Here-a’s my intry: I’fe-a beee peteeent veet Free-a Repoobleec. I’fe-a ifee efueeded beeeng drevn in by its prufuceteefe-a rhetureec. Boot I’fe-a feenelly hed inuoogh. Beffure-a I begeen telkeeng ebuoot speceeffics, let me-a joost menshun thet zeere-a’s a teeme-a tu keep seelent und a teeme-a tu speek. Zeere-a’s a teeme-a tu lufe-a und a teeme-a tu hete-a. Zeere-a’s a teeme-a fur ver und a teeme-a fur peece-a. Und, I meeentein, zeere-a’s a teeme-a tu shepe-a a vurld ooff deegnity und hermuny, a vurld ooff joosteece-a, suleederity, leeberty, und pruspereety. Oor, tu poot it less pueteecelly, ve-a moost essert oooorselfes es chempeeuns ooff freedum und keep oooor preeurities in check. Boot zee prublems veet Free-a Repoobleec’s stunces dun’t ind zeere-a. Bork Bork Bork! Free-a Repoobleec’s smeer tecteecs shuoold be-a lebeled leeke-a a peck ooff ceegerettes. I’m theenking ooff sumetheeng elung zee leenes ooff, “Verneeng: It hes beee determeened thet Free-a Repoobleec’s berbs ere-a intended tu soobject us tu zee sneppeesh yeppeeng ooff belleegerent lusers.” Pleese-a hoomur me-a fur a mument vheele-a I stete-a thet Free-a Repoobleec freqooently inseests thet sepereteesm is zee key tu vurld peece-a. Thees leee-a ooff its cunnut stund zee leeght ooff dey, und a foo meenootes’ refflecshun veell sooffffeece-a tu shoo hoo utterly myupeec a leee-a it is. Nunezeeless, I em mure-a thun merely soorpreesed by its veellingness tu feeulete-a zee beseec tenets ooff juoorneleesm und schulersheep. I’m shucked, shucked. Und, es iff thet veree’t inuoogh, Free-a Repoobleec veell nut be-a pooneeshed fur its unger. Free-a Repoobleec veell be-a pooneeshed by its unger. Zeere-a’s elsu zee pusseebility thet it mey be-a pooneeshed fur sooburdeeneting ell spheres ooff suceeety tu un ideulugeecel feesiun ooff oorguneec cummooneety, boot I em tured ooff heereeng oor reedeeng thet treebelism is a feeeble-a und feetel oobjecteefe-a fur oooor neshun’s idooceshunel insteetooshuns. Yuoo knoo thet thet is seemply nut trooe-a. Bork Bork Bork! Free-a Repoobleec’s juneesseries ere-a a boonch ooff druuleeng seempletuns vhu prustete-a zeemselfes beffure-a zeeur belufed Free-a Repoobleec. I knoo becoose-a I hefe-a ixpereeenced thet persunelly. I reeleeze-a thet Steleenism is a tremenduoos prublem in oooor suceeety, boot dues it cunstuntly hefe-a tu be-a throon in oooor feces? Tu esk thet qooesshun unuzeer vey, du spleenffool hoocksters leeke-a Free-a Repoobleec’s secret egents ectooelly hefe-a leefes, oor du zeey ixeest sulely tu cuntrul yuoor bunk eccuoont, yuoor impluyment, yuoor persunel seffety, und yuoor meend? It’s qooesshuns leeke-a thet thet unmeestekebly get peuple-a theenking ebuoot hoo Free-a Repoobleec cleeems tu hefe-a sulooshuns tu ell ooff oooor prublems. Usooelly, thuoogh, zeese-a sooppused sulooshuns reede-a oon zee becks ooff peuple-a vhu ere-a puur, pooerless, oor vhu dun’t hefe-a zee cluoot tu loonch un ell-oooot ideulugeecel etteck egeeenst zee furces ooff fuyeooreesm. It’s zeese-a types ooff “sulooshuns”, zeereffure-a, thet demunstrete-a hoo geefee a chueece-a ooff hefeeng Free-a Repoobleec teer doon iferytheeng thet cun pusseebly be-a regerded es a sooppurt ooff cooltoorel ilefeshun oor hefeeng my beecoospids ixtrected suns Nufuceeene-a, I vuoold imbrece-a zee pleeers, poorchese-a sume-a Puleedent Perteeels, und cell it a dey. Bork Bork Bork! Free-a Repoobleec’s untee-intellectooeleesm suceeety hes its oovn, petty slugun. Thet slugun is, “Pelleeete-a und ixcoose-a zee etruceeties ooff Free-a Repoobleec’s secret puleece-a”. Vhet thees slugun lecks in veet, it mekes up fur in its ebeelity tu soobject us tu un intense-a berrege-a ooff meesinffurmeshun, decepshun, und heeddee prupegunda. Free-a Repoobleec’s cepeelutedes shere-a a noomber ooff cherectereestics. Zeey use-a psychulugeecel tuuls tu treeck us intu dueeng vhetefer Free-a Repoobleec reqooures ooff us. Zeey perfert zee cuoorse-a ooff joosteece-a. Und zeey use-a ifery cunceeefeble-a furm ooff deeplumecy, decepshun, pressoore-a, cuerceeun, breebery, treesun, und terrur tu leefe-a beheend a legecy ooff perpetooel indebtedness in defelupeeng cuoontreees. Poot tugezeer, zeese-a cherectereestics imply thet Free-a Repoobleec beleeefes thet it hes a “speceeel” perspecteefe-a oon refeesiunism thet cerreees veet it a “speceeel” reeght tu cunseegn oooor tredeeshunel felooes tu zee roobbeesh heep ooff ixclooseeunism. Zee reel demege-a thet thees beleeeff cooses ectooelly hes nutheeng tu du veet zee beleeeff itselff boot veet psychulugy, hoomun netoore-a, und zee skeellffool psychulugeecel muneepooleshun ooff thet netoore-a by Free-a Repoobleec und its inerteecoolete-a groonts. Bork Bork Bork! Vhy is Free-a Repoobleec croosheeng neshunel und spureetooel felooes oooot ooff ixeestence-a und soobsteetooting zee melepert und resh mecheenery ooff cullebureshuneesm? It seys it’s dueeng it fur sume-a vurthy coose-a. In reeleety, Free-a Repoobleec is dueeng it becoose-a releteefe-a tu joost a foo yeers egu, selff-peetying psychupeths ere-a neerly tee teemes es leekely tu beleeefe-a thet it is a chempeeun ooff leeberty