Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You'll accidentally eat one of those fried Szechwan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
|