Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a five-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said ‘Well, Cooper rhymes with ‘pooper.’” ~ Conan
Last night was the GOP town hall on CNN and of course all of the focus was on Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. I have to say, Trump and Cruz are turning into the real-life version of “Batman v Superman”: It’s taking too long and it sucks. ~ James Corden
An opening speaker at a campaign event for Hillary Clinton yesterday asked the attendees in the audience to welcome Clinton by chanting her campaign slogan with enthusiasm. And the crowd immediately started chanting, “It’s! My! Turn! It’s! My! Turn!” ~ Seth Meyers
Donald Trump in a new interview supported the idea of holding back attacks on the wives and children of rival candidates, before adding, “All you have to do is tell that to Ted Cruz because he started it.” Trump then added, “I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him!” ~ Seth Meyers
Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’” ~ Seth Meyers
A conservative radio host told Donald Trump he reminds him of a 12-year-old playground bully. Trump responded by shoving the host and calling him a “gaywad.” ~ Conan
Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, “Wow, look at the size of those hands!”
The family says the baby is doing well and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny. ~ James Corden
Donald Trump got a nice delivery on Sunday: a new grandson. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Theodore, which is interesting. Theodore is usually shortened to Ted, like Ted Cruz. That’s one way to get back at your father. “Dad, we’d like you to meet Theodore, Rosie, Megyn Kelly, Mexicans, Muslims, Jeb Bush.”
As of a couple of hours ago, Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted about his new grandson. He’s waiting to see the birth certificate. He’s nothing if not fair. ~ Kimmel
Donald Trump is furious over an ad featuring a nude photo of Melania. Trump’s mostly furious because it’s the first time he’s seen Melania naked in years. ~ Fallon
If it comes down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if the vote was today, Trump would be in trouble. Clinton leads Trump in a hypothetical matchup 54 percent to 36 percent. While 68 percent of likely general election voters view Donald Trump negatively and the other 32 percent don’t have Twitter or television. ~ Kimmel
Bernie Sanders recently spoke at the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona and said, “we don’t need a wall.” Then Bernie said, “But then again, I also told Noah we didn’t need an Ark, so who knows?” ~ Fallon
Over the weekend at a Bernie Sanders rally, a woman took off her top and revealed anti-Trump messages. Witnesses say she made two good points. ~ Conan
Donald Trump met with the editorial board of The Washington Post yesterday and called one of the editors “beautiful” when she asked him a question. In his defense, the question was “what’s the longest word you know?” ~ Seth Meyers
Bernie Sanders this weekend gave a speech at the Mexican border. Actually he was in Vermont, but they could hear him at the Mexican border. ~ Seth Meyers
I read about a parrot that actually hangs out at a Bernie Sanders campaign office in Tennessee. So if you want to hear someone repeat everything Bernie Sanders says, just wait two weeks for Hillary to say it. (”Uh... We need to redistribute the wealth!”) ~ Fallon
Well, here’s the latest on the election. Three more states went to the polls yesterday, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, (OLD) “There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election.” ~ Fallon
ROTFLMAO!