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Too close to the truth.

Bill Belichick vows “swift justice” for whoever failed to deflate 12th football

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick said today that he is just as upset and angry as everyone else is over the latest news about his team, and will make sure there is “swift justice for those responsible.”

“I was very angry to hear that 11 of our 12 footballs in the AFC Championship Game were under-inflated,” said the coach, spitting out his words in an angry growl at a press conference today. “I gave explicit instructions that all of our footballs were to be deflated by exactly two pounds. I will find who failed to deflate the twelfth ball and they will be fired. I guarantee you that.”

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said he has “complete confidence” in Belichick.

“This man cheats with integrity, and I won’t let anyone say otherwise,” said the owner. “His attention to duplicitous detail is unparalleled. I don’t know what exactly happened to cause one of our footballs to be legal, but Bill will get to the bottom of it and we will move forward as an organization to better and more comprehensive illegal activities.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said he expecting a quick and thorough explanation from the team.

“The integrity of the league is at stake. Again,” said the commissioner. “I expect an excuse from the Patriots that is PR-driven and palatable to the majority of our fans by the end of the day.”

AND...

BREAKING: Patriots Banned from Super Bowl After NFL Determines They Didn’t Deflate Balls with NFL’s Official Brand of Air Pump

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the New England Patriots will be banned from Super Bowl XLIX against the Seahawks after a league investigation determined the team deflated footballs in the AFC title game using a Spalding air pump. The NFL’s official air pump supplier is Wilson.

“We take our relationships with our brand partners very seriously,” said Goodell. “For the Patriots to just willfully ignore our friends at Wilson is not acceptable and they will pay the consequences.”

The penalty is even harsher than the one the Patriots received for SpyGate, when the NFL found they were they were filming opposing teams’ practices with cameras not supplied by the NFL’s official camera partner.

“This is now a pattern of not being allegiant to league brands,” said Goodell. “It seems that when it comes to not using NFL partners, the Patriots say: ‘Just do it.’ Which reminds me, the NFL is proud to be a partner with Nike. You can purchase their great products at Nike.com.”

The commissioner then opened the press conference to questions, but put on a pair of Bose headphones and ignored them all.