Word Contest
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.
— Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
— Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
— Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
— Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
— Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
— Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
— Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
— Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
— Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
— Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with ‘Yiddishisms’.
— Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Waiting In Line
Here are the reasons I’d Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.
— Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle — there’s so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you’re doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they’re defrosted in time for dinner and I won’t have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.