SCENE III: Will's Apartment Building
(GRACE is doing down in the elevator when it stops and MRS. FRIEDMAN enters.)
[MRS. FRIEDMAN ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hey, Mrs. Friedman, how are things on the eighth floor?
MRS FRIEDMAN: I'm not talking to you, Grace Adler, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
GRACE: I swear, the elevator smelled like this before I got on.
MRS FRIEDMAN: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your button. I can't believe you're supporting that man.
GRACE: Ted Bowers happens to be an excellent candidate.
MRS FRIEDMAN: [SPITTING] Ptewey! Your candidate sucks my rain boots.
GRACE: Hey, I like Ted Bowers, and he's gay, and I think it's high time we had gay representation on the city council, especially in a society that still undervalues the rights of gay people.
MRS FRIEDMAN: Fine. Do what you want. Me, I'm voting for the Jewish woman.
GRACE: There's a Jewish woman running?
(...)
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are home.)
GRACE: Uh... So, listen, I need a check.
WILL: What for?
GRACE: Judy Green. She's running for city council, and I think we should support her.
WILL: But we're backing Ted Bowers.
GRACE: Well, I found out a few things about him that makes me think I should support the other candidate.
WILL: Like what?
GRACE: Like he's running against a woman.
WILL: So? Who is she? What do we know about her?
GRACE: She's a woman.
WILL: And?
GRACE: And she's Jewish.
WILL: And?
GRACE: And she's a woman.
WILL: So what? What are her positions?
GRACE: I don't know. She's Jewish. She probably just lays there. Come on. Write the check!
WILL: I am not gonna write you a check. That would just cancel out the check you wrote me.
GRACE: I know. That's why I've already stopped payment on mine. Now, come on. Make it payable to "Judy Green for City Council."
WILL: All right. Is a zillion dollars enough?
GRACE: Come on! Women need a voice on the city council. I mean, 50% of the population is women.
WILL: So, one could argue that 80% of the population is gay. [BEAT] They just don't know it yet. Anyway, this is not about statistics. This is about who has the better candidate.
GRACE: Well, what makes you think that you have the better candidate?
WILL: Grace, he's gay.
GRACE: Well, mine's a woman and Jewish. That makes two victims to your one.
WILL: Since when are you so Jewish anyway? You're about as Jewish as Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us.
GRACE: Well, you're about as gay as Tom Sellick in In and Out.
WILL: I am plenty gay.
GRACE: When was the last time you had same-sex sex?
WILL: I'm choosy!
GRACE: Ha! You're straight! Go watch a basketball game!
WILL: Yeah? Well, you're barely a woman. You pee standing up!
GRACE: Hey! There are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat!
WILL: Our own?! [POINTING TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Well, I never thought that I would hear this from you! You hate women!
WILL: Well, you hate gays!
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT TO THE WRONG BEDROOMS, SLAMMING THE DOORS.]
[THE DOORS OPEN SUDDENLY AND THEY SWITCH ROOMS.]
WILL: My room.
GRACE: Whatever.
[THE DOORS SLAM.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is chopping a pepper in the kitchen when GRACE enters with a grocery bag.)
WILL: Hi. I'm sorry. I said some harsh things before. You know, like, "you're not a woman." My God, look at you, you're all woman. You're gorgeous, you're hot, you're sexy. When I look at you, all I can think about is being with that Croatian guy from "ER."
GRACE: Aw, sweetie. You know, I said some pretty harsh things, too. You are plenty gay. If you were any gayer, you'd be Elton John's fanny pack.
WILL: You don't have to say that.
GRACE: No, I mean it.
WILL: Well, if I implied that you're anything less than a big Jew, I'm sorry.
GRACE: Thank you. Let's just agree to disagree, support our candidates and just not make a big thing of it.
WILL: Agreed. I knew you'd feel that way. Which is why I know you'll have no problem with me having a little Ted Bowers neighborhood fund-raiser here?
GRACE: Not at all. In fact, I've already agreed to host a Judy Green fund-raiser here, too.
[GRACE BEGINS PULLING VEGETABLES OUT OF HER GROCERY BAG.]
WILL: Huh!
GRACE: Huh.
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: When's yours?
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: Tonight.
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: Change it.
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: No! stop it!
WILL and GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY]: You stop!
[WILL AND GRACE BOTH BEGIN CHOPPING FURIOUSLY.]
(...)