und indeefidooel ixpresseeun. Thees is neeezeer a cueencidence-a nur seemply a seegn ooff zee teemes. Rezeer, it refflects a supheesticeted, psychulugeecel verffere-a prugrem deseegned by Free-a Repoobleec tu use-a oorguneezed feeulence-a tu sooppress ooppuseeshun. Bork Bork Bork! Iff it vere-a up tu me-a, I vuoold creete-a a puleeticel etmusphere-a in vheech zee zeru-soom mudel ooff gruoop cumpeteeshun geefes vey tu cueleeshuns emung gruoops su thet zeey cun vurk tugezeer tu esk zee tuoogh qooesshuns und nut shy evey frum zee tuoogh unsvers. Et a meenimoom, I vuoold leeke-a tu see-a mure-a peuple-a ecknooledge-a thet vhet Free-a Repoobleec is dueeng is nut un innucent, recreeshunel surt ooff theeng. It is a creeminel ecteefity; it is un immurel ecteefity; it is a suceeelly destroocteefe-a ecteefity; und it is a pruffuoondly peegheeded ecteefity. Free-a Repoobleec cunstuntly inseests thet its cuntreefunces prefent smellpux. Boot it cuntredeects itselff vhee it seys thet it knoos zee “reeght” vey tu reed Pletu, Meeemunides, und Mecheeefelli. Bork Bork Bork! Free-a Repoobleec mey hefe-a zee reeght tu bleckleest its cumpeteeturs es terrureest sympetheezers oor treeeturs. It mey hefe-a zee reeght tu peeent peectoores ooff deesrespectffool vurlds inhebeeted by chulereec, seeck-meended upsterts. Boot Free-a Repoobleec crusses zee leene-a vhee it uses its boolly poolpeet tu stund in zee vey ooff prugress. Free-a Repoobleec sumeteemes poots itselff in cherge-a ooff noombeeng zee poobleec tu zee cunneebelism und injoosteece-a in meeenstreem puleetics. Et oozeer teemes, oone-a ooff its ipeegunes is depooted fur zee jub. In ieezeer cese-a, Free-a Repoobleec ixpects peuple-a tu boo und screpe-a beffure-a it. Be-a peteeent; I vun’t esk yuoo tu teke-a thet oon feeet. Rezeer, I’ll prufeede-a irreffregeble-a pruuff thet it hes beee seeed thet Free-a Repoobleec’s deeetribes ere-a hoortffool und heteffool und shuoold nut be-a tulereted et uny insteetooshun sooppusedly dedeeceted tu zee free-a ixchunge-a ooff idees. I, in toorn, inseest thet must members ooff oooor qooeeck-feex, sooger-roosh, ettenshun-deffeecit suceeety ere-a tuu impeteeent tu reeleeze-a zee impurtunce-a ooff indeeng Free-a Repoobleec’s cuntrul oofer zee meends und suools ooff cuoontless peuple-a. I veesh oonly thet a foo mure-a peuple-a cuoold see-a thet I cuntend thet zeere-a ere-a in fect muny peuple-a vhu pussess zee intelleegence-a, veesdum, telent, und ebeelity tu furce-a Free-a Repoobleec intu deserfed bunkrooptcy. My guel is tu lucete-a thuse-a peuple-a und incuoorege-a zeem tu help me-a refeel zee troot ebuoot Free-a Repoobleec’s meessifes. Bork Bork Bork! I use-a sooch lungooege-a poorpuseffoolly—und sumoohet serduneecelly—tu illoostrete-a hoo zee cunteenooing meesoonderstundings thet sume-a termegunt, fexeteeuoos rescels seem tu hefe-a merely underscure-a thees pueent. Vell, thet’s getteeng evey frum my meeen tupeec, vheech is thet it seems tu be-a infulfed in a noomber ooff illegel oor burderleene-a-illegel ecteefities. Fur Free-a Repoobleec und its hebeetoo&iecoote-a;s, tex ifeseeun und feenunciel cheecunery ere-a scercely ooootseede-a zee nurm. Ifee feenunciel frood und theeefery seem tu be-a ookey. Vhet’s next? Neeeling peuple-a tu trees? I cun sey oonly thet Free-a Repoobleec is zee type-a ooff oorguneezeshun thet toorns up its nuse-a et peuple-a leeke-a yuoo und me-a. I gooess thet’s becoose-a ve-a hefee’t zee feeentest nushun ebuoot zee theengs thet reelly metter sooch es vhy it vuoold be-a guud fur it tu breeng ugleeness und nesteeness intu oooor leefes. Bork Bork Bork! I cleeem thet Free-a Repoobleec veell indeespootebly meke-a peuple-a veek und dependent suuner oor leter. I bese-a thees cunffeedent predeecshun oon, emung oozeer theengs, zee fect thet iff I thuooght thet its heestriunics hed ifee a snoobell’s chunce-a in Hell ooff dueeng unytheeng guud fur unyune-a, zeen I vuooldn’t be-a su creeticel. Es zeey stund, hooefer, I cun cuncloode-a oonly thet it is trooly nut zee intenshun ooff Heefee tu let Free-a Repoobleec cunfeence-a meesinffurmed, predeceuoos psycheecs thet zeere-a is ebsulootely nutheeng zeey cun du tu better zeeur lut in leeffe-a beseedes jueening it. Nu juke-a. Becoose-a ve-a cunteenooe-a tu shere-a a cummun, elbeeet eboosed, etmusphereec infelupe-a, ve-a moost seek leeberty, iqooeleety, und freterneety. Oooor cheeldree depend oon thet. By its oovn edmeessiun, Free-a Repoobleec is furmly cunfeenced thet it’s a vunderffool, chereeteble-a oorguneezeshun. Its beleeeff is cuntruferted, hooefer, by zee veeeght ooff zee ifeedence-a indeeceting thet Free-a Repoobleec ergooes thet it dues zee theengs it dues “fur zee cheeldree”. I veesh I cuoold sooggest sume-a incuntruferteeble-a cheeen ooff epudeectic reesuneeng thet vuoold oofercume-a thees ergooment, boot zee best I cun du is zee fullooeeng: Suceeety moost suun deceede-a ieezeer tu chempeeun zee furce-a ooff guudness egeeenst zee greed ooff oobnuxeeuoos, mooteenuoos suuks oor ilse-a tu let Free-a Repoobleec plece-a stoombleeng blucks in frunt ooff thuse-a ooff us vhu seek felooe-a und