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I don’t mean to sound harsh, but why don’t you both either move out to CA temporarily if her time is short or make plans for her to join the both of you?

I think it is very important that you must make choices when it comes to the generation that raised you and your spouse. They certainly made choices that brought the two of you together.

I don’t like the way that our people put their parents in homes. I think the Japanese have it right. I saw both of my grandparents pass a long time ago, but I know that they were as well off as possible since they spent their last days in my parent’s home surrounded by the people that loved them rather than trying to make friends with the hospital staff.

It is important when a person passes that they have the ability to say the things that are important to them. Somehow emailing your last wishes and your life’s regrets just doesn’t seem the same.

you can never know when that time is. If gas vs train is an issue, then maybe you aren’t giving up as much in your business as you think. Maybe you are giving up more than you think by not making a way to be with family.

Two cents please.

It's nice if you can keep your parents at home, but it's not always possible. I ran into the same judgmental remarks when my mother could no longer care for herself. My brother and I were both working long hours at the time. Brother also had to travel frequently for his job. We just couldn't give Mom the care she needed. It's not like the old days when there would be someone at home (usually a woman) who could be there 24/7. Some relatives suggested I should quit my job and take care of Mom, but who would take care of me financially? It's not like I was married to some wealthy guy. I am on my own and I'm responsible for me.

Oh another thing: Brother and I could have brought in a nurse/companion to stay with my mother, but contrary to popular belief, that could be very expensive, particularly if it involves 24-hour care.

Under the circumstances, my brother and I made the best decision for Mom's care. It was an adjustment for her and she didn't like the food, but she made friends easily, played bingo and went on group excursions. She had a blast. Brother and I didn't abandon her either. We visited often and she spent holidays away from the home with us.

The good thing about the facility was that it was multi-purpose. As her health declined, she moved from assisted living to skilled nursing. We didn't have to move her from one facility to another. It was a Catholic organization, and the Sisters took excellent care of her. She was never made to feel like she was a burden.

My brother and I did what was best for Mom. So please, don't try to lay guilt trips on those of us who can't keep our elderly parents at home.

Good points...
We are currently dealing with my father living with us for most of the year, the other part in CA with bro. When my mother died, my brother and I agreed that he would not live in a retirement community or home. He’s in good health though will be having a back operation soon during which I have to be the care taker. My husband agrees with this but we both miss our privacy and doing our own thing but the alternative is constant worry and unhappiness.
Having your aged parent living with you is a very tough decision and is probably not the best idea for everyone. Many times I wish we hadn’t done it. Having them close by might be the best for all.
Good luck to anyone in this situation, it isn’t easy.