You do have to ask yourself, at what point are heroic measures a waste ? In the end someone has to pay for it, one way or another. And if we all expect it then we’re all going to foot almost 100% of the bill.
I’m not sure where this fits into the larger discussion, but I’d like to share my mom’s story and see what you all think. Mama died last November, at the age of 78. Not a bad lifespan, to be sure, but about ten years less than either of her parents. She was a lifelong smoker, had had one very large abdominal aneurysm operated on in 2001 and another steadily growing in her chest at the time she died. She also had quite severe COPD. Mama had Medicare, of course, and she also paid for a very good supplemental plan, so a large part of her healthcare needs were covered, though not all. And because of stock market dips, she was by the start of 2009 living on her Social Security, with some help from me and my sister (which really meant our husbands).
After spending Feb-Apr of 2009 in the hospital, with me there daily and often nightly to help coordinate her care, we all realized that Mama could no longer live alone. She loved being independent, and my sister and I both lived five minutes from her house, but even with us visiting daily it wasn’t enough. She didn’t want and couldn’t afford in-home healthcare or a nursing home. And I was really happy about the idea of her living with us and spending as much time as possible with her only grandson. We had to move, find a place with a downstairs bedroom for her, and we accomplished it all within four months of her leaving the hospital.
But Mama really wasn’t happy. She wasn’t independent any more, didn’t want to cook or do any of the things she enjoyed. Her health was too bad to walk outside or play with her little dog. And she wasn’t supposed to smoke (although she could go onto her balcony if she liked). Mama was in and out of the hospital during Sept-Oct, and by the beginning of November she was in the hospital and didn’t want to be there ever again. Despite her primary care doctor’s opinion (we had a lovely team of doctors, who really tried their best in every way), she decided she wanted to try palliative care. That doctor was also wonderful and met extensively with my mother and with me and my sister. But none of us (with the exception, I’m almost certain, of my mother) was prepared for the fact that my mother required an extreme amount of morphine and a 24/7 nurse in order to be at home. She lived for three days once we returned home, completely sedated the whole time, and died peacefully.
But I find I have so many unanswered questions and such mixed feelings about the whole experience. Was this a “good” death? Did we do everything we could? In all truth, Mama was talking to me about “letting her go” for months; but my whole focus was just on keeping her comfortable.
Has any of you all faced this kind of situation? How would this be different with the changes going into effect? If you were in my mother’s situation, what would you want to do?
I feel so sad about all of this.
Laura