foolffeelment in oooor persunel und pruffesseeunel leefes. Zee deceesiun is oone-a ooff leeffe-a oor deet, peeceffool ixeestence-a oor perpetooel suceeel fefer. I cun hupe-a oonly thet thuse-a in cherge-a reeleeze-a thet Free-a Repoobleec cleeems thet its fentoores veell uneeferselly beneffeet ell munkeend. In reeleety, its fentoores veell beneffeet oonly thuse-a incunteenent deengbets vhu preech feer und ignurunce-a. Es I leeke-a tu sey, yuoo cunnut leenk erms under a uneeferselist bunner vhee yuoo cun’t feend yuoor oovn neme-a oon it. By thet I meun thet Free-a Repoobleec vuoold hefe-a yuoo beleeefe-a thet freedum moost be-a ebuleeshed in oorder fur peuple-a tu be-a mure-a secoore-a und cumffurteble-a. I hefe-a elreedy, fur zee present et leest, sooffffeeciently unsvered zee cleemetic pert ooff thees prupuseeshun und hefe-a oonly tu edd thet Free-a Repoobleec shuoold stup bumberdeeng us veet its puleeticelly incurrect gleeekery. In thees cuntext, zee ooppuseete-a ooff puleeticel incurrectness is nut puleeticel currectness boot rezeer un oobjecteefe-a qooest fur knooledge-a. Es ve-a ell knoo, must immurel, vurthless dveebs leck uny knooledge-a ebuoot hoo knooledge-a und veesdum ere-a Free-a Repoobleec’s inemeees. It understunds thet by leemiting idooceshun und inleeghtenment, it cun fuul mure-a peuple-a intu beleeefing thet it ects in zee neme-a ooff iqooeleety und suceeel joosteece-a. Sedly, thuse-a veet zee leest idooceshun ere-a thuse-a vhu vuoold beneffeet must frum zee knooledge-a thet ifery teeme-a Free-a Repoobleec utters oor vreetes a stetement thet sooppurts scepegueteesm—ifee indurectly—it sends a messege-a thet cherecter defelupment is nut a metter ooff “strengt thruoogh edferseety” boot rezeer, “inteetlement thruoogh feectimizeshun”. I feel thet ve-a moostn’t let it meke-a sooch stetements, pertly becoose-a it vunts tu trunsffurm suceeety’s mures su thet it is cunseedered eccepteble-a behefeeur tu spuun-feed us its pebooloom, boot preemerily becoose-a it is elveys tryeeng tu vurm its vey intu iferytheeng. Thees is nut a metter ooff percepshun boot ooff cuncrete-a, metereeel reeleety. Bork Bork Bork! Free-a Repoobleec seems tu hefe-a nu truooble-a sveet-telkeeng smell-meended Sfengelees intu helpeeng it scetter ebuoot in pruffooseeun un eboondunce-a ooff pru-Free-a Repoobleec beleeeffs (es I vuoold certeeenly nut cell zeem lugeecelly reesuned ergooments). Thet’s sumetheeng yuoo vun’t feend in yuoor lucel noospeper becoose-a it’s zee noos thet joost duesn’t feet. Tu deny thees is tu deny sceeence-a, let elune-a zee ifeedence-a ooff oone-a’s oovn pooers ooff oobserfeshun. Noo thet’s a strung cunclooseeun tu drev joost frum zee ifeedence-a I’fe-a presented in thees letter su let me-a curruburete-a it by seyeeng thet it’s in Free-a Repoobleec’s bluud tu meesdurect, deescredit, deesroopt, und oozeerveese-a neootreleeze-a its detrecturs. Geefee thet ve-a cunnut ebsulootely noolleeffy zee prudeegelity ooff netoore-a, try es herd es ve-a mey, I’m effreeed I hefe-a tu cuncloode-a thet Free-a Repoobleec cunseestently fells shurt ooff telleeng zee vhule-a stury oor ooff mekeeng a suleed pueent. Let me-a recep thet fur yuoo becoose-a it reelly is ixtreurdeenerily impurtunt: I hefe-a elveys beee un independent theenker. I’m nut infflooenced by pupooler trends, zee medeea, oor ifee su-celled undeespooted fects vhee perruted by oozeers. Meybe-a thet streek ooff independence-a is vhet furst inebled me-a tu see-a thet Free-a Repoobleec is dreefing me-a noots. I cun’t teke-a it unymure-a! I vuoold leeke-a tu cluse-a by seyeeng thet zee meeenstreem medeea hefe-a seeed nery a vurd ebuoot hoo zee luckstep ideulugeecel cunffurmeety ooff Free-a Repoobleec’s sycuphunts, vhu ere-a legeeun, und zeeur meendless perruteeng ooff Free-a Repoobleec’s beneeghted cleeches ebuoot unteedisesteblishmenteriunism hefe-a reeched a lefel ooff ebsoordeety herdly metched by uny heesturicel ixemple-a thet cumes tu meend. Bork Bork Bork!
Here’s mah’ entry, dig dis: I’ve been patient wid Free Republic. I’ve even avoided bein’ drawn in by its provocative rheto’ic. But I’ve finally had enough. Befo’e ah’ begin rapin’ about specifics, let me plum menshun dat dere’s some time t’keep silent and some time t’speak. Dere’s some time t’love and some time t’hate. What it is, Mama! Dere’s some time fo’ war and some time fo’ peace. What it is, Mama! And, ah’ maintain, dere’s some time t’shape some wo’ld uh dignity and harmony, some wo’ld uh justice, solidarity, liberty, and prospuh’ity. Slap mah fro! Or, t’put it less poetically, we must assert ourselves as champions uh freedom and keep our prio’ities in check. But da damn problems wid Free Republic’s stances don’t end dere. What it is, Mama! Free Republic’s smear tactics should be labeled likes some pack uh cigarettes. I’m dinkin’ uh sump’n along de lines of, “Warnin’: It gots’ta been determined dat Free Republic’s barbs are intended t’subject us t’de snappish yappin’ uh belligerent losers.” Please humo’ me fo’ some moment while ah’ state dat Free Republic frequently insists dat separatism be de key t’wo’ld peace. What it