$5.37!
That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
“Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I’ll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!
“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo balboa, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
“What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
“I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
“It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
