My brother, when he was 15, was about to get some strapping from my Mom. For what I don’t recall.But, he turns to my Mom and says “Wait. I wunnuh tell you something first”.My Mom says “What?”“Well, it could be worse” he said.“How?” she asked.“Well, I’m only a fifteen year old boy and we should thank God I’m not pregnant”. He wily says with a smart alec grin.That was it!!! We were all laughing so hard it sounded like a bunch a lil girls and it was tough catching our breath.My Mom is laughing one of those laughs were you can’t make any noise and she loses all muscle control on the paddle and ends up dropping it.That only made things worse.Well, after we all quite making stupid faces trying not to laugh, she tells him to sit at the dinner table and not say a word.So we’re all looming at each other trying not to laugh and he is looking at everyineand trying not to laugh.My Mom is trying not to laugh and still be the boss. She says tells”You better not crack any jokes or say a word. Just eat”.She sounds dummy serious and we’re all grinning.Well, it’s Sunday dinner. Fried chicken, potatoes and gravy, Okra.My brother looks up at me for support in keeping him from laughing .Ain’t happening. I lock my eyes on him and flash a big smile. Mom says says”don’t!”My brother does all he can but the laugh starts to come and he ends up blowing his nose/brains all over his dinner. (there was ton of stuff that might have brain matter, I dunno).My Mom gets up and grabs his plate. He grabs it too and grabs”No” like some girl and my Mom(a girl) also high pitched says “yes”.My brother says again like a little girl also”No”.My Mom is trying desperately not to laugh and wrests the plate away. She then proceeded to dump the whole thing on top of his head.OMG!!! We all lost it and my Mom is trying to restore order tells everyone “Just Eat!”.I have no idea what voice that was but, we all lostiIit again and just laughed.Laughed at Mom for laughing and not being the boss(not her fault...really) and looming at my idiot brother with a plate full of chicken, mashed potato&gravy, Okra and maybe 1/2 his brains or not all over him.Gawd, if you weren’t there....Well, probably the only way that whole scene is funny or if I tell it in person.
My grandparents' house was about 100 yards up the hill from our house and I sued to spend lots of my time up there with them. One day my grandmother made a chocolate cake, two layers, and frosted it with chocolate icing. I happened to walk through the kitchen just after she finished icing the cake and she had left the kitchen for some reason. Well, I couldn't resist running a finger along the bottom of the icing, but my quick aim was bad and I hit the middle of the cake.
The finger line was too obvious, so I took the spreading spatchula out of the sink and tried to smooth the surface. Didn't work. So I proceeded to hastily wipe all the icing off of the cake, even lifting the top layer to get the middle frosting. Then I put the layers on the cooling rack and imagined that the old gal would forget she iced it.
Convinced I'd pulled off the crime of the century and quite proud of myself, I walked out through the front screen door past my grandfather. His voice called me to halt and turn around. When I did he grabbed me up and spanked by backside with his great paw of a right hand until I wriggled loose. I ran crying all the way home. As I burst through the kitchen screen door my mother yelled 'what are you bawlin' about. Then she caught sight of me and started whipping me more while dragging me into the bathroom, where she stood me up in front of the vanity mirror ... there was chocolate icing all over my face, even on my forhead!
Crime does not pay, and I won't tell you about the gate post gang.