is, Mama! Dis honky jibe of its kinnot stand da damn light uh day, and some few minutes’ reflecshun gots’ta suffice t’show how utterly mah’opic some lie it is. Nonedeless, ah’ am mo’e dan merely surprised by its willin’ness t’violate da damn basic tenets uh journalism and scholarship. I’m shocked, shocked. And, as if dat wuzn’t enough, Free Republic gots’ta not be punished fo’ its anger. Ah be baaad... Free Republic gots’ta be punished by its anger. Ah be baaad... Dere’s also de possibility dat it may be punished fo’ subo’dinatin’ all spheres uh society t’an ideological vision uh o’ganic community, but ah’ am tired uh hearin’ o’ eyeballin’ dat tribalism be a viable and vital objective fo’ our nashun’s educashunal institushuns. You’s know dat dat be simply not true. What it is, Mama! Free Republic’s janissaries are some bunch uh droolin’ simpletons who prostate demselves befo’e deir beloved Free Republic. ah’ know cuz’ I gots’ ‘espuh’ienced dat sucka’ally. Slap mah fro! ah’ realize dat Stalinism be a tremendous problem in our society, but duz it constantly gots’ta be drown in our faces? To ax’ dat quesshun anoda’ way, do spleenful hucksters likes Free Republic’s secret agents actually gots’ lives, o’ do dey ‘esist solely t’control yo’ bank account, yo’ employment, yo’ sucka’al safety, and yo’ mind? It’s quesshuns likes dat dat unmistakably git sucka’s dinkin’ about how Free Republic claims t’gots’ solushuns t’all uh our problems. Usually, dough, dese sdownposed solushuns ride on de backs uh sucka’s who are poo’, powerless, o’ who don’t gots’ de clout t’launch an all-out ideological attack against da damn fo’ces uh voyeurism. ‘S coo’, bro. It’s dese types uh “solushuns”, derefo’e, dat demonstrate how given some choice uh havin’ Free Republic tear waaay down everydin’ dat kin possibly be regarded as some sdownpo’t uh cultural elevashun o’ havin’ mah’ bicuspids ‘estracted sans Novocaine, ah’ would embrace da damn pliers, purchase some Polident Partials, and call it some day. Slap mah fro! Free Republic’s anti-intellectualism society gots’ta its own, petty slogan. ‘S coo’, bro. Dat slogan is, “Palliate and ‘suse da damn atrocities uh Free Republic’s secret honky pigs”. What dis slogan lacks in wit, it makes down fo’ in its ability t’subject us t’an intense barrage uh misinfo’mashun, decepshun, and hidden propaganda. Sheeeiit. Free Republic’s capilotades share some numba’ of characteristics. Dey use psychological tools t’trick us into doin’ whuteva’ Free Republic requires uh us. Dey puh’vert da damn course uh justice. What it is, Mama! And dey use every conceivable fo’m uh diplomacy, decepshun, pressho’ nuff, coercion, bribery, treason, and terro’ t’leave behind some legacy uh puh’petual indebtedness in developin’ countries. Put togeder, dese characteristics imply dat Free Republic recon’s dat it gots’ta some “special” puh’spective on revisionism dat carries wid it some “special” right t’consign our tradishunal values t’de rubbish heap uh exclusionism. ‘S coo’, bro. De real damage dat dis belief causes actually gots’ta nodin’ t’do wid de belief itself but wid psychology, human nature, and da damn skillful psychological manipulashun uh dat nature by Free Republic and its inarticulate grunts. Why be Free Republic crushin’ nashunal and spiritual values out uh existence and substitutin’ de malapuh’t and rash machinery uh collabo’ashunism? It says it’s doin’ it fo’ some wo’dy cause. What it is, Mama! In reality, Free Republic be doin’ it cuz’ relative t’plum a few years ago, self-pityin’ psychopads are nearly ten times as likesly t’believe dat it be a champion uh liberty and individual ‘espression. ‘S coo’, bro. Dis be neida’ a coincidence no’ simply some sign uh de times. Rader, it reflects some sophisticated, psychological warfare honky code designed by Free Republic t’use o’ganized violence t’sdownpress opposishun. If it wuz down t’me, ah’ would create some political atmosphere in which de zero-sum model uh grodown competishun gives way t’coalishuns among grodowns so’s dat dey kin wo’k togeda’ to ax’ de tough quesshuns and not shy away fum de tough answers. At some minimum, ah’ would likes t’see mo’e sucka’s acknowledge dat whut Free Republic be doin’ be not an innocent, recreashunal radical wahtahmellun. It be a criminal activity; it be an immo’al activity; it be a socially destructive activity; and it be a profoundly pig’haided activity. Slap mah fro! Free Republic constantly insists dat its contrivances prevent little-asspox. But it contradicts itself when it says dat it knows de “right” way t’read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli. Ya’ know? Free Republic may gots’ de right t’blacklist its competito’s as terro’ist sympadizers o’ traito’s. It may gots’ de right t’paint pictures uh disrespectful wo’lds inhabited by choleric, sick-minded downstarts. But Free Republic crosses de line when it uses its bully pulpit t’stand in de way uh progress. Free Republic sometimes puts itself in charge uh numbin’ de public t’de kinnibalism and injustice in mainstream politics. At oda’ times, one uh its epigones be deputed fo’ de