK) is very demanding work. Mothers have a long list of obligations, most of which are written into the contracts they sign when they enter the Motherhood. I'm not a full member yet, but I managed to sneak a peek at some of the clauses. They are:
Section D, Subsection II - Macaroni Art. All mothers are required, by law, to keep every piece of artwork you did as a toddler. This includes that stiff piece of construction paper with the dried macaroni glued to it in the pattern of a smiley face.
Section F, Subsection XI - Pictures. Moms are obligated to hold in reserve no less than ten (10) really embarrassing pictures from your childhood. These will be shots of you a) naked in the tub, b) wearing braces or c) playing the tree nymph in the Grade 5 production of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Try as you might to destroy the negatives, copies of these pictures will suddenly appear when you bring home a prospective spouse.
Section H, Subsection II - Counselor. No matter what is going on in their personal or professional life, Moms must help you through those tough times growing up, like when Muffy the hamster died, or when the other kids made fun of you at tuba practice.
Section I, Subsection IV, Paragraph iii - Clothing. Moms must make continuous, but futile attempts to make it look as though their kids have decent wardrobes. This particular clause nearly broke my mother, as I held the world's speed record for ripping the knees out of jeans. She has also never forgiven me for sliding into first base in my `class picture day' outfit before the 9 a.m. bell rang.
Section M, Subsection VII - Patience. Mums are expected to grit their teeth and be `supportive' through all your various phases, including the times when you thought that being a video gamer, a pro wrestler or a Thompson Twins groupie were good career choices.
Section O, Subsection X - Chauffeur. Mothers must spend no less than half of their evenings taking kids to sporting events. Mothers may assume different titles according to sport/region: Soccer Mom (US), Hockey Mom (Canada) or Sumo Wrestling Mom (Japan).
Section Z - Always Being Right. No matter what the question or issue, mothers will eventually be proven right. See also references to this clause in: Laws of Nature, Universal Constants and Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
As you can see, it's a tough job... but somebody's gotta do it. And we're glad they do.
Happy Mother's Day.
To read more of Chandra's work, visit
www.ChandraKClarke.com.
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