RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,’Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
A tramp was walking along a London street when he picked up a copy of the Evening Standard. And there he read a small advertisement which said, “Lost shaggy dog. Distraught millionaire offers £1m reward for return of said mutt. Easily identified. You will never have seen a shaggier dog. 100 Cheyne Walk, London, SW10.”
At that precise moment a dog walked by. It was the shaggiest dog the tramp had ever seen, and it was by itself. Without hesitation, the tramp apprehended the dog and went straight to Cheyne Walk.
“I am so sorry, sir,” said the lady who answered the door, “but that is an old advertisement. Mr Linebacker has left for Montevideo.”
So the tramp and the dog stowed away on a ship, got off at Montevideo, and went straight to the Linebacker address. “Oh, so sorry,” said the maid who answered the door. “He’s on holiday in Sydney.” Without a word, the man and the extraordinarily shaggy dog ran to the harbour and stowed away on a second ship, bound for Australia.
Alas, they missed the millionaire there, too. The butler who opened the door said, “It is my duty to inform you that Mr Linebacker has returned to London to count his millions.”
So, the tramp and the fantastically shaggy dog returned to 100 Cheyne Walk.
They were immediately ushered in to the presence of the great man, Mr Ebenezer Linebacker The Third.
“Have you got my shaggy dog, the shaggiest in the world?!” he cried. “I swore I’d pay a million pounds for his safe return, and that, indeed, I shall.”
Triumphantly, the tramp revealed the dog. “Here, sir,” he cried, “is your dog! The shaggiest in the world!!”
Mr Linebacker looked at the dog and said, “Oh, no! That’s not my dog. He’s nowhere near as shaggy as that!”