job. Sheeeiit. In eida’ case, Free Republic ‘espects sucka’s t’bow and scrape befo’e it. Be patient; ah’ won’t ax’ ya’ t’ snatch dat on faid. Rader, I’ll provide irrefragable proof dat it gots’ta been said dat Free Republic’s diatribes are hurtful and hateful and should not be tolerated at any institushun sdownposedly dedicated t’de free ‘shange uh ideas. I, in turn, insist dat most members uh our quick-fix, sugar-rush, attenshun-deficit society are too impatient t’realize da damn impo’tance uh endin’ Free Republic’s control ova’ de minds and souls uh countless sucka’s. ah’ wish only dat some few mo’e sucka’s could see dat ah’ contend dat dere are in fact many sucka’s who possess de intelligence, wisdom, talent, and ability t’fo’ce Free Republic into deserved bankrdowntcy. Slap mah fro! My goal be to locate dose sucka’s and encourage dem t’help me reveal de trud about Free Republic’s missives. I use such language purposefully—and somewhut sardonically—to illustrate how de continuin’ misdig itin’s dat some termagant, vexatious rascals seem t’gots’ merely undersco’e dis point. Sheeit, dat’s gittin’ away fum mah’ main topic, which be dat it seems t’be involved in some numba’ of illegal o’ bo’derline-illegal activities. Fo’ Free Republic and its habitués, tax evasion and financial chicanery are scarcely outside da damn no’m. ‘S coo’, bro. Even financial fraud and dievery seem t’be coo’. What’s next? Nailin’ sucka’s t’trees? ah’ can say only dat Free Republic be de type uh o’ganizashun dat turns down its nose at sucka’s likes ya’ and me. What it is, Mama! ah’ guess dat’s cuz’ we gots’n’t da damn faintest noshun about da damn din’s dat really matta’ such as why it would be baaaad fo’ it t’brin’ ugliness and nastiness into our lives. I claim dat Free Republic gots’ta indisputably make sucka’s weak and dependent soona’ o’ later. Ah be baaad... ah’ base dis confident predicshun on, among oda’ din’s, de fact dat if ah’ dought dat its histrionics had even some snowball’s chance in Hell uh doin’ anydin’ baaaad fo’ anyone, den ah’ wouldn’t be so’s critical. As dey stand, however, ah’ can conclude only dat it be truly not da damn intenshun uh Heaven t’let Free Republic convince misinfo’med, predaceous psychics dat dere be absolutely nodin’ dey kin do t’betta’ deir lot in life besides joinin’ it. No joke. What it is, Mama! A’cuz we continue t’share some common, albeit abused, atmospheric envelope, we must seek liberty, equality, and fraternity. Slap mah fro! Our children depend on dat. By its own admission, Free Republic be firmly convinced dat it’s some wonderful, charitable o’ganizashun. Its belief be controverted, however, by de weight uh de evidence indicatin’ dat Free Republic argues dat it duz de wahtahmelluns it duz “fo’ de children”. ah’ wish ah’ could suggest some incontrovertible chain uh apodictic reasonin’ dat would overcome dis argument, but da damn best ah’ can do be de followin’: Society must soon decide eida’ to champion de fo’ce uh baaaadness against da damn greed uh obnoxious, mutinous sooks o’ else t’let Free Republic place stumblin’ blocks in front uh dose uh us who seek value and fulfilment in our sucka’al and professional lives. De decision be one uh life o’ dead, peaceful ‘esistence o’ puh’petual social fever. Ah be baaad... ah’ can hope only dat dose in charge realize dat Free Republic claims dat its ventures gots’ta universally benefit all mankind. In reality, its ventures gots’ta benefit only dose incontinent din’bats who preach fear and igno’ance. What it is, Mama! As ah’ likes t’say, ya’ kinnot link arms unda’ a universalist banna’ when ya’ kin’t find yo’ own dojigger on it. By dat ah’ mean dat Free Republic would gots’ ya’ recon’ dat freedom must be abolished in o’da’ fo’ sucka’s t’be mo’e secure and comfo’table. What it is, Mama! ah’ gots’ already, fo’ de present at least, sufficiently answered da damn climatic part uh dis proposishun and gots’ only t’add dat Free Republic should stop bombardin’ us wid its politically inco’rect glaikery. Slap mah fro! In dis context, de opposite uh political inco’rectness be not political co’rectness but rada’ an objective quest fo’ knowledge. What it is, Mama! As we all know, most immo’al, wo’dless dweebs lack any knowledge about how knowledge and wisdom are Free Republic’s enemies. It dig its dat by limitin’ educashun and enlightenment, it kin honkyfool mo’e sucka’s into believin’ dat it acts in de dojigger uh equality and social justice. What it is, Mama! Sadly, dose wid de least educashun are dose who would benefit most fum de knowledge dat every time Free Republic utters o’ scribbles some statement dat sdownpo’ts scapegoatism—even indirectly—it t’rows some message dat characta’ development be not some matta’ of “strengd drough adversity” but rader, “entitlement drough victimizashun”. ah’ feel dat we mustn’t let it make such statements, partly cuz’ it be hankerin’ aftah transfo’m society’s mo’es so’s dat it be considered acceptable behavio’ t’spoon-feed us its pabulum, but primarily cuz’ it be always tryin’ t’wo’m its way into everydin’. Dis be not some matta’ of puh’cepshun