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Keyword: satire

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  • Bidenomics Better than Free Market [semi-satire]

    06/02/2024 9:57:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 June 2024 | John Semmens
    First Lady Jill Biden went on ABC's The View to urge voters "to choose good over evil when you cast your ballots. On the one hand we have Republicans backing the evil forces of the marketplace as the best model for growth and prosperity. Take the issue of inflation. It's been my observation that all the prices put on goods and services are placed there by human beings. If we want lower prices we must get these human beings to put lower-price tags on the merchandise. Joe is doing that. He told the CEOs of Walmart and Target that if...
  • Dem Touts Benefit of Free Palestine [semi-satire]

    06/01/2024 10:42:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 June 2024 | John Semmens
    Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY) called the creation of a Free Palestinian state "the only feasible option for peace in the Middle East. Hamas is built on an idea. You can't kill an idea with bullets and bombs. We tried this in Vietnam, but the idea of communism couldn't be killed by US troops. Likewise, the idea of a free Palestine from the river to the sea can't be killed. Yielding to this idea is the only sensible." "Of course, this would mean that the occupying Jews must be eliminated," Bowman argued. "There are fewer than 16 million Jews in the...
  • "No One Is Above the Law" [semi-satire]

    06/01/2024 12:14:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 June 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, former President Trump was found guilty on 34 counts of trying to conceal "hush money" payments to porn actress Stormy Daniels after the 2016 election. Normally, the statute of limitations would have prevented the case from being brought, but New York state law was modified to allow this prosecution of Trump. Considering that Daniels accepted payment for agreeing to a perfectly legal Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) yet still went on to make defamatory charges against Trump it seems clear that nothing was "hushed up." Eight years ago the Federal Elections Commission decided that since the payments were made after...
  • Donald Trump Found Guilty Of Being Donald Trump

    05/31/2024 8:45:20 AM PDT · by dayglored · 3 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | May 30, 2024 | Babylon Bee
    NEW YORK, NY — In an outcome that was sure to shake the foundations of the entire country, the first criminal trial of a former president reached its close, as Donald Trump was convicted of being Donald Trump. The verdict was handed down today in a New York courtroom, with jurors unanimously agreeing that the evidence presented by the prosecution overwhelmingly proved that the defendant was indeed guilty of being Donald Trump. "It was an open and shut case," said prosecutor Joshua Steinglass. "There wasn't any way he could sit there being Donald Trump and just get away with...
  • 9 Damning Pieces Of Evidence Proving Trump Is Guilty

    05/30/2024 8:30:14 AM PDT · by dayglored · 23 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | May 29,2024 | Babylon Bee
    The prosecution has finally rested in the criminal case against former President Trump, having presented nine bullet-proof pieces of evidence that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Trump is guilty. Here they are: Trump said he's innocent: Exactly the sort of thing a guilty person would say. Before the trial, the prosecution's star witnesses both said Trump was innocent: It doesn't get any more cut and dry. The judge decided Trump was guilty before the trial even began: It was that obvious. No one in America has ever been charged with a felony for this crime before:...
  • People's Democracy vs. Fake Democracy Explained [semi-satire]

    05/29/2024 10:18:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2024 | John Semmens
    Alarmed that concern over the poor results of Bidenomics for the average American "could persuade enough voters to reject the people's democracy that our Party has been trying to establish in this country" House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) made an impassioned plea to voters "to stay the course with President Biden and give Democrats solid majorities in the House and Senate." Jeffries said "restoring the right of abortion granted to women by the US Supreme Court in its 1973 Roe v. Wade ruling is our key talking point. In its 2022 Dobbs ruling the Court negated this universal right...
  • Peacock Releases Movie Saying It's OK To Eat Your Young Because Some Animals Do It

    05/28/2024 11:17:18 AM PDT · by servo1969 · 22 replies
    BabylonBee.com ^ | 5-28-2024 | Bee Staff
    HOLLYWOOD, CA — Streaming service Peacock announced the release this week of a documentary that proves eating your own offspring is completely fine for humans because a few other animal species do it. "We just want to show how normal and natural it is to consume your own progeny," Peacock Producer Anna Grazer told the press. "Something like seven animal species on earth murder and eat their own kids, so humans shouldn't feel ashamed if they have a preference towards the same." Peacock producers have hyped the documentary as being completely revolutionary for human understanding of what behaviors are acceptable....
  • "Why Should He?" [semi-satire]

