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To: Dubya

Because I’m A Man

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what the heck I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these darn computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together or that I could simply have claimed it on my contents insurance.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or food, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay, I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mom, too!

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.


2,641 posted on 05/31/2011 7:43:45 PM PDT by Dubya (JESUS SAVES)
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To: All

A group of friends go deer hunting and pair off for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returns to the camp alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” one of the men asks.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the hunter says.

“You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?” the man asks.

“It was a tough call,” says the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”


2,645 posted on 05/31/2011 8:28:57 PM PDT by Dubya (JESUS SAVES)
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