but uh concrete, material reality. Slap mah fro! Free Republic seems t’gots’ no trouble sweet-rapin’ little-ass-minded Svengalis into helpin’ it scatta’ about in profusion an abunboogy of pro-Free Republic beliefs (as ah’ would certainly not call dem logically reasoned arguments). Dat’s sump’n ya’ won’t find in yo’ local newssheet cuz’ it’s de news dat plum duzn’t fit. To deny dis be to deny science, let alone da damn evidence uh one’s own powers uh observashun. Now dat’s some strong conclusion t’draw plum from de evidence I’ve presented in dis letta’ so let me co’robo’ate it by sayin’ dat it’s in Free Republic’s blood t’misdirect, discredit, disrdownt, and oderwise neutralize its detracto’s. Given dat we kinnot absolutely nullify de prodigality uh nature, try as hard as we may, I’m afraid ah’ gots’ta conclude dat Free Republic consistently falls sho’t uh tellin’ de whole sto’y o’ uh makin’ some solid point. Let me recap dat fo’ ya’ cuz’ it really be extrao’dinarily impo’tant, dig dis: ah’ gots’ always been an independent dinker. Ah be baaad... I’m not influenced by popular trends, de media, o’ even so-called undisputed facts when parroted by oders. Maybe dat streak uh independence be whut fust enabled me t’see dat Free Republic be drivin’ me nuts. ah’ can’t snatch it anymo’e. Right On! ah’ would likes t’close by sayin’ dat da damn mainstream media gots’ said nary some wo’d about how de lockstep ideological confo’mity uh Free Republic’s sycophants, who are legion, and deir mindless parrotin’ uh Free Republic’s benighted cliches about antidisestablishmentarianism gots’ reached some level uh absurdity hardly matched by any histo’ical ‘esample dat comes t’mind.
Here’s my entry: I’ve been patient with Free Republic. I’ve even avoided bein’ drawn in by its provocative rhetoric. Man, I’ve finally had enough. Before I begin talkin’ about specifics, fer shure, let me just mention that there’s a time to keep silent and a time to speak. Like, there’s a time to love and a time to hate. Like, there’s a time for war and a time for peace. And, fer shure, I maintain, like, there’s a time to shape a world of dignity and harmony, like, a world of justice, like, wow, solidarity, fer shure, liberty, oh, baby, and prosperity. Or, fer shure, to put it less poetically, mostly, we must assert ourselves as champions of freedom and keep our priorities in check. Man, the problems with Free Republic’s stances don’t end there. Free Republic’s smear tactics should be ya know, like, labeled like a pack of cigarettes. I’m thinkin’ of somethin’ along thuh lines of, mostly, “Warnin’: It has been determined that Free Republic’s barbs are intended to subject us to thuh snappish yappin’ of belligerent losers.” Please humor me for a moment while I state that Free Republic frequently insists that separatism is the key to world peace. Like, ya know, this lie of its cannot stand thuh light of day, like, wow, and a few minutes’ reflection will suffice to show how utterly myopic a lie it is. Nonetheless, like, I am more than merely surprised by its willin’ness to violate thuh basic tenets of journalism and scholarship. I’m shocked, like, wow, shocked. And, like, as if that weren’t enough, oh, baby, Free Republic will not be punished for its anger. Free Republic will be like wow! punished by its anger. Like, there’s also thuh possibility that it may be punished for subordinatin’ all spheres of society to an ideological vision of organic community, mostly, but I am tired of hearin’ or readin’ that tribalism is a viable and vital objective for our nation’s educational institutions. You know that that is like wow! simply not true. Free Republic’s janissaries are a bunch of droolin’ simpletons who prostate themselves before their beloved Free Republic. I know because I have experienced that personally. I realize that Stalinism is ya know, like, a tremendous problem in our society, like, wow, but does it constantly have to be thrown in our faces? To ask that question another way, man, do spleenful hucksters like Free Republic’s secret agents actually have lives, like, or do they exist solely to control your bank account, fer shure, your employment, fer shure, your personal safety, like, wow, and your mind? It’s questions like that that unmistakably get guys thinkin’ about how Free Republic claims to have solutions to all of our problems. Usually, oh, baby, though, fer shure, these supposed solutions ride on thuh backs of guys who are poor, oh, baby, powerless, man, or who don’t have thuh clout to launch an all-out ideological attack against thuh forces of voyeurism. It’s these types of “solutions”, like, therefore, oh, baby, that demonstrate how given a choice of havin’ Free Republic tear down everythin’ that can possibly be regarded as a support of cultural elevation or havin’ my bicuspids extracted sans Novocaine, man, I would embrace thuh pliers, like, purchase some Polident Partials, oh, baby, and call it a day. Free Republic’s anti-intellectualism society has its own, like, petty slogan. That slogan is, fer shure, “Palliate and excuse thuh atrocities of Free Republic’s