In your case, it seems you have set a very worthy goal and that is to save your marriage and provide a loving environment for yourself, your wife and your children. First of all, as you can tell from many of the comments, most marriages have the exact challenges you are facing. My first marriage, of seven years, ended because I was tired of being emotionally alone...loneliness while being married is very painful. However, if I would have had someone wise to tell me that marriage is like a dance, sometimes slow, sometimes fast I believe I would have had a much better life than I experienced after my divorce. I should have stayed in my first marriage and worked on it. Working on marriage WORKS! Giving up leads to very bad consequences.
My second marriage of 37 years has been almost a daily challenge. We have faced every domestic disaster you could face but I wouldn't give up. I truly have callouses on my knees from praying us through years and years of conflicts and tensions but I wouldn't give up. Consequently I now have a peaceful partner for my old age companion. I have a grown happily married daughter (I didn't scar her life with divorce) and two wonderful grandchildren. I have a wonderful family. All those years of struggle has paid off. Oh my first marriage cost me my 8 yr. old son when he was shot and killed by the nanny's son while I was out working to support my he and I. It seems raising him in a single parent home didn't work out very well for us. So, I was very determined to keep my daughter in a nurturing home with two parents.
Now the secret to my success was that I relied on God 24/7 for 37 years. My husband and I both went through many spiritual changes that made us emotionally compatible. I finally got my husband to understand that God made man the INITIATOR and woman the RESPONDER. So if he initiated love, care, concern and unselfishness that is what I returned to him. Initiate/Respond, almost a knee jerk reaction. Husband gives time and attention, wife responds with time and attention. Husband gives criticism, judgment, indifference, Wife responds with the same only usually more intense. I have so much to say on this subject but will move on to my last point.
Making love! What a subject, but I am going to give to to you straight. I am a woman of much experience. Before I was 35 I was not a Christian so I knew the ways of men, very well. As a Christian mother and wife I have been faithful and never tempted to go outside of my marriage for any reason. I say all that to lay the ground work for my counsel. Making love is where most men loose it. There is sex and there is making love. Sex is for personal gratification and making love is to set your needs aside and focus in on your partner's need. It requires a giving attitude. Your only focus is to pleasure your wife. Bring her to ecstasy then enjoy your own pleasure. Making love starts in the kitchen for a woman...taking out the garbage, unasked on a regular basis, clearing off the dishes after dinner without being asked. Doing a load of laundry on the week end. A woman's home is an extension of her. How you help and take care of your home touches a woman very deeply. She then becomes more receptive to how you touch her as you pass by her chair, kiss her goodbye in the morning, call and say hi from work. All this is MAKING LOVE!
Well I have hit on some high points. Divorce is not necessary. The consequences are 2x more difficult than putting the effort into falling in love again with your wife...Remember INITIATE/RESPOND. What do you want? Give it out first and it will come back. This might take time but with God's help, it will change your marriage around.
Oh, one last piece of advice. God took woman out of Adam's side. That is her divine position, at her husband's side. If she PERCIEVES there is ANYTHING, hobby, sports, work, mother-in-law, whatever as the #1 priority in her husband's life she will fight it or become indifferent. She must know she is #1 not the job,golf,best friend, etc. then she will purr like a kitten. Trust me on this...so don't be a workaholic. Take a random day or few hours off just to be with her, every once in awhile. The time invested will be well worth it.
Hang in there...do some changes...be patient. Just when it's the darkest the light is over the horizon. It will work. It took me 37 years but I am so glad I invested.
that God made man the INITIATOR and woman the RESPONDER. ( ladyL)
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wac3rd,
LadyL is absolutely correct.
Are you being physically affectionate in a casual manner with your wife throughout your entire time together? Just touching a hand, an quick hug, a brush on the shoulder with your hand as you pass by her chair, lingering a little longer with her hand when passing the salt?
Casual affection is **very** very** very** important in a marriage and thankfully my husband is a master at doing this.
Little inexpensive surprises for no reason at all are very welcome. Just yesterday my husband greeted me with a package of tacos. He was in the Supermarket and picked them up knowing that I like them. Have you ever stopped to pick wildflowers along the side of the road just to give your wife a surprise? Is there a warm smile on your face for your wife when you come home from work?
And...I bet your wife and the girls would just love it if you joined them in biking.
Are you helping to read to the children in the evening and helping to get them ready for bed? Do you take time with the kids to pray with them before bed? Do the kids have an **early** bedtime so that you and your wife have time to be alone together just to rest and recharge? My preschoolers were asleep at 7 p.m. Even as older children the rule was that they were in their rooms reading by 7 p.m. That gave my husband and I about 2 hours of “rest and recharge” time in the evening. Have good daily routines for the children are very important in reducing stress on you and your wife.
Also,....Are you taking time to have a weekly date night. My husband and I have done this for 31 years. It can be very simple. Recently, my husband and I have been going out for one slice of pizza at the local Costco. When the kids were little and money was tight just the cost of one or two hours of baby sitting was **well** worth the expense even if date night was a ice cream at Mc Donalds.
Regarding: “Working Out”
If you have 4 or 5 hours of free time during the day, and 2 of those hours are spent “working out” and getting to and from the gym, that is 50% of you free time taken from your wife and girls. My suggestion is that you find ways to naturally fit exercise into your daily routine. If you have a break or lunch time at work walk around the block a few times. Give this some serious and creative thought. Yes, we need exercise to be healthy but does it need to be at a gym?
Finally....Love is a VERB. It is an action word. So...Love ( action) your wife as you would like her to love you. Continue your attendance at church and increasing your spirituality. Take the children with you. Pray for your wife and hopefully she will be prompted to join you.
Deep advice.