Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.
Eddie: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.
Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?
Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player.
Clark: What about the kids?
Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.
Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit.
Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL!
Mary: Can I take something out for you?
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?