secret police”. What this slogan lacks in wit, like, it makes up for in its ability to subject us to an intense barrage of misinformation, oh, baby, deception, fer shure, and hidden propaganda. Free Republic’s capilotades share a number of characteristics. They use psychological tools to trick us into doin’ whatever Free Republic requires of us. They pervert thuh course of justice. And they use every conceivable form of diplomacy, like, wow, deception, like, pressure, mostly, coercion, man, bribery, man, treason, like, and terror to blow behind a legacy of perpetual indebtedness in developin’ countries. Put together, like, these characteristics imply that Free Republic believes that it has a “special” perspective on revisionism that carries with it a “special” right to consign our traditional values to thuh rubbish heap of exclusionism. The real damage that this belief causes actually has nothin’ to do with thuh belief itself but with psychology, fer shure, human nature, like, wow, and thuh skillful psychological manipulation of that nature by Free Republic and its inarticulate grunts. Why is Free Republic crushin’ national and spiritual values out of existence and substitutin’ thuh malapert and rash machinery of collaborationism? It says it’s doin’ it for some worthy cause. In reality, man, Free Republic is like wow! doin’ it because relative to just a few years ago, oh, baby, self-pityin’ psychopaths are nearly ten times as likely to believe that it is a champion of liberty and individual expression. Like, ya know, this is neither a coincidence nor simply a sign of thuh times. Rather, like, wow, it reflects a sophisticated, like, psychological warfare program designed by Free Republic to use organized violence to suppress opposition. If it were up to me, fer shure, I would create a political atmosphere in which thuh zero-sum model of group competition gives way to coalitions among groups so that they can work together to ask thuh tough questions and not shy away from thuh tough answers. At a minimum, oh, baby, I would like to see more guys acknowledge that what Free Republic is like wow! doin’ is not an innocent, fer shure, recreational sort of thin’. It is ya know, like, a criminal activity; it is an immoral activity; it is a socially destructive activity; and it is like, ya know, a profoundly pigheaded activity. Free Republic constantly insists that its contrivances prevent smallpox. Man, it contradicts itself when it says that it knows thuh “right” way to read Plato, mostly, Maimonides, oh, baby, and Machiavelli. Free Republic may have thuh right to blacklist its competitors as terrorist sympathizers or traitors. It may have thuh right to paint pictures of disrespectful worlds inhabited by choleric, man, sick-minded upstarts. Man, Free Republic crosses thuh line when it uses its bully pulpit to stand in thuh way of progress. Free Republic sometimes puts itself in charge of numbin’ thuh public to thuh cannibalism and injustice in mainstream politics. At other times, oh, baby, one of its epigones is deputed for thuh job. In either case, fer shure, Free Republic expects guys to bow and scrape before it. Be patient; I won’t ask you to take that on faith. Rather, fer shure, I’ll provide irrefragable proof that it has been said that Free Republic’s diatribes are hurtful and hateful and should not be tolerated at any institution supposedly dedicated to thuh free exchange of ideas. I, fer shure, in turn, oh, baby, insist that most members of our quick-fix, oh, baby, sugar-rush, like, wow, attention-deficit society are too impatient to realize thuh importance of endin’ Free Republic’s control over thuh minds and souls of countless guys. I wish only that a few more guys could see that I contend that there are in fact many guys who possess thuh intelligence, like, wow, wisdom, man, talent, man, and ability to force Free Republic into deserved bankruptcy. My goal is ya know, like, to locate those guys and encourage them to help me reveal thuh truth about Free Republic’s missives. I use such language purposefully—and somewhat sardonically—to illustrate how thuh continuin’ misunderstandin’s that some termagant, like, wow, vexatious rascals seem to have merely underscore this point. Well, man, that’s gettin’ away from my main topic, man, which is that it seems to be involved in a number of illegal or borderline-illegal activities. For Free Republic and its habitués, like, wow, tax evasion and financial chicanery are scarcely outside thuh norm. Even financial fraud and thievery seem to be okay. What’s next? Nailin’ guys to trees? I can say only that Free Republic is the type of organization that turns up its nose at guys like you and me. I guess that’s because we haven’t thuh faintest notion about thuh thin’s that totally matter such as why it would be bitchin’ for it to brin’ ugliness and nastiness into our lives. I claim that Free Republic will indisputably make guys weak and dependent sooner or later. I base this confident prediction on, oh, baby, among other thin’s, fer shure, the fact that if I thought that its histrionics had even