Dumb Joke
Going to the Dogs
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and ask my son, Joshua, “Who’s that?”
“That’s my mom,” Joshua answered. “Wow,” the man said, “my mother doesn’t look like that.”
“Yeah,” my son said, “well, neither does mine.”
One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, “How old are you, Mrs. Glass?”
“You should never ask an adult’s age,” I broke in. “That’s okay.” Harriett smiled. “I’m fifty.”
“Wow, you don’t look that old,” the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, “Parts of her do.”
Knowing the Territory
It was my friend’s first camping trip with her husband, and they were lost. He tried all the usual tactics to determine direction—moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was overcast), and so on. Just as she began to panic, he spotted a cabin in the distance. “This way,” he said as he led her back to their camp.
“How did you do that?” my friend asked.
“Simple. In this part of the country, the satellite dishes point south.”
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. “Where did you get it?” his mother asked.
“I bought it with the nickel you gave me.”
“The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School.”
“I know Mom,” said the boy, “but the minister met me at the door and got me in free.”
When our students began raising donations for Child Abuse Prevention Week, the school administration did its part by setting up a collection box outside the principal’s office and displaying a banner by the front door of the lobby. It read “Please give $1 to help stop child abuse in the front office.”