For most of human history there were no “teenagers”. People went from being a child to being an adult.
This situation we have created with teens wanting to live like adults but having no adult responsibility is crazy.
Vermonter, what you say is true. In earlier centuries, our differing diets meant that most girls did not acquire the body fat necessary to menstruate until they were in their mid- to late teens, which meant that they were amenable children until 15 or 16. Not long after that, it was right off to the altar or the army with them.
Kids in the past were also tranquilized with hard work—life simply demanded lots of hard work for survival, and believe me, teens are much less trouble when they’re exhausted. Close-knit communities and the control of an active church helped impose discipline from outside of the family.
I am a single mom with no family nearby, so it wasn’t always easy for me to stay in control. But I just did what my parents did: I found out what each child wanted and kept control of that thing. I told them, “I have the car keys and I have the checkbook, so if you want anything you’d better be sweet.” This worked well. My son knows well that if he is in the least insolent or unhelpful, he’ll lose his internet connection, his cell phone, and worst of all, his precious XBox (horrors!)
Keeping them busy working for what they want also helps; the only thing that kept my daughter from going off the rails in her teens was that she had to work extremely hard to pay for the riding lessons she craved, so she was too tired to get in trouble. There is no sweeter music to a parent’s ear than the sound of her beautiful 16-year-old daughter answering the phone at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night, mumbling, “No, I’m too tired to go partying, and I have to get up at 4 in the morning,” then falling into bed. Lovely!
Thank you, Dr James Dobson, for giving me the advice my late parents couldn’t.