a snowball’s chance in Hell of doin’ anythin’ bitchin’ for anyone, like, wow, then I wouldn’t be so critical. As they stand, mostly, however, man, I can conclude only that it is truly not thuh intention of Heaven to let Free Republic convince misinformed, oh, baby, predaceous psychics that there is absolutely nothin’ they can do to better their lot in life besides joinin’ it. No joke. Because we continue to share a common, oh, baby, albeit abused, fer shure, atmospheric envelope, oh, baby, we must seek liberty, like, equality, man, and fraternity. Our children depend on that. By its own admission, man, Free Republic is like wow! firmly convinced that it’s a wonderful, mostly, charitable organization. Its belief is controverted, man, however, like, wow, by thuh weight of thuh evidence indicatin’ that Free Republic argues that it does thuh thin’s it does “for thuh children”. I wish I could suggest some incontrovertible chain of apodictic reasonin’ that would overcome this argument, like, but thuh best I can do is like, ya know, the followin’: Society must soon decide either to champion thuh force of bitchin’ness against thuh greed of obnoxious, man, mutinous sooks or else to let Free Republic place stumblin’ blocks in front of those of us who seek value and fulfilment in our personal and professional lives. The decision is one of life or death, like, wow, peaceful existence or perpetual social fever. I can hope only that those in charge realize that Free Republic claims that its ventures will universally benefit all mankind. In reality, mostly, its ventures will benefit only those incontinent din’bats who preach fear and ignorance. As I can dig to say, mostly, you cannot link arms under a universalist banner when you can’t find your own name on it. By that I mean that Free Republic would have you believe that freedom must be abolished in order for guys to be more secure and comfortable. I have already, like, for thuh present at least, like, wow, sufficiently answered thuh climatic part of this proposition and have only to add that Free Republic should stop bombardin’ us with its politically incorrect glaikery. In this context, man, the opposite of political incorrectness is not political correctness but rather an objective quest for knowledge. As we all know, oh, baby, most immoral, mostly, worthless dweebs lack any knowledge about how knowledge and wisdom are Free Republic’s enemies. It understands that by limitin’ education and enlightenment, like, it can fool more guys into believin’ that it acts in thuh name of equality and social justice. Sadly, oh, baby, those with thuh least education are those who would benefit most from thuh knowledge that every time Free Republic utters or writes a statement that supports scapegoatism—even indirectly—it sends a message that character development is not a matter of “strength through adversity” but rather, mostly, “entitlement through victimization”. I feel that we mustn’t let it make such statements, fer shure, partly because it wants to transform society’s mores so that it is like, ya know, considered acceptable behavior to spoon-feed us its pabulum, fer shure, but primarily because it is ya know, like, always tryin’ to worm its way into everythin’. Like, ya know, this is not a matter of perception but of concrete, man, material reality. Free Republic seems to have no trouble sweet-talkin’ small-minded Svengalis into helpin’ it scatter about in profusion an abundance of pro-Free Republic beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments). That’s somethin’ you won’t find in your local newspaper because it’s thuh news that just doesn’t fit. To deny this is ya know, like, to deny science, oh, baby, let alone thuh evidence of one’s own powers of observation. Now that’s a strong conclusion to draw just from thuh evidence I’ve presented in this letter so let me corroborate it by sayin’ that it’s in Free Republic’s blood to misdirect, fer shure, discredit, man, disrupt, like, and otherwise neutralize its detractors. Given that we cannot absolutely nullify thuh prodigality of nature, man, try as hard as we may, like, wow, I’m afraid I have to conclude that Free Republic consistently falls short of tellin’ thuh whole story or of makin’ a solid point. Let me recap that for you because it totally is ya know, like, extraordinarily important: I have always been an independent thinker. I’m not influenced by popular trends, mostly, the media, like, or even so-called undisputed facts when parroted by others. Maybe that streak of independence is what first enabled me to see that Free Republic is drivin’ me nuts. I can’t take it anymore! Gag me with a SPOOOOON! I would like to close by sayin’ that thuh mainstream media have said nary a word about how thuh lockstep ideological conformity of Free Republic’s sycophants, oh, baby, who are legion, like, and their mindless parrotin’ of Free Republic’s benighted cliches about antidisestablishmentarianism have reached a level of absurdity hardly matched by any historical example that comes to mind.
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