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(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

Posted on 03/23/2012 5:40:24 AM PDT by Lucky9teen

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To: Lucky9teen

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she’ll see him later and walks away.

... The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies. ; )


51 posted on 03/23/2012 9:56:30 AM PDT by unique1
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To: Lucky9teen

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”


52 posted on 03/23/2012 10:10:04 AM PDT by unique1
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To: Lucky9teen

TOP 55! YY, me!


53 posted on 03/23/2012 10:14:01 AM PDT by Monkey Face (If you think health care is expensive now, wait til it's free.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Best chips on the planet.


54 posted on 03/23/2012 12:21:18 PM PDT by CougarGA7 ("History is politics projected into the past" - Michael Pokrovski)
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To: sunny48

ROFLOL!


55 posted on 03/23/2012 1:17:56 PM PDT by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis
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To: Lucky9teen

LOL


56 posted on 03/23/2012 1:22:06 PM PDT by DeoVindiceSicSemperTyrannis
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To: unique1

A little Jimi Hendrix:

Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
Oh-Oh to get her poor dog a bone
But when she bent over
Rover took over
Because he had a bone of his own!!!


57 posted on 03/23/2012 1:23:01 PM PDT by fredhead (It's my Herbie year...check out the number on the side of the famous VW.)
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To: fredhead


58 posted on 03/23/2012 2:01:17 PM PDT by unique1
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To: Lucky9teen
The Los Angeles Lakers announced today that they have traded for Rudy Gay, Kevin Love, and Derrick Favors.

Next year's starting lineup will be Bryant Favors Gay Love Sessions.

59 posted on 03/23/2012 2:05:15 PM PDT by GSWarrior (I could be wrong.)
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To: Lucky9teen
WINNER OF THE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST
60 posted on 03/23/2012 2:09:19 PM PDT by sunny48
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To: llevrok

Wow. I thought I was the only one who knew the dictaphone joke!


61 posted on 03/23/2012 2:09:54 PM PDT by GSWarrior
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To: All

Today’s Quote

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with free monthly minutes, cash for clunker autos, food stamps, section 8 housing, a forty ounce malt liquor, access to drugs, and designer Air Jordan’s and he votes Democrat for a lifetime.


62 posted on 03/23/2012 2:13:41 PM PDT by sunny48
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To: llevrok
Dictaphone?

Dictater

63 posted on 03/23/2012 2:16:25 PM PDT by BerryDingle (I know how to deal with communists, I still wear their scars on my back from Hollywood-Ronald Reagan)
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To: Lucky9teen
See if you can solve this one. Facial expression interpretations are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test. In the following pictures you see women with a range of facial expressions. Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each is experiencing. They are all about to sneeze! And by the way...... YOU Need Help
64 posted on 03/23/2012 2:46:19 PM PDT by sunny48
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To: Lucky9teen

65 posted on 03/23/2012 3:46:31 PM PDT by wyokostur
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To: fredhead

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKZ3lPyEIH0


66 posted on 03/23/2012 4:38:45 PM PDT by ErnBatavia (Carterize Obama in November)
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To: sunny48

The Mayo Clinic might be using those images for a psychometric test, but trust me when I say (but don’t ask how I know) that they were not about to sneeze! :-)


67 posted on 03/23/2012 5:23:45 PM PDT by The Chief (Newt 2012!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”

Stevie says, “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Tiger says, “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

But, “how do you putt” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”

Stevie Wonder says, “Pick a night


68 posted on 03/23/2012 6:18:38 PM PDT by Deaf Smith
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To: Lucky9teen

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...

(You’ll love this...)

(I know you will...)
.
.

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”


69 posted on 03/23/2012 6:20:44 PM PDT by Deaf Smith
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To: Lucky9teen

Saturday tagline change bump....


70 posted on 03/24/2012 10:25:13 AM PDT by ErnBatavia (A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walked into a bar; barkeep said "Hi Mitt")
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