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are hosting their fundraisers. The room is full of people, including MRS. FRIEDMAN and next-door neighbor MR. ZAMIR.)
WILL: Would you tell your people to stay away from the mini-quiches, ok? I made them for my people.
GRACE: God, quiche for a gay fund-raiser, could you be any more stereotypical? And, by the way, tell your people to stay away from my lox.
WILL: Would you look at that? One of your women just drifted over to the fireplace, which we clearly agreed was my area since the gay's need soft light.
[GRACE BRINGS ANOTHER TRAY OF FOOD TO THE TABLE, WHERE MRS. FRIEDMAN IS STANDING.]
MRS FRIEDMAN: Grace, this is a lovely party. I guess the belly lox was too expensive, huh? Still, people seem to be enjoying themselves. I think we'll raise a lot of money here tonight.
GRACE: Well, good. I hope so. You just hit everyone up. It's the least that they can do.
MRS FRIEDMAN: And where's your check?
GRACE: Well, what do you mean? I'm throwing the party. That's my contribution.
MRS FRIEDMAN: Ah ha ha... You know, there's an old Jewish expression-- "You're cheap, and your husband's gay."
[WILL NOTICES THAT MR. ZAMIR IS PUTTING COOKIES INTO HIS POCKET.]
WILL: Mr. Zamir? Mr. Zamir?!
MR ZAMIR: What? What?! Happy Birthday!
WILL: Wait a minute. You're supporting Ted Bowers?
MR ZAMIR: Sure. Ted. Yes.
WILL: Yeah, but just a minute ago, you were over on the Judy Green side.
MR ZAMIR: Yes, but then they ran out of black-and-white cookies.
WILL: Who invited you, anyway?
MR ZAMIR: I'm here to complain about the noise.
[KNOCK ON DOOR. WILL AND GRACE RUN TO THE DOOR AND OPEN IT; IT'S TED BOWERS AND JUDY GREEN.]
WILL: Hey, Ted.
GRACE: Hi, Judy.
JUDY: Well, this is quite the coincidence.
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] He wouldn't cancel.
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] She wouldn't cancel.
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Stop doing that.
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] Stop doing that.
GRACE: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] You stop!
WILL: [SIMULTANEOUSLY] You stop!
[CUT TO A BIT LATER. TED BOWERS IS SPEAKING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.]
TED: Good evening, everybody. A lot of candidates in this race wanna tell you that there's an easy solution to our city's problems. Well, I'm here to tell you, there's not.
[WILL APPLAUDS. HE'S THE ONLY ONE.]
WILL: [EMBARASSED] Was that not an applause line? 'Cause it felt like one.
TED: For instance... Homelessness. Now, this is an awful, awful problem, and one solution that I advocate is give them a hot meal.
WILL: Mm-hmm.
TED: Give them a shower.
WILL: Uh-huh.
TED: Put them on a bus and get them the hell out of our city.
WILL: A-- What?
[CUT TO A BIT LATER.]
TED: So, in conclusion, women in the home, force those foreigners to speak our language, and if God didn't want some people to be poor, he'd give them money.
MR ZAMIR: He is very good.
GRACE: And now... Let's hear from a real candidate. Ladies and gentlemen, Judy Green.
JUDY: Thank you, Grace. Let me start by saying how gratifying it is to see so many white faces here tonight.
GRACE: Goh!
(...)
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(The fundraisers are over. WILL and GRACE are relaxing on the sofa.)
GRACE: Remember when Election Day used to be fun? Passing out leaflets, knocking on doors, ripping our bell-bottoms and running from the fuzz?
WILL: That wasn't us. That was Linc and Julie from "The Mod Squad."
JACK: [ENTERING] Well, I've just pulled the lever for democracy. Oh, and I also voted. Ah-ha ha ha ha! What are you two sad lovers doin'?
WILL: Nothin'.
JACK: So, did you vote?
WILL: We don't deserve to.
GRACE: We just didn't think it was right to vote for someone without finding out what they stand for.
Who'd you vote for?
JACK: The black guy.
Both: What?! There's a black guy?!
[WILL AND GRACE BOTH JUMP OFF THE COUCH AND RUN OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
Will and Grace is the most overrated show in history. It's not funny at all. It was only a hit because liberals felt guilt-ed into watching it. Kinda like the daily show. It's just not funny yet the left pretends that it's a satirical masterpiece.