    05/28/2024 9:40:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2024 | John Semmens
    Considering that the flood of illegal immigration into the US is not popular with voters, Fox News White House correspondent Peter Doocy asked Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre "why doesn't the President take executive action to enforce the existing laws against illegal entry into the country?" Her response was "why should he? He wants to bring in as many new immigrants as we can. Existing laws don't allow the kind of unrestricted entry that he wants to see. Until those laws are changed he's going to stick with what has worked since he reversed Trump's executive orders meant to enforce existing...
  • Washington Post Shifting to AI [semi-satire]

    05/27/2024 11:00:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2024 | John Semmens
    The Washington Post's CEO Will Lewis, announced that "we will be replacing most of our human reporters with artificial intelligence (AI). We are in a hole, and we have been for some time. It's clear that we cannot afford to continue as we have been. Many on our staff have already been submitting AI-generated text as their own work. They have, effectively, made themselves redundant. So, we are eliminating the middle men, their salaries, and their benefits. The electricity to run our AI is dirt-cheap by comparison." Recently, Google's AI has recommended "adding glue to pizza sauce" and suggested that...
  • Trump Booed For Wearing Deodorant At Libertarian Convention

    05/27/2024 8:50:03 AM PDT · by dayglored · 33 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | May 26, 2024 | Babylon Bee
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Trump made a surprise appearance at the Libertarian Party Convention yesterday, but was met with a chorus of boos after the dozens of libertarians present realized Trump was wearing deodorant. "Boo! He smells good! Boo!" screamed Libertarian Party member Johnna Lundqvist. "It's very pleasant smelling, and I don't like it! Boooo!" According to sources, Trump's speech got off to a rocky start when he mentioned the revolutionary concept of winning elections. "Winning elections? Boo!!" yelled libertarian Donald McAdoo along with tens of others. "Look, look, he's wearing a suit! His hair looks well-kept! Boooo!!!"...
  • "Hedonic" Adjustments to the CPI [semi-satire]

    05/26/2024 10:57:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2024 | John Semmens
    A spot check of fast food prices over the past five years shows prices rising much faster than the official Bureau of Labor Statistics' Consumer Price Index's 21% rise. Big Macs are 88% more costly. Taco Bell burritos are up 118%, and Chick-Fil A nuggets are up 96%. Erika McEntarfer, Commissioner of the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, explained that "we use a 'hedonic' adjustment factor to account for the technological improvements that make products more enjoyable. A simplistic comparison of a 2024 Bic Mac with a 2019 Big Mac fails to account for the value of the increased consumer...
  • Trump's Bronx Rally Called "Waste of Time" [semi-satire]

    05/25/2024 11:03:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, former President Trump held a campaign rally in the Bronx Borough of New York City. An estimated crowd of 25,000 enthusiastic fans attended. Gov. Kathy Hochul (D-NY) called the attendees "clowns" and the rally "a waste of time." "Anyone who thinks that enthusiastic voters are going to decide this election is sadly mistaken," Hochul proclaimed. "In the 2020 election Trump had slews of rallies with tens of thousands of enthusiastic supporters. Then former Vice-President Biden had only a few dozen attendees at his infrequent campaign appearances. Yet, he easily defeated Trump when the votes were counted." "The secret...
  • October 7 Video "Defames Hamas" [semi-satire]

    05/25/2024 12:23:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 May 2024 | John Semmens
    At a hearing of the House Education and Workforce Committee, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Mn) sharply criticized University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) Chancellor Gene Block for allowing pro-Israel counter protesters on their campus to publicly show a video of the October 7 Hamas attack on Israeli civilians. "This one-sided, out-of-context view of beheaded babies, raped women and children, and slaughtered unarmed persons defamed the Muslims fighting to free Palestine from its Jewish oppressors," Omar asserted. "They made no effort to present Hamas' justification for the raid. The insinuation that targeting civilians is per se wrong overlooks the fact that Israeli...
  • Ron DeSantis knew about the raid on Trump and told Merrick Garland "Thanks For The Heads Up"

