Bands are a-playin' and flags a-wavin' and the vanguard's a motorcycle corps.
Clowns are a-clownin' through the crowd and pinchin' every pretty girl who dares to smile;
It's a glorious mess, everybody wears a fez, the parade stretches out for a mile.
It's a typical American phenomenon
Where all the members have a fine old time;
It's the 43rd Annual Convention of the Grand Mystic Royal Order of the Nobles of the Ali-Baba Temple of the Shrine.
Meanwhile back at the motel ...
"Operator ... get me Room 321, please."
(Pause)
"Hello? Noble Lumpkin? This here's the Illustrious Potentate.
(Pause)
I said, It's the Illustrious Potentate.
(Pause)
I said, It's the Illustrious ... Coy? Dang-blame-it ... this here's Bubba.
Coy, why ain't you at the parade?
(Pause)
What? Well, how did you get that big Harley up there in your room?
(Pause)
What? I can't hear you, Coy ... quite revvin' it up, boy! Turn it off!
(Pause)
I just want you to know one thing ... you have embarrassed us all, the whole Hayhira delegation.
Now, I'll see you at the banquet, son ... you be there, you hear me, Coy? Black-tie ... 7 o'clock ... be there, Coy."
Well, it was all arranged by the Ladies Auxiliary in the downtown Convention Hall:
Cold roast beef, string beans, mashed potatoes, and nine boring speeches, and all.
And all the tables looked fine with their Mogen David wine and chrysanthemums on each side;
And the Hayhira leaders in their rented tuxedoes made the local hearts swell with pride.
It's a typical American phenomenon
Where all the members have a fine old time;
It's the 43rd Annual Convention of the Grand Mystic Royal Order of the Nobles of the Ali-Baba Temple of the Shrine.
Meanwhile, back the motel ...
"Operator ... 321, please ... thank you."
(Pause)
"Hello ... Coy? What are you doing?
(Pause)
What do you mean ... "Who is this?" This is Bubba. Why wasn't you at the banquet?
(Pause)
What do you mean, all you had to wear was a Hawaiian flower shirt?
Well, you may think you're foolin' some people, but everybody seen the little redhead ...
(Pause)
That's right. Everybody. Why, she came runnin' right through the dinner, right in the middle of the pineapple sherber ... didn't have nothing on but your fez, Coy!
(Pause)
Coy, you're the only one who's got a fez with a propeller on top.
(Pause)
Yeah ... yeah ... and she was yellin' out the secret code too, Coy! We're going to have to change it now.
(Pause)
Blame it, Coy, we're going to have a special meeting when we get back to Hayhira about your conduct at this here convention. Embarrassing!
(Pause)
What do you mean? It don't make no difference if she was sent over from the Knights of Columbus!
Coy, you be at the secret conclave tonight ... you hear me? And keep it a secret."
Well, it was a secret meeting in the dead of the night with mysterious sanctimony,
In accordance with prescribed rituals and time-honored ceremony.
Matters of grave concern were weighed with dedicated caution:
Like whether or not to raise at stud, or draw or spit-in-the-ocean.
It's a typical American phenomenon
Where all the members have a fine old time;
It's the 43rd Annual Convention of the Grand Mystic Royal Order of the Nobles of the Ali-Baba Temple of the Shrine.
Meanwhile, back the motel ...
"Operater ... room ... how did you know?"
ause)
Hello ... Coy? Where have you been?
(Pause)
Noooo, you wasn't at the meeting.
(Pause)
Well, I found out that, at 3 o'clock this morning, you was out there in your fruit-of-the-looms in the motel swimming pool with a bunch of them waitresses from the cocktail lounge! I just hope that Charlene don't find out about this, Coy.
(Pause)
What? Well, how did you get that big motorcycle up there on the high dive, Coy?
(Pause)
Now, Coy, dangburnit, that ain't no way to act. We're supposed to be pillars of the community. When we get back to Hayhira, you can just turn in your ring and your tie-tack because, Coy, you are out of the Shrine.
(Pause)
That's right ... you're going to have to pack your bags and leave town. You're going to be black-balled, Coy.
(Pause)
What do you mean, you might join the Hell's Angels.
(Pause)
Coy ... Coy! Don't you hang up on me! Don't you crank that motorcycle ... who's that giggling in the background, Coy? Huh? Hello? Hello?
(Pause)
Operator! We was cut off! Yeah ... room 321!
(Pause)
Coy? Don't you hang up on me ... I'm the Illustrious Potentate! This is the IP, Coy! Coy ... this is Bubba! The IP, Coy!
Ray Stevens (Shriner's Convention)