    05/22/2024 3:49:05 PM PDT · by Macho MAGA Man · 61 replies
    Hodgetwins on Twitter X ^ | May 21, 2024 | Hodgetwins
    Hodgetwins @hodgetwins Ron DeSantis knew about the raid on Trump and told Merrick Garland "Thanks for the heads up" (Garland to topple Trump. Cyberspace Command reportedly has text messages in which Garland writes, "We're coming," and DeSantis responds, "Thanks for the heads up," timestamped three hours before the FBI swarm illegally and unprecedentedly violated the home of a President of the United States.)
  • Contrasting Views on Climate Change [semi-satire]

    05/22/2024 10:31:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 May 2024 | John Semmens
    On the one hand, William McGuire, an Emeritus Professor of Geophysical & Climate Hazards at University College London, says "the only realistic way I see emissions falling as fast as they need to, to avoid catastrophic climate breakdown, is the culling of the human population by a pandemic with a very high fatality rate. It looked like the coronavirus pandemic might do the trick, but its lethality was way over hyped by the World Health Organization. Maybe a breakthrough in ongoing gain-of-function bioweapons research can boost the death toll from the next pandemic to the 90% fatality rate that is...
  • Dems Warn Potential Trump Donors [semi-satire]

    05/21/2024 11:11:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 May 2024 | John Semmens
    Rumors that former President Trump has asked major oil companies to donate a billion dollars to his campaign has irked Democrats such that Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) warned the eight energy company CEOs that were said to have had dinner with Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort last month "to not put all your money on one horse in the race. If that horse loses the race you could suffer much more than the loss of your investment." "Giving money to both sides has been a long-term insurance policy that has spared your industry from extinction," Raskin reminded. "If you think...
  • Despite Polls, Biden Is Confident of Reelection [semi-satire]

    05/20/2024 9:57:39 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 May 2024 | John Semmens
    Though recent polls of registered eligible voters in swing states show former President Donald Trump is ahead of him, recumbent President Joe Biden remains confident that he will be reelected. He has been telling donors that "the polling data is wrong because it only includes registered voters. It completely overlooks our strength among unregistered and ineligible voters, our robust ballot harvesting operation, the proliferation of unsupervised drop boxes where anyone--registered or not, eligible or not, citizen or not can deposit as many ballots as they desire." "A new study published by Just Facts found that up to 27% of non-citizen...
  • DHS Defends Privacy of Terrorists [semi-satire]

    05/19/2024 11:05:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 May 2024 | John Semmens
    Fox News reporter Bill Melugin's request to know the nationalities of persons on the terrorist watch list arrested after illegally entering the US was rebuffed by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). Spokesperson Ikhil Yudhimmi explained that "the privacy interests of those apprehended outweigh the minimal level of public interest in such information." Melugin found the rejection and explanation "inane. I did not ask for any names, IDs, addresses, or law-enforcement information. The people on the terrorist watch list are not families with children seeking a better life. They are suspected of being here intending to attack, damage, and kill....
  • NFL Brass Rejects Player's Traditional Values [semi-satire]

    05/18/2024 10:22:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 May 2024 | John Semmens
    This week, Harrison Butker, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs football team gave a commencement speech at Benedictine College--a small Catholic liberal arts college in Atchison, Kansas. In this speech Butker said to the women graduates "some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world." USA Today featured a column denouncing Butker's "extremist, Neanderthal views." On ABC's The View, the panelists chastised Butker for "not following the example of...
  • The Supreme Court Changed My Sex Life Forever - Dark Times

    05/18/2024 9:30:47 AM PDT · by Morgana · 57 replies
    Live Action News Youtube ^ | July 7, 2023 | Live Action
    It's been one whole year since Roe v. Wade was overturned, which means they've been making abortion illegal all over the place. So these are dark times, as NPR and InsiderNews have reported: https://www.npr.org/2022/10/22/113072... Because now that Roe v. Wade is overturned, a woman can get pregnant just by having sex. "I find myself in this really bizarre state where I'm asking guys about things like their values and trustworthiness before sleeping with them." "Before a girl would have sex with me, but now she's asking me all these dumb questions like, "Do you love me?" and "What happens if...